Yesterday i had an intake of 300 and i was floating on a fucking cloud. i worked a 10 hr shift then hit the gym for 2 hrs and burned 515 calories. i was elated. i felt sooo good about myself. like i could fly. i love that feeling. i crave that feeling. being empty and hungry is so satisfying. i feel just a tad bit better about myself for doing it. everyone around me is giving into food. and i manage to stay strong. i know, i have a superiority complex. but, none the less, im thrilled. ive lost 3 pounds since sunday. i woke up in the best mood, despite having to come in to work at the crack of dawn. but, the cherry on top was i finally got this months NYLON. only my favorite magazine, in the world. that thing is like THINSPO HEAVEN! and the music is to die for. you girls seriously need to subscribe. you wont regret it, promise.
Today is an entirely different story. Like i said, i woke up in a nice mood. and then something so horrible happend. my job had coffee and DONUTS in the break room. i made the mental note to avoid it at all cost. then, like a robot i just walked in and did the unthinkable. i ate not one, but 2 donuts! i feel lower than ive ever felt. for the first time in my life, i tried to binge. unsuccessfully of course. i barely have anything in my stomach, and nothing would come up.now im sitting in the fitting room and i feel so gross and FAT! i really let myself down. but i made a promise to myself that i would burn atleast 1,000 calories tonight. ill just have to stay 3 hrs instead of 2. ill probably go around 5. by the grace of God i get off at 2, afterwards im going to get a mani and pedi. go home and make a playlist for the gym, and be on the treadmill by 5..ish.
speaking of playlist, what is your favorite music to listen to while working out? so far i have:
Pink-raise your glass
Black eyed peas-imma be
David banner-play
Kanye West-workout plan
katy perry-california girls
Avril
Boys like girls
i need some more kick ass songs to keep me moving.
so pleassseeee give me suggestions, anything helps.
i also wanted to take a minute to say that each and every one of you are wonderfully amazing. i know that older generations say that internet is the cause of the disconnect amongst our generation. but i strongly disagree. on the internet, i managed to find people that i can tell any and everything without fear of being judged. you girls AND guys are a special group of people, dont ever forget it. i love all the positivity and support here. your comments and kind words mean so much to me. for the first time, i feel like someone really gets me, you know? i hope we continue to uplift one another when we need it most. you girls are amazing, i truly mean that. i am a firm believer in karma, and you girls are going to get shit loads, of the good kind of course :)
stay beautiful and unique!
remember im always a comment or email away if you ever wanna talk. i love all 43 of you!
Self Control is the only thing standing in the way of who you are and who you deserve to be.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Day 10 . Finished!
OMG! its finally over. thank God. i feel sooo sleepy. i have finals this week and i havent been taking my vitamins. And the few times i did take them i got really ill because they are supposed to be taken with food. This was definetly the most challenging fast thus far. Not due to hunger pains, which were practically gone after day 2. it was because my body needed the energy. on day 4 i tried working out but 20 or 30 minutes into it i felt so faint i just left the gym all together. I havent been able to stay awake for long periods of time and i stand at work all day. i felt so lethargic all the time. it was awful. but im so proud that i accomplised this.
idk if ive ever said my goal weight, but it was 120. ive decided to change it to 125. right now im 173. its so disgusting. i think ill post a picture tonight. but only if you thin, beautiful girls promise not to poke fun :(. im really insecure about my weight, but arent we all?
Yesterday i joined a new 24 hr gym its the best. and because of the holidays i got a great deal! they offer a lot of classes. i plan on taking, yoga, pilates, and belly dancing. it sounds sooo much fun. its just a really great atmosphere. i got my bf a membership also as an early Xmas present. hes actually trying to gain weight. typical.
On thursday my semester is officially over.im so relieved. ill do nothing but work and work out this entire break. i figure by New Years i can be down atleast 15 or 20 more pounds. Does that sound ridiculous? my bf goes through bouts of worry. i then try to calm him by saying its only temporary blah, blah, blah. it seems to work. he flip flops between supporting me and not. he doesnt want me to get hurt. i keep reassuring him that im absolutely fine.and ive been covering my tracks by telling my parents and friends that ive been going to the gym and watching my diet. everytime thy call i make it a point to say im just walking into the gym or back from a run. so, once they see me they wont be totally shocked at my loss. theyll think im doing in the "right" way.
I want to be in a tiny, tight dress for New Years. havent decided if ill do something with the bf and his fam/friends or go to Vegas with my bestfriend. me and him have had 2 new years together, but this is our first actually being together, in the same state. since im usually home with the family.
I plan on taking my first yoga class on thursday. once finals are done. i even bought some cute new exercise outfits. ill be wearing pink and black :)
im also finally getting to the salon on thursday.
I almost forgot. have you guys seen the previews for Black Swan with Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis? it looks absolutely amazing!! im still a dancer at heart so i have to see it. its only playing in select theatres and the closest one to me is almost 2 hrs away. and since i just got the gym memberships i cant afford the gas and movie tickets. so i wont be able to go. im so bummed! guess thats the sacrifice you make for beauty. i heard it wasnt being released nationally until March of next year. to see if its in your area check out BlackSwan2010.com
so, thats it for me, i hope you girls are doing well :)
all 42 of you!!!
idk if ive ever said my goal weight, but it was 120. ive decided to change it to 125. right now im 173. its so disgusting. i think ill post a picture tonight. but only if you thin, beautiful girls promise not to poke fun :(. im really insecure about my weight, but arent we all?
Yesterday i joined a new 24 hr gym its the best. and because of the holidays i got a great deal! they offer a lot of classes. i plan on taking, yoga, pilates, and belly dancing. it sounds sooo much fun. its just a really great atmosphere. i got my bf a membership also as an early Xmas present. hes actually trying to gain weight. typical.
On thursday my semester is officially over.im so relieved. ill do nothing but work and work out this entire break. i figure by New Years i can be down atleast 15 or 20 more pounds. Does that sound ridiculous? my bf goes through bouts of worry. i then try to calm him by saying its only temporary blah, blah, blah. it seems to work. he flip flops between supporting me and not. he doesnt want me to get hurt. i keep reassuring him that im absolutely fine.and ive been covering my tracks by telling my parents and friends that ive been going to the gym and watching my diet. everytime thy call i make it a point to say im just walking into the gym or back from a run. so, once they see me they wont be totally shocked at my loss. theyll think im doing in the "right" way.
I want to be in a tiny, tight dress for New Years. havent decided if ill do something with the bf and his fam/friends or go to Vegas with my bestfriend. me and him have had 2 new years together, but this is our first actually being together, in the same state. since im usually home with the family.
I plan on taking my first yoga class on thursday. once finals are done. i even bought some cute new exercise outfits. ill be wearing pink and black :)
im also finally getting to the salon on thursday.
I almost forgot. have you guys seen the previews for Black Swan with Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis? it looks absolutely amazing!! im still a dancer at heart so i have to see it. its only playing in select theatres and the closest one to me is almost 2 hrs away. and since i just got the gym memberships i cant afford the gas and movie tickets. so i wont be able to go. im so bummed! guess thats the sacrifice you make for beauty. i heard it wasnt being released nationally until March of next year. to see if its in your area check out BlackSwan2010.com
so, thats it for me, i hope you girls are doing well :)
all 42 of you!!!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Day 4 blurrred.
this week has flewn by in sucha blur! i feel jipped, but atleast the semesters almost over. Sorry, for not posting yesterday. i figured since ive done the 10 day fast just a short while ago that u guys probably didnt wanna see a day by day update....again.
on to other news. i just spent $70 at MAC. i wanted to try their foundation and i got a few brushes. MAC gets me every time. i spend atleast $50 every visit. and the kicker is....i dont even wear make up. well, definetly not on an consistent basis. i wore foundation at prom and i wear mascara like 2 or 3 times a month. so, what do i spend all this money on you may ask. i have no freaking clue.
I need to stop spending money!! the more i spend the less ill have in january when my seasonal position is over. i was doing so good. but its like a domino effect. i spend a little too much one day and then im outta control.
when the fast is over im going to eat one meal a day.
ive chosen a salad probably around noonish
Salad ingredients:
Spinach/Romaine lettuce
boiled egg
cubed ham
cayenne pepper- helps burn fat
and olive oil dressing instead of ranch
i mix the oil w. salt & pepper to add some flavor.
this sounds like a million calories. but probably 200-400, which is pretty good for an entire say.
i figure if i stay on tht meal plan until Jan. 1st and exercise everyday ill lose a good amount. Oh! cant forget about green tea. high in antioxidants and helps speed up metabolism. i know it wont help me drop 10 pounds in a day, but ill take all the help i can get!!
have a beautiful weekend pretty girls, all 42 of you! :)
on to other news. i just spent $70 at MAC. i wanted to try their foundation and i got a few brushes. MAC gets me every time. i spend atleast $50 every visit. and the kicker is....i dont even wear make up. well, definetly not on an consistent basis. i wore foundation at prom and i wear mascara like 2 or 3 times a month. so, what do i spend all this money on you may ask. i have no freaking clue.
I need to stop spending money!! the more i spend the less ill have in january when my seasonal position is over. i was doing so good. but its like a domino effect. i spend a little too much one day and then im outta control.
when the fast is over im going to eat one meal a day.
ive chosen a salad probably around noonish
Salad ingredients:
Spinach/Romaine lettuce
boiled egg
cubed ham
cayenne pepper- helps burn fat
and olive oil dressing instead of ranch
i mix the oil w. salt & pepper to add some flavor.
this sounds like a million calories. but probably 200-400, which is pretty good for an entire say.
i figure if i stay on tht meal plan until Jan. 1st and exercise everyday ill lose a good amount. Oh! cant forget about green tea. high in antioxidants and helps speed up metabolism. i know it wont help me drop 10 pounds in a day, but ill take all the help i can get!!
have a beautiful weekend pretty girls, all 42 of you! :)
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Day 2
im having strong cravings today. cereal and chocolate chip cookies. i know if i can just hold out, tomorrow will be easier. i need to clear my head and everything will be fine. my problems usually arise because i think way too much. and trust me, that is a problem. i can be really over analytical about certain things.
i need to get to the place i was during my last fast. not to toot my own horn, but i did incredible. i didnt have cravings and i felt so strong. where did that girl go, i miss her :(
P.S. today has to be the greatest thinspo day everrr. The Victoria Secret Fashion Show is on right now!! if that doesnt make you stop eating, nothing will :)
i now have another fasting partner, bony bunny. im so excited!!
&& 41 followers, that is freaking amazingg :)
be strong and safe ladies!
i need to get to the place i was during my last fast. not to toot my own horn, but i did incredible. i didnt have cravings and i felt so strong. where did that girl go, i miss her :(
P.S. today has to be the greatest thinspo day everrr. The Victoria Secret Fashion Show is on right now!! if that doesnt make you stop eating, nothing will :)
i now have another fasting partner, bony bunny. im so excited!!
&& 41 followers, that is freaking amazingg :)
be strong and safe ladies!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Day 1 . 4 steps back
i feel like my first 10 day liquid fast was great. i really thought it would train my stomach to want less. but with the stupid holidays i feel like ive taken 4 steps back.
today marks day 1 of my fast and im freaking starving. im at work and the food court is calling my name. i need to be strong. for me the first few days are the hardest. its pretty much down here from there.
as much as i would like to cheat i wont because i have a fasting partner for the first time ever! Teaspoon. she has decided to join me on my journey to skinny :)
so, ill write again tomorrow, hopefully with good news.
remember, i love all 36 of you!
keep up the will power ladies
today marks day 1 of my fast and im freaking starving. im at work and the food court is calling my name. i need to be strong. for me the first few days are the hardest. its pretty much down here from there.
as much as i would like to cheat i wont because i have a fasting partner for the first time ever! Teaspoon. she has decided to join me on my journey to skinny :)
so, ill write again tomorrow, hopefully with good news.
remember, i love all 36 of you!
keep up the will power ladies
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Money tree .
im in a financial crisis. i hate being a college student its horrible on my wallet. i managed to save up $500 and i spent half of it in less than 48 hrs. idk how i even did that. too much shopping and fast food, thats how. oh and i brought my bf call of duty. he was so excited when i gave it to him, it was so cute. but i have a ridiculous credit card bill to pay off and a CNA course that i want to take next summer. which combined is $1600. thats alot of freakin money. i miss being 16 and not having to worry about anything. ive been working since i was 14 but i never really had to. i just loved the indepence. and i have a bad habit with spending. i told myself this time would be different. that i would save every penny so that i wouldnt have to work next semester. a full time job and a third year biology major do not mix well. i mean, up till now ive been doing really well. but VS had a sale and i went into a shopping frenzy. smh at myself.
random. i have like 4 mosquito bites on my legs and i want to peel my skin off, they are so irritating.
and im going back on ny 10 day fast a little sooner than planned. i am disgustes with the amount of food ive consumed this past week and a half. so i need to cleanse my body. i need to be light and empty again. it makes me feel so good. oddly, i havent gained any weight but none the less, i feel soo gross.
have so much to do in so little tine.i have an anatomy test on tuesday tht i havent even begun to study for. ive been so overwhelmed lately. i dont have enough hours in a day to do everything. this job is really time consuming. ive been making to do lists but i never complete them.
as i write this on my phone im sitting in the fitting room at work. i get off i 20 min then off to pull an all nighter. hope i can stay focused, my GPA is riding on this grade :(
over worked and under paid.
remember i love all 34 of you ! :)
be productive ladies.
random. i have like 4 mosquito bites on my legs and i want to peel my skin off, they are so irritating.
and im going back on ny 10 day fast a little sooner than planned. i am disgustes with the amount of food ive consumed this past week and a half. so i need to cleanse my body. i need to be light and empty again. it makes me feel so good. oddly, i havent gained any weight but none the less, i feel soo gross.
have so much to do in so little tine.i have an anatomy test on tuesday tht i havent even begun to study for. ive been so overwhelmed lately. i dont have enough hours in a day to do everything. this job is really time consuming. ive been making to do lists but i never complete them.
as i write this on my phone im sitting in the fitting room at work. i get off i 20 min then off to pull an all nighter. hope i can stay focused, my GPA is riding on this grade :(
over worked and under paid.
remember i love all 34 of you ! :)
be productive ladies.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
dark cloud.
but as always im still looking for that silver lining.
which was easier to find after i went SHOPPING! ♥
i got thee absolute cutest pair of brown and black plain leather boots. with it starting to finally look like winter (w. thee exception of today, 74 degrees) i needed some boots that could stand the weather. i own mostly uggs and the rest are made of some freakish material that cant get wet. soooo, it was the perfect excuse to shop! which i shouldnt because i should be saving for spring break. i want to be on somebodies beach. sunbathing. and drinking til my hearts content. and then a little more.
i have an obsession with spending $$$ its so...addictive. i love lovee love shoes. i have a ridiculous amount. and yet, i can never find the right pair to wear. i also stopped by one of my favorite stores today, Forever XXI. and got a nice little outfit for Thanksgiving. seeing as this will be my first holiday spent with thee boyfriend and his family. im nervous. but i definitely want to look good. im going for dressy casual. a black mini skirt (not too short ), an off the shoulder black and shimmery gold top, and my new black boots. and im going to curl my hair. and top it off with gold accessories i also might add leggings so i dont look like a tramp. ohh and of course i need some good luck. so im painting my nails pink & white. even though it has nothing to do with my color scheme. maybe ill do a neutral color.
it is currently 7pm. i am waiting on my clothes to be free of the dryer. then i have to wash my hair and style it for thursday. and tomorrow i have a full schedule. i have a 8 am class, work 9-6, then straight off to the bf's house. ill be exhausted when i get there. and hopefully too tired to eat.
i wanted to binge sooo badly about 5 minutes ago. i had a subway sandwich earlier. which im sure had a zillion calories. but ive decided to fast until turkey day. i know its only like 28 hrs. but hey, ill take restriction when i can get it. hopefully itll inspire me not to stuff my face with ham and pies.
only a teensy bit of bad news today, i cut. again. dammit! i didnt want to. im lying again. i did. but i held off for a long time. but right before i dashed off to class. i just started carving away. i feel much better now. hopefully by staying busy i wont feel depressed or hungry anytime soon.
my roommate is the thinnest woman on earth. shes probably 5'1 and her collar bones are to die for. she a marvel. and eats like 2 grown men. typical. i envy her genes! shell be my thinspo for now.
And if she doesnt work Minak Kelly definitely will.
Remember,
i love all 31 of you!
Stay strong Dolls ♥
which was easier to find after i went SHOPPING! ♥
i got thee absolute cutest pair of brown and black plain leather boots. with it starting to finally look like winter (w. thee exception of today, 74 degrees) i needed some boots that could stand the weather. i own mostly uggs and the rest are made of some freakish material that cant get wet. soooo, it was the perfect excuse to shop! which i shouldnt because i should be saving for spring break. i want to be on somebodies beach. sunbathing. and drinking til my hearts content. and then a little more.
i have an obsession with spending $$$ its so...addictive. i love lovee love shoes. i have a ridiculous amount. and yet, i can never find the right pair to wear. i also stopped by one of my favorite stores today, Forever XXI. and got a nice little outfit for Thanksgiving. seeing as this will be my first holiday spent with thee boyfriend and his family. im nervous. but i definitely want to look good. im going for dressy casual. a black mini skirt (not too short ), an off the shoulder black and shimmery gold top, and my new black boots. and im going to curl my hair. and top it off with gold accessories i also might add leggings so i dont look like a tramp. ohh and of course i need some good luck. so im painting my nails pink & white. even though it has nothing to do with my color scheme. maybe ill do a neutral color.
it is currently 7pm. i am waiting on my clothes to be free of the dryer. then i have to wash my hair and style it for thursday. and tomorrow i have a full schedule. i have a 8 am class, work 9-6, then straight off to the bf's house. ill be exhausted when i get there. and hopefully too tired to eat.
i wanted to binge sooo badly about 5 minutes ago. i had a subway sandwich earlier. which im sure had a zillion calories. but ive decided to fast until turkey day. i know its only like 28 hrs. but hey, ill take restriction when i can get it. hopefully itll inspire me not to stuff my face with ham and pies.
only a teensy bit of bad news today, i cut. again. dammit! i didnt want to. im lying again. i did. but i held off for a long time. but right before i dashed off to class. i just started carving away. i feel much better now. hopefully by staying busy i wont feel depressed or hungry anytime soon.
my roommate is the thinnest woman on earth. shes probably 5'1 and her collar bones are to die for. she a marvel. and eats like 2 grown men. typical. i envy her genes! shell be my thinspo for now.
And if she doesnt work Minak Kelly definitely will.
i love all 31 of you!
Stay strong Dolls ♥
Sunday, November 21, 2010
flatline .
i think this is my shortest post to date.
Since my fast ended, i havent exactly been doing superb. ive sort of flatlined. i havent gained or loss im just teetering in the middle. on the plus side of things i have been going to the gym, but i had to miss three days in a row because of my work schedule which was sucky. i reaaly want to find the courage to fast but ive been craving thanksgiving food. but as soon as its over im gunna restrict, fast, and workout out like crazy until new years. by new years i want to be 20 pounds lighter .
atleast Desperate Housewives is on tonight. :)
Since my fast ended, i havent exactly been doing superb. ive sort of flatlined. i havent gained or loss im just teetering in the middle. on the plus side of things i have been going to the gym, but i had to miss three days in a row because of my work schedule which was sucky. i reaaly want to find the courage to fast but ive been craving thanksgiving food. but as soon as its over im gunna restrict, fast, and workout out like crazy until new years. by new years i want to be 20 pounds lighter .
atleast Desperate Housewives is on tonight. :)
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
bipolar
maybe..i am.
less than an hour ago i was near suicidal. but now i feel hopeful. i guess the optimist in me couldnt see me suffer. there are 3 things that always make me feel better. doing my nails. doing my hair. and playing in make up. im going to blast some music. turn on desperate housewives and gossip girl. do my hair until my hearts content. and paint my nails 2 of my fav. colors. lime green & pink. then hit the gym :)
lesson numero uno.
"Life may get you down, butnever let it keep you down."
less than an hour ago i was near suicidal. but now i feel hopeful. i guess the optimist in me couldnt see me suffer. there are 3 things that always make me feel better. doing my nails. doing my hair. and playing in make up. im going to blast some music. turn on desperate housewives and gossip girl. do my hair until my hearts content. and paint my nails 2 of my fav. colors. lime green & pink. then hit the gym :)
lesson numero uno.
"Life may get you down, but
Disappearing Act, Day Nine ♥
sorry ive been MIA ladies, ive just been really busy. ive had birthdays to shop for, lab practicals to study for, a room to clean, dishes to do, hair to not do (unfortunately), a boyfriend to entertain, the gym, and lets not forget work. oh joy.
im exhausted, ive just came from my lab practical. and i did horrendous. i feel soo ashamed. i studied...sort of. this is my Anatomy class. i have to do well. ughhh! this makes this whole semester useless. all my hard work up til now and i screw up. im soo upset. im sure its because ive been working so much. but my rational is, im only seasonal. so i might as well make as much money as i can. i feel so defeated.
216 hours. i havent eaten anything. and i stopped drinking my lovely lemonade. i finally stopped being cheap and got a case of water. i feel ok. my body doesnt feel deprived but i feel much thinner :) ive lost 9 pounds. its actually making me nervous. i hope its not water weight and it just piles back on in a week. im scared to eat. the mind set i have now is so steadfast. im scared if i put even one morsel of food in my mouth, i wont be able to stop. i have been going to the gym every day since my last post. and burning 500-1000 calories each time. ive been lifting weight and doing jumping exercises to get me ready for when i decide to start ballet/cheer again. i have a love/hate relationship w. dance. i loove it so much. how it makes me feel. graceful and elegant. but at the same time i never feel good enough. like if i lost 10 more pounds i could jump higher. spin faster.
my roommates ordered pizza last night. it was awful. the smell made me nauseous. ive spent half of the little money i have saved so far. and ill probably spend my next check. i want to get my hair done for the holidays.
since im going to my bf's, i want to look my absolute best.
im so confused right now. im quite sad that the fast ends tomorrow. i fill like i lack purpose. these last 10 days have been a blessing in disguise. its the first time in a long time i havent felt worthless. like i deserve something better than....right now. one day, my body will be perfect. and so will my life. heres to wishful thinking. but as for today i will wallow in misery because of my anatomy class. i hope i dont cut. i think ill go spend 2 hrs at the gym. minimum. might as well hurt myself nad be productive at the same time, right? ive decided i might extend my fast till thanksgiving with the exception of eating 1 Nature Valley granola bar per day (each pack has 2 bars, which would give me 190 cals per day). as a punishment. i dont deserve to eat. i make a vow to not eat til im happy. im so disappointed in myself. im scared to tell my parents and bf. mostly him, hes been calling since 10 am.i cant bear to face him yet. he'll be disappointed anhd supportive. he'll tell me he loves me and itll be ok. and ill pretend hes right and smile. while inside i feel like dying. i know most of you might say. you need to rest, eat a little something. but i cant. i dont feel worthy of anything. i want to sit alone in this dark room til class tomorrow morning at 8. then i have work from 1-10. then i work friday. and im off the entire weekend. ill study (if i even bother to salvage whats left of my already mediocre grade.). and ill go to the gym. ill use the stair master until my feet fall off.
i feel pessimistic. which is definitely new for me.i always see the silver lining. i am usually always upbeat. and when im not. i fake it. well, i dont feel like faking right now. i dont want to pretend. i want to be allowed to feel miserable. for once. i cant even fully rejoice in this milestone. i dont feel victorious. i feel like. ok i did 10 days. big whoop. but can i do 10 more?
i still love all 29 of you! ♥
hope you guys are feeling better than me :)
Signed, Sad Sara
im exhausted, ive just came from my lab practical. and i did horrendous. i feel soo ashamed. i studied...sort of. this is my Anatomy class. i have to do well. ughhh! this makes this whole semester useless. all my hard work up til now and i screw up. im soo upset. im sure its because ive been working so much. but my rational is, im only seasonal. so i might as well make as much money as i can. i feel so defeated.
216 hours. i havent eaten anything. and i stopped drinking my lovely lemonade. i finally stopped being cheap and got a case of water. i feel ok. my body doesnt feel deprived but i feel much thinner :) ive lost 9 pounds. its actually making me nervous. i hope its not water weight and it just piles back on in a week. im scared to eat. the mind set i have now is so steadfast. im scared if i put even one morsel of food in my mouth, i wont be able to stop. i have been going to the gym every day since my last post. and burning 500-1000 calories each time. ive been lifting weight and doing jumping exercises to get me ready for when i decide to start ballet/cheer again. i have a love/hate relationship w. dance. i loove it so much. how it makes me feel. graceful and elegant. but at the same time i never feel good enough. like if i lost 10 more pounds i could jump higher. spin faster.
my roommates ordered pizza last night. it was awful. the smell made me nauseous. ive spent half of the little money i have saved so far. and ill probably spend my next check. i want to get my hair done for the holidays.
since im going to my bf's, i want to look my absolute best.
im so confused right now. im quite sad that the fast ends tomorrow. i fill like i lack purpose. these last 10 days have been a blessing in disguise. its the first time in a long time i havent felt worthless. like i deserve something better than....right now. one day, my body will be perfect. and so will my life. heres to wishful thinking. but as for today i will wallow in misery because of my anatomy class. i hope i dont cut. i think ill go spend 2 hrs at the gym. minimum. might as well hurt myself nad be productive at the same time, right? ive decided i might extend my fast till thanksgiving with the exception of eating 1 Nature Valley granola bar per day (each pack has 2 bars, which would give me 190 cals per day). as a punishment. i dont deserve to eat. i make a vow to not eat til im happy. im so disappointed in myself. im scared to tell my parents and bf. mostly him, hes been calling since 10 am.i cant bear to face him yet. he'll be disappointed anhd supportive. he'll tell me he loves me and itll be ok. and ill pretend hes right and smile. while inside i feel like dying. i know most of you might say. you need to rest, eat a little something. but i cant. i dont feel worthy of anything. i want to sit alone in this dark room til class tomorrow morning at 8. then i have work from 1-10. then i work friday. and im off the entire weekend. ill study (if i even bother to salvage whats left of my already mediocre grade.). and ill go to the gym. ill use the stair master until my feet fall off.
i feel pessimistic. which is definitely new for me.i always see the silver lining. i am usually always upbeat. and when im not. i fake it. well, i dont feel like faking right now. i dont want to pretend. i want to be allowed to feel miserable. for once. i cant even fully rejoice in this milestone. i dont feel victorious. i feel like. ok i did 10 days. big whoop. but can i do 10 more?
i still love all 29 of you! ♥
hope you guys are feeling better than me :)
Signed, Sad Sara
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Mixed Emotions, Day Five ♥
120 hours. thats how long ive gone without eating. i feel ...strange.
I mean im ecstatic that ive been able to withhold this long but still. my boyfriend picked me up from work tonight and offered me taco bell. i wanted some sooo bad, but i said no. Its weird i can go pretty long without eating during the day, i start to get hungry about 8 or 9 p.m. but the hunger pains arent bad. my stomach hasnt even growled. at least not loudly. i just feel it rumbling, anxiously. i cant tell if im not eating because im not hungry or because of the fast. im glad i work evenings because it ensures that i wont eat. but im getting switched to morning shifts (which would be much easier) but hopefully it doesnt slow down my progress.
my feet hurt so bad. its agony. ive been on them non stop for 10 hrs. my heels are burning. the only good part is that im burning calories, hopefully.
i was craving food soooo bad earlier. pizza, taco bell, subway, anything really. but im not gunna cave. only 5 more days. if i quit it'll make these last five days of starvation worthless.
i did a weigh in about 20 min ago. and i thought i would have atleast lost another pound or two. but, no. im .2 pounds lighter than i was yesterday. hmph! stupid scale >___<
have a lovely foodless day, i love all 27 of you!♥
I mean im ecstatic that ive been able to withhold this long but still. my boyfriend picked me up from work tonight and offered me taco bell. i wanted some sooo bad, but i said no. Its weird i can go pretty long without eating during the day, i start to get hungry about 8 or 9 p.m. but the hunger pains arent bad. my stomach hasnt even growled. at least not loudly. i just feel it rumbling, anxiously. i cant tell if im not eating because im not hungry or because of the fast. im glad i work evenings because it ensures that i wont eat. but im getting switched to morning shifts (which would be much easier) but hopefully it doesnt slow down my progress.
my feet hurt so bad. its agony. ive been on them non stop for 10 hrs. my heels are burning. the only good part is that im burning calories, hopefully.
i was craving food soooo bad earlier. pizza, taco bell, subway, anything really. but im not gunna cave. only 5 more days. if i quit it'll make these last five days of starvation worthless.
i did a weigh in about 20 min ago. and i thought i would have atleast lost another pound or two. but, no. im .2 pounds lighter than i was yesterday. hmph! stupid scale >___<
have a lovely foodless day, i love all 27 of you!♥
Friday, November 12, 2010
i hate my job, Day 4 ♥
typical. i beg and pray for a job then i finally get one. and i hate it. i abso-freakin-lutely HATE it. the one positive is that it makes me want to do even better in school so i dont have to work in retail for the next 50 yrs.
Im listening to She & Him. both of their albums are on shuffle. love them. they make me feel so peaceful and like im in the 20's lol. its like beach boys meets ....ummm something else amazing :)
Today is day 4. i ate NOTHING! I am completely empty and my weight loss is improving everyydayyy. Ive lost the 5 pounds that i regained, already (in only 4 days!!). so technically im back at square one (so im still -8 from the original weigh in.) but im happy, nonetheless. because had i not been fasting id probably would have gained all 8 pounds back. which im sure would have pushed me over the edge. i'd have been a cutting maniac. but, i digress, back to positivity.
I just realized that i type so sporadically. and i lack organization. my posts are very random and every paragraph (well, my version of it) is something different. but hey, thats me. anywhoooooo....
I almsot gave into a nasty cravingpepperoni lover w. stuffed crust pizza. me and my bf were gunna go down the street and pick one up. but i said no. i thought really hard. and although i realllllly wanted it. i dont want the fat, calories, or artery clogging grease. ewwwww.
I mean i practically float when i walk im soooo happy. i havent eaten in four days. i have never done this. ever. only 6 more! i wonder when its gunna get unbearable. i mean so far its been fairly easy except for the minor stomach growl. im doing ok. hopefully my body is sucking up all my fat.
I have been fantasizing all day about how much weight i could lose this month. and ive been working on my workout plan for the next 10 days. ill be visiting the gym every single day. and twice a day atleast 5 days a week. ill be doing, stair master, leg press, and some light lifting to tone my flabby arms. im beyond excited.
it may sound like im putting too much pressure on myself. but thats exactly what i need :). i like the 10 day challenge. its so invigorating. you guys seriously have to try it. theres nothing like it :) i realized my weakness is saying "Im not going to eat anything but carrots for the next month." only a greek god can do that. im too weak to put food off or even stay focused for a long period of time like that . i think i have ADD. but in little spurts i can exercise some serious self control :)
good luck my beautiful ladies. remember perseverance is the key to success. i loooove all 26 of you! ♥
Im listening to She & Him. both of their albums are on shuffle. love them. they make me feel so peaceful and like im in the 20's lol. its like beach boys meets ....ummm something else amazing :)
Today is day 4. i ate NOTHING! I am completely empty and my weight loss is improving everyydayyy. Ive lost the 5 pounds that i regained, already (in only 4 days!!). so technically im back at square one (so im still -8 from the original weigh in.) but im happy, nonetheless. because had i not been fasting id probably would have gained all 8 pounds back. which im sure would have pushed me over the edge. i'd have been a cutting maniac. but, i digress, back to positivity.
I just realized that i type so sporadically. and i lack organization. my posts are very random and every paragraph (well, my version of it) is something different. but hey, thats me. anywhoooooo....
I almsot gave into a nasty craving
I mean i practically float when i walk im soooo happy. i havent eaten in four days. i have never done this. ever. only 6 more! i wonder when its gunna get unbearable. i mean so far its been fairly easy except for the minor stomach growl. im doing ok. hopefully my body is sucking up all my fat.
I have been fantasizing all day about how much weight i could lose this month. and ive been working on my workout plan for the next 10 days. ill be visiting the gym every single day. and twice a day atleast 5 days a week. ill be doing, stair master, leg press, and some light lifting to tone my flabby arms. im beyond excited.
it may sound like im putting too much pressure on myself. but thats exactly what i need :). i like the 10 day challenge. its so invigorating. you guys seriously have to try it. theres nothing like it :) i realized my weakness is saying "Im not going to eat anything but carrots for the next month." only a greek god can do that. im too weak to put food off or even stay focused for a long period of time like that . i think i have ADD. but in little spurts i can exercise some serious self control :)
good luck my beautiful ladies. remember perseverance is the key to success. i loooove all 26 of you! ♥
Thursday, November 11, 2010
thinspo, Day 3 ♥
Day 3 -I know its 1:09 am and technically day 4 but this is regarding nov.11. so thee official day 4 will be posted around 10:30 tonight.) im almost positive no one's following my liquid fast lol. but just in case. i didnt want any confusion.
and im still hanging in there. i caved today :( i ate about 10-15 baby carrots dipped in ranch and a grande caramel mochiato. about 200-300 cals. ill take that :)
just for a heads up (again, just in case some one gives a darn.)
On Nov.18th i will be starting a 10 day hardcore challenge.
-mainly fousing on hardcore exercising
-and major calorie restriciting ( but not a fast. prob under idk, about 500 cals)
i would do the exercising now but without food id be dead by saturday lol. so, ill eat cuz i need energy to get my ass up and work out. this is going to be my new routine every month. 10 days of liquid-fast challenge then the 10 day hardcore challenge. life threatening, maybe. effective, yes. wish me luck my pretties.
Heres a bit of thinspo, since ive never posted before. I want to be beautiful like these women. i want to be timeless. i want to be classic and stunning. i cant wait to walk in the room and be the thinnest girl there. stay focused you guys. im going to try to amp it up..alot. and as always Starve On!
Of course, i had to put some up of Audrey Hepburn. i absolutely love her, still in the process of watching all of her films. She is so stunning. her waist line is invisible. gorg <3
love nylon so that makes this one double awesome!
this one is my fav :)
This is Brianna foster, im 85% sure shes not a porn star...i think:
and im still hanging in there. i caved today :( i ate about 10-15 baby carrots dipped in ranch and a grande caramel mochiato. about 200-300 cals. ill take that :)
just for a heads up (again, just in case some one gives a darn.)
On Nov.18th i will be starting a 10 day hardcore challenge.
-mainly fousing on hardcore exercising
-and major calorie restriciting ( but not a fast. prob under idk, about 500 cals)
i would do the exercising now but without food id be dead by saturday lol. so, ill eat cuz i need energy to get my ass up and work out. this is going to be my new routine every month. 10 days of liquid-fast challenge then the 10 day hardcore challenge. life threatening, maybe. effective, yes. wish me luck my pretties.
Heres a bit of thinspo, since ive never posted before. I want to be beautiful like these women. i want to be timeless. i want to be classic and stunning. i cant wait to walk in the room and be the thinnest girl there. stay focused you guys. im going to try to amp it up..alot. and as always Starve On!
Of course, i had to put some up of Audrey Hepburn. i absolutely love her, still in the process of watching all of her films. She is so stunning. her waist line is invisible. gorg <3
These next pictures are of random beautiful girls, and a few of Audrina :)
Hmmm..lets seee how about some Gossip Girl (blake lively ) id killll for Blakes legs!!
And now for a dose of normalcy, atleast our version of it:
love nylon so that makes this one double awesome! I wish i did have a zipper. it would make my life sooo much easier.
I freaking love Mary K.
this one is my fav :)
Hope you all are thoroughly inspired, I am.
Remember, I love all 25 of you ! ♥
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
sizzle;; pop . day 2
thats the noise in my stomach. and i looove it. its like little pieces of nasty grotesque fat burning and dying. lol sorry to sound so morbid. i have not consumed ANYTHING today besides one cup of starbucks (239).
i feel sooo strong. im so happy. only 8 more days! anyone want to join, the more the merrier. besides i hear its always easier to "diet" when you have someone else depending on you.
oh, and btw i cant remember if ive said this or not. but if you guys ever need an email buddy or anything like that let me know. marsh.sara@rocketmail.com :)
its crazy how obsessed ive become. all i do is pinch my fat all day. is that weird? like, seriously. im walkn around work with my hand under my tshirt squeezin my back fat. it disgust me how round i am. i am a fucking circle. ughhhh! i cant wait to be light and carefree. i want to be skinny so fucking bad, i cant hardly bare it anymore.
confession time. i havent been working out lately. welll, more like forever. last week for two nights in a row i did crunches, bicycles, and ab rolls. then that was it. i was content enough to wallow in my fatness.
stay strong. clearly being strong isnt a strong suit of mine. so until ive proven worthy of the word strong. ill say, try to keep from being weak pretties :)
i feel sooo strong. im so happy. only 8 more days! anyone want to join, the more the merrier. besides i hear its always easier to "diet" when you have someone else depending on you.
oh, and btw i cant remember if ive said this or not. but if you guys ever need an email buddy or anything like that let me know. marsh.sara@rocketmail.com :)
its crazy how obsessed ive become. all i do is pinch my fat all day. is that weird? like, seriously. im walkn around work with my hand under my tshirt squeezin my back fat. it disgust me how round i am. i am a fucking circle. ughhhh! i cant wait to be light and carefree. i want to be skinny so fucking bad, i cant hardly bare it anymore.
confession time. i havent been working out lately. welll, more like forever. last week for two nights in a row i did crunches, bicycles, and ab rolls. then that was it. i was content enough to wallow in my fatness.
my life=fat.
but that will soon change my dears. by monday, 11.15 i want to have dropped 4 more pounds. at least 3. am i asking for too much, maybe. will i give up, NO!
wintergirls.
its 6:12 am and i just finished it. it was breath taking. it made me take a look at my demons. the things that drive me to do the things that i do. truth. im scared.
im scared because i cant control everything. im scared because grandma died of breast cancer when i was in seventh grade. im scared because i was molested as a child. im scared because my mom had cancerous tumors when i was in 10th grade. im scared because she was diabetic. im scared because i want her to stay healthy. im scared because i want my mom to live forever. i cant picture my life without her. im scared because my dad is in debt and i think hes struggling. im scared because my aunt is lonely and also in debt. im scared because my sister is overweight. and i used to make fun of her for it. im scared because my bf doesnt always do exactly what i say.im scared because i might not graduate on time. im scared because i might not have a 4.0. im scared because i dont know what the future holds. im scared of a lot of things. im scared because i feel alone. im so scared i never realized it. im scared of my feelings. im scared of feeling anything. my biggest fear is being alone. being without my family. i miss my grandma everyday. i love her so much. i hope she knew that. im scared because i repeatedly make bad decisions. im scared because i lie so much to hide who i really am that im forgetting myself. im scared my bf wont know how to handle me and all my problems. i hate making him worry. im so scared of living and what it has to offer. but im too scared to die. if that makes any sense at all. im glad i read that book. and i hate that i read that stupid fictional book. i dont want to know these things. i dont want to acknowledge the,. i want to lock them up in a place where im strong. i know exactly whats gunna happen. and when. i want everyone to be happy. i want world peace. i dont want. hate or violence. i want everyone to love and be loved. i want us to support each other. i want there to be a classless judgment free society.
this is me. flaws and all.
im scared because i cant control everything. im scared because grandma died of breast cancer when i was in seventh grade. im scared because i was molested as a child. im scared because my mom had cancerous tumors when i was in 10th grade. im scared because she was diabetic. im scared because i want her to stay healthy. im scared because i want my mom to live forever. i cant picture my life without her. im scared because my dad is in debt and i think hes struggling. im scared because my aunt is lonely and also in debt. im scared because my sister is overweight. and i used to make fun of her for it. im scared because my bf doesnt always do exactly what i say.im scared because i might not graduate on time. im scared because i might not have a 4.0. im scared because i dont know what the future holds. im scared of a lot of things. im scared because i feel alone. im so scared i never realized it. im scared of my feelings. im scared of feeling anything. my biggest fear is being alone. being without my family. i miss my grandma everyday. i love her so much. i hope she knew that. im scared because i repeatedly make bad decisions. im scared because i lie so much to hide who i really am that im forgetting myself. im scared my bf wont know how to handle me and all my problems. i hate making him worry. im so scared of living and what it has to offer. but im too scared to die. if that makes any sense at all. im glad i read that book. and i hate that i read that stupid fictional book. i dont want to know these things. i dont want to acknowledge the,. i want to lock them up in a place where im strong. i know exactly whats gunna happen. and when. i want everyone to be happy. i want world peace. i dont want. hate or violence. i want everyone to love and be loved. i want us to support each other. i want there to be a classless judgment free society.
this is me. flaws and all.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
back on the wagon . day 1
ive been listening to teenage dream for what feels like weeks now, i love it. and i cant seem to turn it off. its like the soundtrack to my life. it keeps going on and on and on.
sunday was bad. sunday felt horrible. sunday made me cry. sunday i cut my self, again. sunday i couldnt take it anymore. the loudness in my head. the bitch in my head that makes me pick fights with my bf. the thing that makes me controlling and at times unbearable. i love my bf, i do, i swear. i wish he understood why i need to control things. i need to. if not, i can control what id do. i feel really...bad.
i hate cutting myself. im lying. i love it. its addictng its the best feeling ive ever felt. it makes me happy and relived. everything is warm and fuzzy again. i can go long periods of time without doing it. then suddenly something petty and stupid pushes me over the edge. its like an out of body experience. (katy perry has been silenced for the first time in ...ages. guess my subconscious is taking this serious, go figure.) im watching myself. im telling myself to stop. i see me rummaging through the bottom drawer in my desk to find a hammer. next is my underwear drawer. way in the back. wayyyy, wayyyyy in the back. i get my shaving razors. i put my razor on the desk, no, wait, too much noise. i put my razor on the floor and beat it till the blade comes off. im sitting on the bed now. cutting myself. encouraging myself. loving it. enjoying the burning and tingling. watching the blood spurt from my flesh. its amazing. im not satisfied. i cut deeper. longer. harder. i want to see some results here people. and just like that im done. happy again. refreshed and ready for whatever. i call my bf apologize and everything is perfect. until the next time.
ive been rubbing the scars all day. they're kind of like trophies, that im ashamed of. (if thats not the biggest contradiction.)
im back on track. my weight is not where it should be.im still minus 8 pounds. but i should be 8 more pounds less. but as you know, i failed. so i start again. no time like the present.
Today marks the first of my 10 day liquid fast. Nothing but liquids is passing these lips. my poison of choice is rasberry lemonade. i know, water is better. but i havent made a store run and i dont want to spend money. my bf said hed buy me some. but now im on his schedule. so, i wait. whilst drinking my rasberry lemonade.
i really think i can do it. all i crave when im not eating is flavor. something water cant provide, no matter how cold it is.
i am reading winter girls online. i really like it so far. Desperate Housewives was good. and i missed GG because of work. but i will be watching it tomorrow...errr tonight. it is 1:20 am and i should be studying or sleeping. why am i doing neither? ugh i piss myself off sometimes.
Great News! i now have 24 followers. every single one of you are amazing. and i love all of your blogs.
stay strong and CONSISTENT! lots of love :)
sunday was bad. sunday felt horrible. sunday made me cry. sunday i cut my self, again. sunday i couldnt take it anymore. the loudness in my head. the bitch in my head that makes me pick fights with my bf. the thing that makes me controlling and at times unbearable. i love my bf, i do, i swear. i wish he understood why i need to control things. i need to. if not, i can control what id do. i feel really...bad.
i hate cutting myself. im lying. i love it. its addictng its the best feeling ive ever felt. it makes me happy and relived. everything is warm and fuzzy again. i can go long periods of time without doing it. then suddenly something petty and stupid pushes me over the edge. its like an out of body experience. (katy perry has been silenced for the first time in ...ages. guess my subconscious is taking this serious, go figure.) im watching myself. im telling myself to stop. i see me rummaging through the bottom drawer in my desk to find a hammer. next is my underwear drawer. way in the back. wayyyy, wayyyyy in the back. i get my shaving razors. i put my razor on the desk, no, wait, too much noise. i put my razor on the floor and beat it till the blade comes off. im sitting on the bed now. cutting myself. encouraging myself. loving it. enjoying the burning and tingling. watching the blood spurt from my flesh. its amazing. im not satisfied. i cut deeper. longer. harder. i want to see some results here people. and just like that im done. happy again. refreshed and ready for whatever. i call my bf apologize and everything is perfect. until the next time.
ive been rubbing the scars all day. they're kind of like trophies, that im ashamed of. (if thats not the biggest contradiction.)
im back on track. my weight is not where it should be.im still minus 8 pounds. but i should be 8 more pounds less. but as you know, i failed. so i start again. no time like the present.
Today marks the first of my 10 day liquid fast. Nothing but liquids is passing these lips. my poison of choice is rasberry lemonade. i know, water is better. but i havent made a store run and i dont want to spend money. my bf said hed buy me some. but now im on his schedule. so, i wait. whilst drinking my rasberry lemonade.
i really think i can do it. all i crave when im not eating is flavor. something water cant provide, no matter how cold it is.
i am reading winter girls online. i really like it so far. Desperate Housewives was good. and i missed GG because of work. but i will be watching it tomorrow...errr tonight. it is 1:20 am and i should be studying or sleeping. why am i doing neither? ugh i piss myself off sometimes.
Great News! i now have 24 followers. every single one of you are amazing. and i love all of your blogs.
stay strong and CONSISTENT! lots of love :)
Sunday, November 7, 2010
the diary of a ranting slacker.
it feels like i havent posted in foreverrrr. i wanted a job so bad, now all i do is work. im full time so i work 40 hrs a week which is hard because im a full time student also. but i keep tellin myself only 2 more months (seasonal) then i can afford to get my cna license and get a real job.
i have thee worst news ever. im procrastinating. i am thinking of anything else to say instead of what i have to/ oh, i am finally caught up with allll the gossip girls episodes. i loooove that show, it brings excitement to my life. i live vicariously through blair and serena. soon, maybe tomorrow, i will be posting thinspo mainly blake lively. shes fucking awesome. (im not the biggest fan of S, but thats an entirely different story) her body is amazingg, shes my muse. shes tall, beautiful, and soo thin! i practically drool watching GG. i want her legs!!
but on to the sordid details of these past two weeks. i have regained 4 pounds. there is no word disgusting enough to describe how i feel about myself. im so ashamed i feel like a failure. why must food control my life? why is this happening to me. i feel like shit. i dont want to live the rest of my life like this. feeling self-conscious about every little thing. every time i walk in a room i suck in my stomach. i barely eat in front of people. but when im alone im like a human vacuum. i literally just have no control. my thought process is so fucked up. i buy high cal foods. like donuts, cupcakes, french fries. and i literally inhale them. i dont even taste them. id have no hope for thinness. if there werent so many beautiful thin girls in the world (i.e. blake lively). that gives me hope that not all of us are fat fucks. this is my first rant. i usually try to stay up beat and positive. i love to be optimistic and hopeful. this is my first time letting this negativity in or should i say out? ...any way i hide my feelings and thoughts from others so much that i subconsciously hide them from myself also. idk how i manage to do that. its crazy, im crazy.
my boyfriend keeps making me food and buying food. i wont even begin to tell you what ive managed to consume in the last 2 weeks for fear of being exiled. its that bad, trust me. i have the habit of blaming my eating habits on him instead of me. although he does offer food...a lot. he tries to be romantic and make me breakfast in bed. and last night he said he wanted to make me dinner, anything i wanted. so he went out and bout $100 worth of food and made all of it. there was rice. crab. shrimp. steak. soooo much meat. luckily for me im a turkey fan so he ate most of it. i dont like steak, pork chops, and beef. but i do like bacon, which i have to stay away from.
idk when or why i started slacking. i was doing so well that i think i started taking my weight loss for granted. forgetting how easy it was to gain back. but ill take this as a lesson learned. im going to get up, dust myself off, and start again. its simply mind over matter. or mind over stomach. i am going to do this. i will have Blake's legs, tummy, and hips, pretty much everything.
wish me luck my beautiful angels :)
i have thee worst news ever. im procrastinating. i am thinking of anything else to say instead of what i have to/ oh, i am finally caught up with allll the gossip girls episodes. i loooove that show, it brings excitement to my life. i live vicariously through blair and serena. soon, maybe tomorrow, i will be posting thinspo mainly blake lively. shes fucking awesome. (im not the biggest fan of S, but thats an entirely different story) her body is amazingg, shes my muse. shes tall, beautiful, and soo thin! i practically drool watching GG. i want her legs!!
but on to the sordid details of these past two weeks. i have regained 4 pounds. there is no word disgusting enough to describe how i feel about myself. im so ashamed i feel like a failure. why must food control my life? why is this happening to me. i feel like shit. i dont want to live the rest of my life like this. feeling self-conscious about every little thing. every time i walk in a room i suck in my stomach. i barely eat in front of people. but when im alone im like a human vacuum. i literally just have no control. my thought process is so fucked up. i buy high cal foods. like donuts, cupcakes, french fries. and i literally inhale them. i dont even taste them. id have no hope for thinness. if there werent so many beautiful thin girls in the world (i.e. blake lively). that gives me hope that not all of us are fat fucks. this is my first rant. i usually try to stay up beat and positive. i love to be optimistic and hopeful. this is my first time letting this negativity in or should i say out? ...any way i hide my feelings and thoughts from others so much that i subconsciously hide them from myself also. idk how i manage to do that. its crazy, im crazy.
my boyfriend keeps making me food and buying food. i wont even begin to tell you what ive managed to consume in the last 2 weeks for fear of being exiled. its that bad, trust me. i have the habit of blaming my eating habits on him instead of me. although he does offer food...a lot. he tries to be romantic and make me breakfast in bed. and last night he said he wanted to make me dinner, anything i wanted. so he went out and bout $100 worth of food and made all of it. there was rice. crab. shrimp. steak. soooo much meat. luckily for me im a turkey fan so he ate most of it. i dont like steak, pork chops, and beef. but i do like bacon, which i have to stay away from.
idk when or why i started slacking. i was doing so well that i think i started taking my weight loss for granted. forgetting how easy it was to gain back. but ill take this as a lesson learned. im going to get up, dust myself off, and start again. its simply mind over matter. or mind over stomach. i am going to do this. i will have Blake's legs, tummy, and hips, pretty much everything.
wish me luck my beautiful angels :)
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Desperate Housewives.
In the midst of my favorite show, Ive discovered that since I started this journey. Ive my lost EIGHT pounds!! can you say shocker. I am so elated. I mean I thought I was doing well, but I cant really see the difference in my body. I mean i feel like my tummy has been a bit flatter,but the next i feel bloated. I have to keep it up, I still may make my thanksgiving goal despite my eff up last week.
Ive dont nothing but relax and watch gossip girls all weekend. Im obsessed with that show. I used to watch it when it first aired, but I got so busy and stopped. Next thing i know its the 4th season. So ive been catching up, Im up to the half point of season 2. I wanted to be caught up by Monday for the new episode but it looks like its not gunna happen.
I have 19 followers now!! i love every single one of you, and thanks for following back :)
Ive dont nothing but relax and watch gossip girls all weekend. Im obsessed with that show. I used to watch it when it first aired, but I got so busy and stopped. Next thing i know its the 4th season. So ive been catching up, Im up to the half point of season 2. I wanted to be caught up by Monday for the new episode but it looks like its not gunna happen.
I have 19 followers now!! i love every single one of you, and thanks for following back :)
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Thanks are in Order, lovelies :)
OMG! you guys are absolutely, positively thee BEST in the world. I am a huuuge believer in what i like to call "good vibes" lol. and with all of your good vibes i got the job! im soooo excited. ANNNND i got an A on my Anatomy test. I feel so energized and great! I looove all of my followers, you guys are sooo great. (i really need to learn some new adjectives lol)
Today I ate Subway and three chocolate cookies! i feel like sucha failure. I need to refocus and find more things to occupy my time. Ive been studying like crazy to keep myself busy, which i guess is good. but i need a little more entertainment in my life. I will be making my blog rounds today.
I wanted to talk about a lot today, but my parents are way too excited to skype me so i guess ill go chat with them for a while. maybe ill be back tonight :)
Love & Happiness ladies :)
Today I ate Subway and three chocolate cookies! i feel like sucha failure. I need to refocus and find more things to occupy my time. Ive been studying like crazy to keep myself busy, which i guess is good. but i need a little more entertainment in my life. I will be making my blog rounds today.
I wanted to talk about a lot today, but my parents are way too excited to skype me so i guess ill go chat with them for a while. maybe ill be back tonight :)
Love & Happiness ladies :)
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Libra Scale.
Seein as im a Libra i thought this was appropriately named.
because i definitely need a scale in my life. not a literal one. but i feel like i lack balance. like im never 50/50. but then again i dont think any of us are (and i dont mean that in a bad way). i mean think about it. if we were completely balanced we wouldn't be us, you know. being slightly over the edge is what makes us push ourselves to be better. we expect more out of ourselves than the average person. and i admire us (mostly you
guys) for that.
I'm sorry i havent posted in a while, i feel like sucha slacker! but ive been way too busy. ive had test after test. and when im not studying im too exhausted to keep my eyes open let alone pick up my laptop.
I am anxiously tapping my foot as I am typing this. I have an interview with Macys in 1 hour. I have butterflies. But i usually do really good at interviews so I am trying to convince myself to relax.
My food intake this weekend wasn't too shabby. I def didnt wanna eat as much as I did, but still progress is progress. My weight is not bad, suprisingly I didnt gain anything from my calorie intake this weekend. My demented scale says I lost 3.2 pounds, maybe its not so demented after all. now if i could only get my metabolism to work for once in my life.
Im sooooo nervous.
On to other news. I have 16 followers! im soo excited. I dont think I'll ever not be excited lol. Its so friggin sweet that you guys took the time to folllow me. Im grateful. I will be visiting all your sites for inspiration (as always).
Lots of love and kisses. stay strong, ladies :)
because i definitely need a scale in my life. not a literal one. but i feel like i lack balance. like im never 50/50. but then again i dont think any of us are (and i dont mean that in a bad way). i mean think about it. if we were completely balanced we wouldn't be us, you know. being slightly over the edge is what makes us push ourselves to be better. we expect more out of ourselves than the average person. and i admire us (mostly you
guys) for that.
I'm sorry i havent posted in a while, i feel like sucha slacker! but ive been way too busy. ive had test after test. and when im not studying im too exhausted to keep my eyes open let alone pick up my laptop.
I am anxiously tapping my foot as I am typing this. I have an interview with Macys in 1 hour. I have butterflies. But i usually do really good at interviews so I am trying to convince myself to relax.
My food intake this weekend wasn't too shabby. I def didnt wanna eat as much as I did, but still progress is progress. My weight is not bad, suprisingly I didnt gain anything from my calorie intake this weekend. My demented scale says I lost 3.2 pounds, maybe its not so demented after all. now if i could only get my metabolism to work for once in my life.
Im sooooo nervous.
On to other news. I have 16 followers! im soo excited. I dont think I'll ever not be excited lol. Its so friggin sweet that you guys took the time to folllow me. Im grateful. I will be visiting all your sites for inspiration (as always).
Lots of love and kisses. stay strong, ladies :)
Thursday, October 14, 2010
livestrong.
thats what my armstrong bracelet says. until i get a bracelt (still thinking about it). i wear that as inspiration.
I'm doing so well im kinda proud of myself. Still hoping this willl-power is here to stay. dont waana bank on it though.
My calorie intake today is doing good. im actually calorie freeee! nothing has passed my lips except water and my vitamins. i loove emptiness. its soo...yummy!
I watched this new show on E! last night. i cant remember the exact title, but it was something like "what i eat". its a 6 part docu-series on people with ED's. it seems...interesting. i think ill keep up with it, if i ever remember.
I now have 7 followers! im uber excited! And i got comments. is today my lucky day or what??
I love having suport and giving it! i feel like i have a purpose now. its kinda weird. i would never want to let anyone down. so im even MORE focused. if thats even possible.
good luck ladies : )
I'm doing so well im kinda proud of myself. Still hoping this willl-power is here to stay. dont waana bank on it though.
My calorie intake today is doing good. im actually calorie freeee! nothing has passed my lips except water and my vitamins. i loove emptiness. its soo...yummy!
I watched this new show on E! last night. i cant remember the exact title, but it was something like "what i eat". its a 6 part docu-series on people with ED's. it seems...interesting. i think ill keep up with it, if i ever remember.
I now have 7 followers! im uber excited! And i got comments. is today my lucky day or what??
I love having suport and giving it! i feel like i have a purpose now. its kinda weird. i would never want to let anyone down. so im even MORE focused. if thats even possible.
good luck ladies : )
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tip of the day.
Food consumption=emotions.
try to tackle whatever it is you feel emotionally instead of eating that slice of chocolate cake.
go yell at the asshole who pissed you off.
punch that pillow.
talk to your family/friends.
dont be a slave to your emotions. because they are liars.
they will convince you that ice cream will make the pain disappear.
that extra hamburger will melt away anything you're angry about.
they are lying to you. and you're feeding into it.
literally.
Excuses.
dont make the excuse of "cravings" when you run out for that late night snack.
remember cravings are for weak people. and so are excuses.
we are above that. we're striving for perfection here people.
we hold ourselves to a higher standard.
Do not let food make you its BITCH!
FAILURE.
is NOT an option.
Success. is. inevitable.
stay focused, guys. you can do it.
try to tackle whatever it is you feel emotionally instead of eating that slice of chocolate cake.
go yell at the asshole who pissed you off.
punch that pillow.
talk to your family/friends.
dont be a slave to your emotions. because they are liars.
they will convince you that ice cream will make the pain disappear.
that extra hamburger will melt away anything you're angry about.
they are lying to you. and you're feeding into it.
literally.
Excuses.
dont make the excuse of "cravings" when you run out for that late night snack.
remember cravings are for weak people. and so are excuses.
we are above that. we're striving for perfection here people.
we hold ourselves to a higher standard.
Do not let food make you its BITCH!
FAILURE.
is NOT an option.
Success. is. inevitable.
stay focused, guys. you can do it.
dust yourself off and try again!
Sooooo. of course i get something at the drive through. and im .8 pounds heavier in ONE hour. honestly i think my scale is out to get me. ive never done anything wrong. except i swear at it at least twice a day. maybe it has low self esteem and in turn has decided to punish me for its lack of accuracy. how ruuuuude.
How can i joke during a time like this? because im happy. soooo Happy. i think the thinspo all over my walls and phone is finally working. because while i was eating last night i was literally forcing myself to eat. taking deep looong breaths between each bite. i didnt want it. i was full. and it was making me feel disgusting. i never wanna eat again. i finally feel like this can happen for me. im that much closer. just a word of advice, not that im qualified to give any, but still. whenever i feel like omggg this is taking forever or feel hungry i just think how happy ill feel when i look at the scale and it says ive dropped a pound. or more.
i know, you may be thinking..DUH!!! but i think a lot of us forget that. we try sooo hard to stay away from from. we keep saying. "no food, no food!" but once were up close and personal with it, we cave. we forget what made us start this anyway. we forget how beautiful we want to feel. and im not just talking about glancin at some thinspo. i mean reallly remembering what triggered this in the first place. being the shallow person that i am, it was clothes. but then it was the control. i can CONTROL what goes in my mouth. when. and why. not anyone else. i cant control who loves me. who hates me. why my teacher gave me a bad mark. but i can control what i eat. its really a beautiful thing. i love that in this little thing i have all the power in the world. its enticing, and dangerous. they're both intertwined. its like dancing with the devil. it may start off as a guilty pleasure. fun. light. exciting. then suddenly it changes. it isnt just a pound. its 10 more. then 10 more. then just a few more inches here. ive been there. ive been to that scary place where you cant even recognize yourself. where youre crying on the kitchen floor because you cant force yourself to eat. its not fun.
pause. let me slow my roll. i did not mean to get preachy. i just see so many people saying they wish they could be anorexic. but they have no idea. i hope i can get through to somebody. but for those of us already waltzing. fight on!
I have another follower. this makes me excited to come and write and have something good to report. who knew people i never met could encourage me so much. i appreciate that.
Good LUCK ! :)
How can i joke during a time like this? because im happy. soooo Happy. i think the thinspo all over my walls and phone is finally working. because while i was eating last night i was literally forcing myself to eat. taking deep looong breaths between each bite. i didnt want it. i was full. and it was making me feel disgusting. i never wanna eat again. i finally feel like this can happen for me. im that much closer. just a word of advice, not that im qualified to give any, but still. whenever i feel like omggg this is taking forever or feel hungry i just think how happy ill feel when i look at the scale and it says ive dropped a pound. or more.
i know, you may be thinking..DUH!!! but i think a lot of us forget that. we try sooo hard to stay away from from. we keep saying. "no food, no food!" but once were up close and personal with it, we cave. we forget what made us start this anyway. we forget how beautiful we want to feel. and im not just talking about glancin at some thinspo. i mean reallly remembering what triggered this in the first place. being the shallow person that i am, it was clothes. but then it was the control. i can CONTROL what goes in my mouth. when. and why. not anyone else. i cant control who loves me. who hates me. why my teacher gave me a bad mark. but i can control what i eat. its really a beautiful thing. i love that in this little thing i have all the power in the world. its enticing, and dangerous. they're both intertwined. its like dancing with the devil. it may start off as a guilty pleasure. fun. light. exciting. then suddenly it changes. it isnt just a pound. its 10 more. then 10 more. then just a few more inches here. ive been there. ive been to that scary place where you cant even recognize yourself. where youre crying on the kitchen floor because you cant force yourself to eat. its not fun.
pause. let me slow my roll. i did not mean to get preachy. i just see so many people saying they wish they could be anorexic. but they have no idea. i hope i can get through to somebody. but for those of us already waltzing. fight on!
I have another follower. this makes me excited to come and write and have something good to report. who knew people i never met could encourage me so much. i appreciate that.
Good LUCK ! :)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
little things.
its the little things that inspire me. or should i say reinpsire me.
my bf saying i was hurting him when i layed on him.
is definetly one of them. but im glad he said it. its the fuel i need to keep going. i hate myself. but am in love with who i could be. can be. should be. WILL be.
im off too pick him up some fast food. i need every prayer in the world to restrain me from getting something myself. i never eat fast food on my own. its when he wants something that im faced with the taunting drive through. gosh. hope i make it out alive. and thin!
my bf saying i was hurting him when i layed on him.
is definetly one of them. but im glad he said it. its the fuel i need to keep going. i hate myself. but am in love with who i could be. can be. should be. WILL be.
im off too pick him up some fast food. i need every prayer in the world to restrain me from getting something myself. i never eat fast food on my own. its when he wants something that im faced with the taunting drive through. gosh. hope i make it out alive. and thin!
Is that doubt I taste??
I did horrendous on my weekend fast, but I restarted. im feeling refueled and ready to reach my goal weight. Its almost scary how focused I am. Im making myself nervous. scratch that, really nervous. ive been upfront about my eating patterns these last few days and my bf is okay with it. its nice that i have someone to support me.Yesterday, I had an apple and probably 25-30 carrots. Today I had 4 french fries, (my bf was eating them and i caved :( ) an apple, and 25-30 carrots. Idk when the will power arrived, but hopefully its here to stay. I have sooooo much to say, but i might have to keep this short seeing as my bf is sitting on the bed and im pretending to email my mother. hopefully he doesnt get to suspicious. I feel so overwhelmed at times. Ive only been on this "fast" for 2 days and im already scared. i guess im just a punk. i feel uber determined and ive lost 3 pounds since sunday. for me that's excellent, especially in just 2 days. i didnt get a run or the gym in Monday because my partner (bf) had a stomach virus and was throwing up alll day. and i played nurse.
whenever i visit other ana blogs they always talk about how they love that light feeling or how they miss the emptiness of not eating. i totally get it now. I feel ecstatic.like i can do anything. at any given moment. i loove this feeling. i never want it to leave. i feel so happy that im sad. i guess i reached my peak happiness and there was nowhere to go but down. i probably sound totally nonsensical. and im ok with that. .
My plan is to stay on this fast until next monday 10.18.10 hopefully ill be down 10 lbs. but ill settle for 7 or 8.
My fellow, ummm, extreme dieters. do you guys ever get scared about going too far? Anorexia and bulimia are certainly nothing to play with. i wish i could walk away sometimes. but the high is insane. nothing compares. no matter the hunger pains. which surprisingly are very rare...hmm go figure. anyway. despite the hunger pains. headaches. and dizziness. its worth it. i cant wait till i get where i wanna be. where i need to be.
I want to have a sexy bikini on. preferably pink or black. but really as long as it is a bikini, who cares what friggin color it is. i want to be light as a freakin feather. i want to be barely there. i want a space between my thighs. i want beautiful collar bones. that effervescently peak out. i want my thin face back. i want peekaboo cheek bones. i want to put on leggings and a tshirt and absolutely NOTHING jiggle,wiggle or flop. i want to be soooo thin. not scary thin. not 'hospital admittance thin'. but thin. beautifully thin. sexy. happy. carefree. i want to be one of those girls that people say, "omg youre sooo lucky you can eat whatever you want and never gain a pound. i want to be beautiful dammit! i cant wait. ill do whatever it takes. my drive right now is incredible. ive never been more determined in my life. i. swear. to. God.
I think ill post some thinspo soon.
good luck ladies :) oh and i have a NEW follower. thanks beautiful!
whenever i visit other ana blogs they always talk about how they love that light feeling or how they miss the emptiness of not eating. i totally get it now. I feel ecstatic.like i can do anything. at any given moment. i loove this feeling. i never want it to leave. i feel so happy that im sad. i guess i reached my peak happiness and there was nowhere to go but down. i probably sound totally nonsensical. and im ok with that. .
My plan is to stay on this fast until next monday 10.18.10 hopefully ill be down 10 lbs. but ill settle for 7 or 8.
My fellow, ummm, extreme dieters. do you guys ever get scared about going too far? Anorexia and bulimia are certainly nothing to play with. i wish i could walk away sometimes. but the high is insane. nothing compares. no matter the hunger pains. which surprisingly are very rare...hmm go figure. anyway. despite the hunger pains. headaches. and dizziness. its worth it. i cant wait till i get where i wanna be. where i need to be.
I want to have a sexy bikini on. preferably pink or black. but really as long as it is a bikini, who cares what friggin color it is. i want to be light as a freakin feather. i want to be barely there. i want a space between my thighs. i want beautiful collar bones. that effervescently peak out. i want my thin face back. i want peekaboo cheek bones. i want to put on leggings and a tshirt and absolutely NOTHING jiggle,wiggle or flop. i want to be soooo thin. not scary thin. not 'hospital admittance thin'. but thin. beautifully thin. sexy. happy. carefree. i want to be one of those girls that people say, "omg youre sooo lucky you can eat whatever you want and never gain a pound. i want to be beautiful dammit! i cant wait. ill do whatever it takes. my drive right now is incredible. ive never been more determined in my life. i. swear. to. God.
I think ill post some thinspo soon.
good luck ladies :) oh and i have a NEW follower. thanks beautiful!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
another year older..
AND, while im at it, hopefuly wiser. wise enough to know the difference between right and wrong. justice and injustice. peace and war. happiness and misery. pity and sympathy. love and hate.
those are thee most imprtant things in life, and hopefully ill learn to accept a few and deny the others.
Anywayyyyyy, enough of the deeposity. and yes, i do tend to make up my own words. but i never say them out loud. strange right?
My birthday went very welll, started off sad and alone and ended up surrounded by the ones i love. really, who could ask for more? My calorie intake probably was outrageuos but before i started the day i made a vow with myself to be ok with that. i am a little pissed that my calories were wasted on the disgusting mexican food. i loooooove mexican food, and this place was hooorrriibble! i mean really the burrito is pretty basic. get it together people! i didnt make it to church today, bummer :/. but im having a detox day, to realx, watch tv, and maybe a snakc. but this snack will be extremely fattening. im craving the cookie desert from applebees. which ill go pick up in a bit. but ill compensate by not eating anything else for the rest of the day. and ill be going runnin tomorrow. since its monday. sometimes i wonder where i get my logic from. it can be sooo backwards at times.
have a good day, focused.
those are thee most imprtant things in life, and hopefully ill learn to accept a few and deny the others.
Anywayyyyyy, enough of the deeposity. and yes, i do tend to make up my own words. but i never say them out loud. strange right?
My birthday went very welll, started off sad and alone and ended up surrounded by the ones i love. really, who could ask for more? My calorie intake probably was outrageuos but before i started the day i made a vow with myself to be ok with that. i am a little pissed that my calories were wasted on the disgusting mexican food. i loooooove mexican food, and this place was hooorrriibble! i mean really the burrito is pretty basic. get it together people! i didnt make it to church today, bummer :/. but im having a detox day, to realx, watch tv, and maybe a snakc. but this snack will be extremely fattening. im craving the cookie desert from applebees. which ill go pick up in a bit. but ill compensate by not eating anything else for the rest of the day. and ill be going runnin tomorrow. since its monday. sometimes i wonder where i get my logic from. it can be sooo backwards at times.
have a good day, focused.
Friday, October 8, 2010
major fuck up
dammit! i have no will power. i caved. my friend was eating something delicious and i caved. i decided to make a little snack and i ate a whole can of tuna, 1 1/2 packs of Ritz, and a can of peaches. What is wrong with me! im sooo pissed. i feel fat and disgusting im trying to keep myself busy. but its been a zillion years since ive fasted and i suck! i really thought i could do it. i need to restart but its gunna be hard cuz once my bf gets back hes gunna wannna eat and stuff. its hard for me to not eat when i have to cook him dinner.
My evil scale went up 4 pounds, that is impossible, i could not have gained that much. (Lord i hope not!) its always fluctuating but its sooooo unreliable. i need to get a new one asap.
i haaate foood, im never gunna be skinny. i hate it! i hate this disgusting blubber hanging all over the place. i haaaate this. i feel fat in my legs, arms, neck, face, hands. my body is 99% fat! i want fucking visible collar bones and hip bones, is that too much to ask for? ahhhhhhhhh!!!!! foood is the enemy! i hate that it haves all this control over me, why cant i stand up to it. its been manipulating me for 20 yrs. btw, my birthday is in 16 minutes and im sooo not feelin it, ill be 20 yrs old....and fat!!! i haate this. im a slave to food. why cant i escape it its harassing me. i want to press charges.
morbidly depressed.night guys.
My evil scale went up 4 pounds, that is impossible, i could not have gained that much. (Lord i hope not!) its always fluctuating but its sooooo unreliable. i need to get a new one asap.
i haaate foood, im never gunna be skinny. i hate it! i hate this disgusting blubber hanging all over the place. i haaaate this. i feel fat in my legs, arms, neck, face, hands. my body is 99% fat! i want fucking visible collar bones and hip bones, is that too much to ask for? ahhhhhhhhh!!!!! foood is the enemy! i hate that it haves all this control over me, why cant i stand up to it. its been manipulating me for 20 yrs. btw, my birthday is in 16 minutes and im sooo not feelin it, ill be 20 yrs old....and fat!!! i haate this. im a slave to food. why cant i escape it its harassing me. i want to press charges.
morbidly depressed.night guys.
MUSiC & little tidbits ♥
I forgot to mention one of the huuuuge loves of my life! music, of course!
i loove music everything about it: how it sounds, how it feels, how it tastes (yes, i have tasted music before #dontjudgeme lol). It sends electricity through my veins, granted i normally wouldn't appreciate that, but this is the only exception. Speaking of exceptions, i looooove Paramore, Hayley is one kick as red head! Oh and another tid bit about me. i want to be a red head so bad, but unless i want to look like lil kim (who btw i loove her music, mostly the 90's and early 2k stuuf) i better stick with black. i have been known to tamper with blondes, blues, greens, purples, and burgundy's.
A few of my ALL TIME favorite artist who i literally cant get enough of:
Paramore..duh!
Bob Marley...kick ass'
The doors..jim morrison's voice makes my heart smile
The police
tupac
lady gaga (im borderline fan/borderline annoyed)
katy perry..her music is soo lightt and carefree, but u can still get something from it..know what i mean?
Madonna..duh
Rollingstones...
Beatles...this list would be an epic fail without them
beach boys..they induce this beachy, sleepy, nostalgic feeling. love it
John Lennon ...Imagine blew my mind, still does.
Hall & Oates...id sooooo go to this concert if id been born in the 70's
The pretenders
erykah badu ....shes soooo...unexplanainable & great at the same time'
Lauryn hill... if you havent heard her youre crazy
fugees
The saturdays..idk how i even heard of them but theyre cool
The veronicas
Journey
Green day..im either sad (the good kind) or rebellious after listening to them lol
Earth, Wind, & Fire...ammazinggg
the cure
Sly & the family stone
Aaliyah
Alicia Keys
Afroman
Jayz
Amy Winehouse
Anthony Hamilton
Avril
J. cole
Lupe
dixie chicks
Dr. dre
eminenm
dj quik
suga free
dwele
a fine frenzy
gabriella climi
gin wigmore
heather headley
janelle monae
john mayer
leona lewis
marsha ambrosius
marvin gaye
maxwell
al green
Me'shel Ndegeocello
miguel
miley/hannah
cheetah girls
mozella
panic at the disco
relient k
sam sparro-back&gold. inredible
She & him
TAYLOR SWIFT!!! cant wait til oct. 25th :)
tracy chapman. liusten to fast car, you wont regret it :)
sade
ATCQ
Van Hunt
Willow smith...yes, as a matter of fact, i do whip my hair :)
yellow card
jeezy
3 doors down
....ok so, i know i said a few, but i started looking thru my iphone and i lost track of tme..but when it comes to music, you cant blame me for getting carried away...can you? I looove discovering new artist. I loooove mostly all genres of music. off the top of my head a few i cant get into are: metallica, classical, and jazz (which i hate to say because my dad is a huuuuuge jazz fan)
If you guys ever wanna share music that you think ill be into, websites for undergound stuff, or anything relating to music..PLEASE FEEL FREE!!
Oh, i also looove hippies and everything about them, that era, everythhinnggg! im sort of a fanatic (although i do have my violent outbursts lol) i loove the 70s, 80s, and 90s. thats where all the good shit went down. i loove movies about that time period. school daze, woodstock, etc.
Peace, Music, & Love ladies. :)
i loove music everything about it: how it sounds, how it feels, how it tastes (yes, i have tasted music before #dontjudgeme lol). It sends electricity through my veins, granted i normally wouldn't appreciate that, but this is the only exception. Speaking of exceptions, i looooove Paramore, Hayley is one kick as red head! Oh and another tid bit about me. i want to be a red head so bad, but unless i want to look like lil kim (who btw i loove her music, mostly the 90's and early 2k stuuf) i better stick with black. i have been known to tamper with blondes, blues, greens, purples, and burgundy's.
A few of my ALL TIME favorite artist who i literally cant get enough of:
Paramore..duh!
Bob Marley...kick ass'
The doors..jim morrison's voice makes my heart smile
The police
tupac
lady gaga (im borderline fan/borderline annoyed)
katy perry..her music is soo lightt and carefree, but u can still get something from it..know what i mean?
Madonna..duh
Rollingstones...
Beatles...this list would be an epic fail without them
beach boys..they induce this beachy, sleepy, nostalgic feeling. love it
John Lennon ...Imagine blew my mind, still does.
Hall & Oates...id sooooo go to this concert if id been born in the 70's
The pretenders
erykah badu ....shes soooo...unexplanainable & great at the same time'
Lauryn hill... if you havent heard her youre crazy
fugees
The saturdays..idk how i even heard of them but theyre cool
The veronicas
Journey
Green day..im either sad (the good kind) or rebellious after listening to them lol
Earth, Wind, & Fire...ammazinggg
the cure
Sly & the family stone
Aaliyah
Alicia Keys
Afroman
Jayz
Amy Winehouse
Anthony Hamilton
Avril
J. cole
Lupe
dixie chicks
Dr. dre
eminenm
dj quik
suga free
dwele
a fine frenzy
gabriella climi
gin wigmore
heather headley
janelle monae
john mayer
leona lewis
marsha ambrosius
marvin gaye
maxwell
al green
Me'shel Ndegeocello
miguel
miley/hannah
cheetah girls
mozella
panic at the disco
relient k
sam sparro-back&gold. inredible
She & him
TAYLOR SWIFT!!! cant wait til oct. 25th :)
tracy chapman. liusten to fast car, you wont regret it :)
sade
ATCQ
Van Hunt
Willow smith...yes, as a matter of fact, i do whip my hair :)
yellow card
jeezy
3 doors down
....ok so, i know i said a few, but i started looking thru my iphone and i lost track of tme..but when it comes to music, you cant blame me for getting carried away...can you? I looove discovering new artist. I loooove mostly all genres of music. off the top of my head a few i cant get into are: metallica, classical, and jazz (which i hate to say because my dad is a huuuuuge jazz fan)
If you guys ever wanna share music that you think ill be into, websites for undergound stuff, or anything relating to music..PLEASE FEEL FREE!!
Oh, i also looove hippies and everything about them, that era, everythhinnggg! im sort of a fanatic (although i do have my violent outbursts lol) i loove the 70s, 80s, and 90s. thats where all the good shit went down. i loove movies about that time period. school daze, woodstock, etc.
Peace, Music, & Love ladies. :)
Random
Just a word of advice, 99.9% of the time my blog titles have little if any relativity to the blog itself.
What can i say, i like to keep it funky :)
What can i say, i like to keep it funky :)
Bittersweet .
Here I am in my room asking my self the age old question. Should i do laundry or not? ehhhh, I'm really not in the mood to be stared at by people i do not know in my apartment's wash room. On the other hand, i do have five fingers. so really when you think about it anything's possible :)
But on to other serious issues, I went running today again and it went rather well. Seeing as I despise running I'm proud i made it out for a second time. But I did not go to the gym today (bummer). my bf wanted to get on the road home so i skipped out. and ill admit that at the time i was a little happy to skip, but now i realized im only hurting myself. BTW, my fast started today so Iv'e had 1 apple so far and its going on 3 p.m. I need to find something to distract me if I get hungry. I wish it was Sunday so desperate housewives could be on, ive been a slave to that show since season 1. But im also gunna catch up on some goosip gilrs (havent watched since season 1, i know im wayyyyyy behind lol), veronica mars, (i never found out how that ended), pretty little liars, and SLAT. I loove those shows. but when i sit down to wtch them i always think i wish i had some ______ (insert fattening food here). so, maybe ill bite the bullet and do laundry afterall.
Ive never really confirmed on whether i had a ED. id say yes and no. I dont want to admit it, denial is not just a river in egypt. i like to think that i control my ED not the other way around. Im sooo backwards when it come to food. like seriously we have a love/hate relationship. I hate what it does to my body. But being black i think i have a predisposition to being slightly more curvy than the average gal, i wish it would freakin go away. i want suttle curves. I wish I could post a picture so you could see what Im talking about but Im nowhere near ready for that yet. I mean Im not like super curvy but im not skinny either. its hard to explain, i give up.
I wish I had a friend to keep me motivated, but its not like I can walk around with a sign that says "Need help with ED, any volunteers?", if only the world was that easy...omg i just had a huuuuge craving for french fries. You see this is what im talking about, I get crazy cravings like a pregnant person, which im def. not.
TGiF! preparing myself for a groovy ass night, let the music downloading & movie watching begin!
stay strong my pretties (AND i have another follower, who woulda thunk it? =D
But on to other serious issues, I went running today again and it went rather well. Seeing as I despise running I'm proud i made it out for a second time. But I did not go to the gym today (bummer). my bf wanted to get on the road home so i skipped out. and ill admit that at the time i was a little happy to skip, but now i realized im only hurting myself. BTW, my fast started today so Iv'e had 1 apple so far and its going on 3 p.m. I need to find something to distract me if I get hungry. I wish it was Sunday so desperate housewives could be on, ive been a slave to that show since season 1. But im also gunna catch up on some goosip gilrs (havent watched since season 1, i know im wayyyyyy behind lol), veronica mars, (i never found out how that ended), pretty little liars, and SLAT. I loove those shows. but when i sit down to wtch them i always think i wish i had some ______ (insert fattening food here). so, maybe ill bite the bullet and do laundry afterall.
Ive never really confirmed on whether i had a ED. id say yes and no. I dont want to admit it, denial is not just a river in egypt. i like to think that i control my ED not the other way around. Im sooo backwards when it come to food. like seriously we have a love/hate relationship. I hate what it does to my body. But being black i think i have a predisposition to being slightly more curvy than the average gal, i wish it would freakin go away. i want suttle curves. I wish I could post a picture so you could see what Im talking about but Im nowhere near ready for that yet. I mean Im not like super curvy but im not skinny either. its hard to explain, i give up.
I wish I had a friend to keep me motivated, but its not like I can walk around with a sign that says "Need help with ED, any volunteers?", if only the world was that easy...omg i just had a huuuuge craving for french fries. You see this is what im talking about, I get crazy cravings like a pregnant person, which im def. not.
TGiF! preparing myself for a groovy ass night, let the music downloading & movie watching begin!
stay strong my pretties (AND i have another follower, who woulda thunk it? =D
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I did it!
today is a good, wait scratch that, its an Amazing dayy! for 2 reasons. 1) I had a great workout and 2) I got my first follower! ok, i know its not a friday but in the words of ice cube "today was a good day" lol im wayy too corny.
My workout was orgasmic I ran at top speed for 20 min, jogged, then ran top speed for 30 min, then walked. Which is huge for me since I hateeee running, but i love the way it makes me feel. i know im completely backwards, but im ok with that. OH, and i even wore a 20 pound weight vest, picked it up from walmart last night. that thing is ridiculously heavy serioulsy i thought i was gunna die. Then I went straight to the gym, i did weights, treadmill, leg press, the elliptical, and 2 weird thigh machines that worked great! so i felt the burn today, and i lost 3 lbs, im thrilled. its not a lot but its less than yesterday, hopefully this starts a pattern. im soo excited i have to give a huuuuge thnks to my bf for goin with me and pushing me the whole way :)
On to other news, im thinking of joining the pre med club at my school, i just haaate going to meetings. but it will look great on grad school apps so im in there like swim wear. oh and the best news of all the cheer team is having tryouts on the 20th (which is like a sign from God because they had one in late august but i punked out) so i def wanna do this one. and its kinda perfect timing cuz it will give me the extra incentive to work my ass off and drop as much weight as i can in 14 days. I dont wanna be the fattest person on the team, and i know my thighs will look ginormous. i def wanna lose 20 pounds by Nov. 1st and 20 more by thanksgiving, since im going home with my bf, i wanna look my very best.
the only downside of trying out is, i have to go to everyyy game and once i get a job id have to schedule around them. ehhhhh, ill think it over.
i feel soooo great i think ill start my fast today and quit tuesday, well not a fast really ill just be eating raw baby carrots, celery, and drinking aqua. if i do that for 14 days, i should drop at least 10 pounds, hopefully more. and i wanna learn to flip, but i wont get ahead of my self lol. i mean i have experience in dance i did modern, ballet, and jazz for like 6 yrs till i broke my knee and everything got shot to hell. i havent done cheer exactly, more like step/drill team. im from la so our step team had a little less cheer and a lot more booty shakin and what not. i mean i can dance, but these girls can do a fucking full twisting lay out.
ummm brb!
im back, i took a little break to practice my toe touch which is sloppy as hell. ughhh lord give me strength.
wish me luck, follower (gosh, im way to happy to say that lol)
stay strong, and remember food is the ENEMY!
My workout was orgasmic I ran at top speed for 20 min, jogged, then ran top speed for 30 min, then walked. Which is huge for me since I hateeee running, but i love the way it makes me feel. i know im completely backwards, but im ok with that. OH, and i even wore a 20 pound weight vest, picked it up from walmart last night. that thing is ridiculously heavy serioulsy i thought i was gunna die. Then I went straight to the gym, i did weights, treadmill, leg press, the elliptical, and 2 weird thigh machines that worked great! so i felt the burn today, and i lost 3 lbs, im thrilled. its not a lot but its less than yesterday, hopefully this starts a pattern. im soo excited i have to give a huuuuge thnks to my bf for goin with me and pushing me the whole way :)
On to other news, im thinking of joining the pre med club at my school, i just haaate going to meetings. but it will look great on grad school apps so im in there like swim wear. oh and the best news of all the cheer team is having tryouts on the 20th (which is like a sign from God because they had one in late august but i punked out) so i def wanna do this one. and its kinda perfect timing cuz it will give me the extra incentive to work my ass off and drop as much weight as i can in 14 days. I dont wanna be the fattest person on the team, and i know my thighs will look ginormous. i def wanna lose 20 pounds by Nov. 1st and 20 more by thanksgiving, since im going home with my bf, i wanna look my very best.
the only downside of trying out is, i have to go to everyyy game and once i get a job id have to schedule around them. ehhhhh, ill think it over.
i feel soooo great i think ill start my fast today and quit tuesday, well not a fast really ill just be eating raw baby carrots, celery, and drinking aqua. if i do that for 14 days, i should drop at least 10 pounds, hopefully more. and i wanna learn to flip, but i wont get ahead of my self lol. i mean i have experience in dance i did modern, ballet, and jazz for like 6 yrs till i broke my knee and everything got shot to hell. i havent done cheer exactly, more like step/drill team. im from la so our step team had a little less cheer and a lot more booty shakin and what not. i mean i can dance, but these girls can do a fucking full twisting lay out.
ummm brb!
im back, i took a little break to practice my toe touch which is sloppy as hell. ughhh lord give me strength.
wish me luck, follower (gosh, im way to happy to say that lol)
stay strong, and remember food is the ENEMY!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
ohh, you're givin me a rush!
So, yesterday went pretty well last night my bf surprised me with a meal from wendys and was encouraging me to eat! He knows about my diet, to a certain extent. So, i ate just the sandwhich then i felt like shit afterwards even tho it was the only thing i ate all day :) . i kinda feel like shit now.today ive had 1 reeses cup, a bite of his cheeseburger, 2 sips of lemonade, and a kit kat. ughhh im pretty sure thats still like a zillion calories. I should do pretty great this weekend though, seeing as ill be alll alone, which is both good and bad.
Not eating gives me sucha rush, it makes me feel like i can do anything. i love that feeling, and instead of food i will crave that feeling.
My bf is going to his home town this weekend to visit some friends who are home from school. buuut my 20th birthday is on saturday, so ill be all alone :( and no hes not an asshole. i totally gave him permission i want him to go have fun for once since we only hang out with each other 99.9% of th time. i think hes leaving thursday night and returning sunday evening. im letting him use my car so that means no food runs for me even if im starving. im sooo thrilled about that because when im super weak in the middle of the night i get cravings for cereal, my favs are of course the most fattening, lucky charms and captain crunch.
i wish i had friends sometimes, but im sooo antisocial. this is my junior yr in school but im a transfer student currently so this is my first semester here. neither of us has really shined in the social department so far. all my friends are at my old school which isnt far at all but i probably wont be seeing them this weekend seeing as i wont have a car. another plus is ill get some much needed studying done, i have a huuuuuge midterm on friday. and i have to do extremely well, im talking 90 percentile people. because i just withdrew from my history course, i know im a failure in life. im really beatin my self up about it.
i guess i like feelin sad an/or angry at myself because it gives me the fuel i need to stay away from food. which is of course the enemy. everytime i get hungry i chant incessantly, "think skinny, think skinny" which surprisingly helps. i keep telling myself that hunger is a state of mind. i look at my thinspiration poster everyday, i even touch the pictures for a minute. i know, creeeeepppyyy but it helps me to stay focused. my new goal weight is 120, i just wanna see if i can do it. at first it was 140, but this will give me 20 lbs. for "weight gain:" in case my bf notices anything. im sure he will and im not sure how ill explain to him how i lost weight so fast. i go to school really far from my parents so the only person i see everyday is him. hes usually with me at all meals, hopefully he wont notice if i dont eat :/ which might happen because i dont keep ANY food in the house. wait im lying, i have 2 boxes of mac n cheese, 2 boxes of rice, 2 cans of soup, and 4 cans of vegetables and LOTS of water. i never cook those things anyway because im too lazy.
I've decided to go on a 4 day fast. and drink only water, maybe tea if i make it to the store before he leaves. ill estart thursday and hopefully, not a morsel of food will past my lips until monday. i think my reward will be half a can of chicken soup. oh, and maybe ill stock up on gum. which im chewing now (orbit, the best!) it get rid of all hunger. im not sure of the calorie count but it cant be too high. \
wish me luck, ummmmm..non existent followers :)
Not eating gives me sucha rush, it makes me feel like i can do anything. i love that feeling, and instead of food i will crave that feeling.
My bf is going to his home town this weekend to visit some friends who are home from school. buuut my 20th birthday is on saturday, so ill be all alone :( and no hes not an asshole. i totally gave him permission i want him to go have fun for once since we only hang out with each other 99.9% of th time. i think hes leaving thursday night and returning sunday evening. im letting him use my car so that means no food runs for me even if im starving. im sooo thrilled about that because when im super weak in the middle of the night i get cravings for cereal, my favs are of course the most fattening, lucky charms and captain crunch.
i wish i had friends sometimes, but im sooo antisocial. this is my junior yr in school but im a transfer student currently so this is my first semester here. neither of us has really shined in the social department so far. all my friends are at my old school which isnt far at all but i probably wont be seeing them this weekend seeing as i wont have a car. another plus is ill get some much needed studying done, i have a huuuuuge midterm on friday. and i have to do extremely well, im talking 90 percentile people. because i just withdrew from my history course, i know im a failure in life. im really beatin my self up about it.
i guess i like feelin sad an/or angry at myself because it gives me the fuel i need to stay away from food. which is of course the enemy. everytime i get hungry i chant incessantly, "think skinny, think skinny" which surprisingly helps. i keep telling myself that hunger is a state of mind. i look at my thinspiration poster everyday, i even touch the pictures for a minute. i know, creeeeepppyyy but it helps me to stay focused. my new goal weight is 120, i just wanna see if i can do it. at first it was 140, but this will give me 20 lbs. for "weight gain:" in case my bf notices anything. im sure he will and im not sure how ill explain to him how i lost weight so fast. i go to school really far from my parents so the only person i see everyday is him. hes usually with me at all meals, hopefully he wont notice if i dont eat :/ which might happen because i dont keep ANY food in the house. wait im lying, i have 2 boxes of mac n cheese, 2 boxes of rice, 2 cans of soup, and 4 cans of vegetables and LOTS of water. i never cook those things anyway because im too lazy.
I've decided to go on a 4 day fast. and drink only water, maybe tea if i make it to the store before he leaves. ill estart thursday and hopefully, not a morsel of food will past my lips until monday. i think my reward will be half a can of chicken soup. oh, and maybe ill stock up on gum. which im chewing now (orbit, the best!) it get rid of all hunger. im not sure of the calorie count but it cant be too high. \
wish me luck, ummmmm..non existent followers :)
Monday, October 4, 2010
Inspiration
I hope you guys, if anyones there lol, dont get spoiled by this 2 a day entry but i just am really pumped about this right now. Anywho ive just finished my inspiration board!!! yay im sooo excited. Maybe ill post a pic later, if i learn how . Anyway I have a section on my wall dedicated to my eating habits. i have lots of fun inspirational quotes, and of course THINSPIRATION! which include pics of ballerinas that i admire, swimsuit models whose body id KILL to have, other role models, and bikinis. This should be good for now but if anything inspires me ill be sure to tack it up there :) I have the biggest midterm (anatomy :/ ) of my life on friday and im here blogging lol its kind of addicitng i see why people do it now. i mean even if nobody reads this i feel encoiuraged just by putting my thoughst into the air..errr keyboard :) I wish all you pro-ana's luck and will power because i know ill need it. I ate scrambled eggs with sausage, eggs, and cheese this morning with a bottle of water. im sooo disgusted with myself, i feel heavy. but ive been good hungerwise up til now. im getting the urge to go on a rampage, i want food and its only 5 oclock (east coast time) idk how ill restrain myself til tomorrrow. I have the worst eating habits on the weekends. i generally have classes back to back on weekdays (both early morning and evening) so im too busy to even think about food or stop to consider eating some.to its actually kinda funny because i absolutely hate food. i hate how its prepared, i question the cleanliness, im scared of improper cleaning. actually thats kinda makin my hunger pains go away. remember, hunger pains are fat leaving the body. well not literally, but soon enough it will. i know you guys may be thinking that because im a biology major i should know better or atleast be hyper aware of the harmful health risks. to answer truthfully i am i think more so than others but i cant help how i think outside of the classroom. i repulse myself. spring break is coming up soon (mid april to be exact) and i wanna surprise my bf by wearing a sexy black 2 piece. I KNOW i can do it , just gotta stay focused! ive been takin all sorts of supplement and other pills. not anything for weight loss or fat bruning. because i honestly dont belive in those. they just convince people that they can lose 30 pounds by just sitting on their ass. FACT: the only way to lose weight is to monitor your intake, regular AND consistent exercise, and burn more calories than you consume. although i know all this it still doesnt make it any easier to drag my fat ass out of bed and go for a run. anyway, i digress, the supplements and other pills i take are to help balance my immune and hormonal systems and eliminate some of the side effects of not eating. I take pills and use oils and drink lots of water to keep my skin stay supple because lack of food and the nutrients it provides can leave your skin dry and cause breakouts. I also take pills to keep my hair thick, and growing, and prevent breakage or other damage such as thinning. because not eating can definetly make your hair thinner and more prone to breakage, trust me i know from experience. i take calcium to keep my bones and nails strong (lol i sound like a nutrionist) . as u can see i take quite alot of things, but i am by no means consistent, i might take it twice a day for a week and then forget for a month. but i just made a promise to myself, everytime i get hungry im going to blog. its already working.
good luck ladies, stay strong! :)
good luck ladies, stay strong! :)
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