dust yourself off and try again!

Sooooo. of course i get something at the drive through. and im .8 pounds heavier in ONE hour. honestly i think my scale is out to get me. ive never done anything wrong. except i swear at it at least twice a day. maybe it has low self esteem and in turn has decided to punish me for its lack of accuracy. how ruuuuude.

How can i joke during a time like this? because im happy. soooo Happy. i think the thinspo all over my walls and phone is finally working. because while i was eating last night i was literally forcing myself to eat. taking deep looong breaths between each bite. i didnt want it. i was full. and it was making me feel disgusting. i never wanna eat again. i finally feel like this can happen for me. im that much closer. just a word of advice, not that im qualified to give any, but still. whenever i feel like omggg this is taking forever or feel hungry i just think how happy ill feel when i look at the scale and it says ive dropped a pound. or more.

i know, you may be thinking..DUH!!! but i think a lot of us forget that. we try sooo hard to stay away from from. we keep saying. "no food, no food!" but once were up close and personal with it, we cave. we forget what made us start this anyway. we forget how beautiful we want to feel. and im not just talking about glancin at some thinspo. i mean reallly remembering what triggered this in the first place. being the shallow person that i am, it was clothes. but then it was the control. i can CONTROL what goes in my mouth. when. and why. not anyone else. i cant control who loves me. who hates me. why my teacher gave me a bad mark. but i can control what i eat. its really a beautiful thing. i love that in this little thing i have all the power in the world. its enticing, and dangerous. they're both intertwined. its like dancing with the devil. it may start off as a guilty pleasure. fun. light. exciting. then suddenly it changes. it isnt just a pound. its 10 more. then 10 more. then just a few more inches here. ive been there. ive been to that scary place where you cant even recognize yourself. where youre crying on the kitchen floor because you cant force yourself to eat. its not fun.

pause. let me slow my roll. i did not mean to get preachy. i just see so many people saying they wish they could be anorexic. but they have no idea. i hope i can get through to somebody. but for those of us already waltzing. fight on!

I have another follower. this makes me excited to come and write and have something good to report. who knew people i never met could encourage me so much. i appreciate that.

Good LUCK ! :)