Day 2

im having strong cravings today. cereal and chocolate chip cookies. i know if i can just hold out, tomorrow will be easier. i need to clear my head and everything will be fine. my problems usually arise because i think way too much. and trust me, that is a problem. i can be really over analytical about certain things.

i need to get to the place i was during my last fast. not to toot my own horn, but i did incredible. i didnt have cravings and i felt so strong. where did that girl go, i miss her :(

P.S. today has to be the greatest thinspo day everrr. The Victoria Secret Fashion Show is on right now!! if that doesnt make you stop eating, nothing will :)

i now have another fasting partner, bony bunny. im so excited!!
&& 41 followers, that is freaking amazingg :)
be strong and safe ladies!

Day 1 . 4 steps back

i feel like my first 10 day liquid fast was great. i really thought it would train my stomach to want less. but with the stupid holidays i feel like ive taken 4 steps back.

today marks day 1 of my fast and im freaking starving. im at work and the food court is calling my name. i need to be strong. for me the first few days are the hardest. its pretty much down here from there.

as much as i would like to cheat i wont because i have a fasting partner for the first time ever! Teaspoon. she has decided to join me on my journey to skinny :)

so, ill write again tomorrow, hopefully with good news.

remember, i love all 36 of you!
keep up the will power ladies

Money tree .

im in a financial crisis. i hate being a college student its horrible on my wallet. i managed to save up $500 and i spent half of it in less than 48 hrs. idk how i even did that. too much shopping and fast food, thats how. oh and i brought my bf call of duty. he was so excited when i gave it to him, it was so cute. but i have a ridiculous credit card bill to pay off and a CNA course that i want to take next summer. which combined is $1600. thats alot of freakin money. i miss being 16 and not having to worry about anything. ive been working since i was 14 but i never really had to. i just loved the indepence. and i have a bad habit with spending. i told myself this time would be different. that i would save every penny so that i wouldnt have to work next semester. a full time job and a third year biology major do not mix well. i mean, up till now ive been doing really well. but VS had a sale and i went into a shopping frenzy. smh at myself.

random. i have like 4 mosquito bites on my legs and i want to peel my skin off, they are so irritating.

and im going back on ny 10 day fast a little sooner than planned. i am disgustes with the amount of food ive consumed this past week and a half. so i need to cleanse my body. i need to be light and empty again. it makes me feel so good. oddly, i havent gained any weight but none the less, i feel soo gross.

have so much to do in so little tine.i have an anatomy test on tuesday tht i havent even begun to study for. ive been so overwhelmed lately. i dont have enough hours in a day to do everything. this job is really time consuming. ive been making to do lists but i never complete them.

as i write this on my phone im sitting in the fitting room at work. i get off i 20 min then off to pull an all nighter. hope i can stay focused, my GPA is riding on this grade :(

over worked and under paid.

remember i love all 34 of you ! :)
be productive ladies.

dark cloud.

but as always im still looking for that silver lining.

which was easier to find after i went SHOPPING! ♥

i got thee absolute cutest pair of brown and black plain leather boots. with it starting to finally look like winter (w. thee exception of today, 74 degrees) i needed some boots that could stand the weather. i own mostly uggs and the rest are made of some freakish material that cant get wet. soooo, it was the perfect excuse to shop! which i shouldnt because i should be saving for spring break. i want to be on somebodies beach. sunbathing. and drinking til my hearts content. and then a little more.

i have an obsession with spending $$$ its so...addictive. i love lovee love shoes. i have a ridiculous amount. and yet, i can never find the right pair to wear.  i also stopped by one of my favorite stores today, Forever XXI. and got a nice little outfit for Thanksgiving. seeing as this will be my first holiday spent with thee boyfriend and his family. im nervous. but i definitely want to look good. im going for dressy casual. a black mini skirt (not too short ), an off the shoulder black and shimmery gold top, and my new black boots. and im going to curl my hair. and top it off with gold accessories i also might add leggings so i dont look like a tramp. ohh and of course i need some good luck. so im painting my nails pink & white. even though it has nothing to do with my color scheme. maybe ill do a neutral color.

it is currently 7pm. i am waiting on my clothes to be free of the dryer. then i have to wash my hair and style it for thursday. and tomorrow i have a full schedule. i have a 8 am class, work 9-6, then straight off to the bf's house. ill be exhausted when i get there. and hopefully too tired to eat.

i wanted to binge sooo badly about 5 minutes ago. i had a subway sandwich earlier. which im sure had a zillion calories. but ive decided to fast until turkey day. i know its only like 28 hrs. but hey, ill take restriction when i can get it. hopefully itll inspire me not to stuff my face with ham and pies.

only a teensy bit of bad news today, i cut. again. dammit! i didnt want to. im lying again. i did. but i held off for a long time. but right before i dashed off to class. i just started carving away. i feel much better now. hopefully by staying busy i wont feel depressed or hungry anytime soon.
my roommate is the thinnest woman on earth. shes probably 5'1 and her collar bones are to die for. she a marvel. and eats like 2 grown men. typical. i envy her genes! shell be my thinspo for now.

And if she doesnt work Minak Kelly definitely will.

Remember,
 i love all 31 of you!
Stay strong Dolls ♥

flatline .

i think this is my shortest post to date.

Since my fast ended, i havent exactly been doing superb. ive sort of flatlined. i havent gained or loss im just teetering in the middle. on the plus side of things i have been going to the gym, but i had to miss three days in a row because of my work schedule which was sucky. i reaaly want to find the courage to fast but ive been craving thanksgiving food. but as soon as its over im gunna restrict, fast, and workout out like crazy until new years. by new years i want to be 20 pounds lighter .

atleast Desperate Housewives is on tonight. :)

bipolar

maybe..i am.
less than an hour ago i was near suicidal. but now i feel hopeful. i guess the optimist in me couldnt see me suffer. there are 3 things that always make me feel better. doing my nails. doing my hair. and playing in make up. im going to blast some music. turn on desperate housewives and gossip girl. do my hair until my hearts content. and paint my nails 2 of my fav. colors. lime green & pink. then hit the gym :)

lesson numero uno.
"Life may get you down, but never let it keep you down."

Disappearing Act, Day Nine ♥

sorry ive been MIA ladies, ive just been really busy. ive had birthdays to shop for, lab practicals to study for, a room to clean, dishes to do, hair to not do (unfortunately), a boyfriend to entertain, the gym, and lets not forget work. oh joy.

im exhausted, ive just came from my lab practical. and i did horrendous. i feel soo ashamed. i studied...sort of. this is my Anatomy class. i have to do well. ughhh! this makes this whole semester useless. all my hard work up til now and i screw up. im soo upset. im sure its because ive been working so much. but my rational is, im only seasonal. so i might as well make as much money as i can. i feel so defeated.

216 hours. i havent eaten anything. and i stopped drinking my lovely lemonade. i finally stopped being cheap and got a case of water. i feel ok. my body doesnt feel deprived but i feel much thinner :) ive lost 9 pounds. its actually making me nervous. i hope its not water weight and it just piles back on in a week. im scared to eat. the mind set i have now is so steadfast. im scared if i put even one morsel of food in my mouth, i wont be able to stop. i have been going to the gym every day since my last post. and burning 500-1000 calories each time. ive been lifting weight and doing jumping exercises to get me ready for when i decide to start ballet/cheer again. i have a love/hate relationship w. dance. i loove it so much. how it makes me feel. graceful and elegant. but at the same time i never feel good enough. like if i lost 10 more pounds i could jump higher. spin faster.

my roommates ordered pizza last night. it was awful. the smell made me nauseous. ive spent half of the little money i have saved so far. and ill probably spend my next check. i want to get my hair done for the holidays.
since im going to my bf's, i want to look my absolute best.

im so confused right now. im quite sad that the fast ends tomorrow. i fill like i lack purpose. these last 10 days have been a blessing in disguise. its the first time in a long time i havent felt worthless. like i deserve something better than....right now. one day, my body will be perfect. and so will my life. heres to wishful thinking. but as for today i will wallow in misery because of my anatomy class. i hope i dont cut. i think ill go spend 2 hrs at the gym. minimum. might as well hurt myself nad be productive at the same time, right? ive decided i might extend my fast till thanksgiving with the exception of eating 1 Nature Valley granola bar per day (each pack has 2 bars, which would give me 190 cals per day). as a punishment. i dont deserve to eat. i make a vow to not eat til im happy. im so disappointed in myself. im scared to tell my parents and bf. mostly him, hes been calling since 10 am.i cant bear to face him  yet. he'll be disappointed anhd supportive. he'll tell me he loves me and itll be ok. and ill pretend hes right and smile. while inside i feel like dying. i know most of you might say. you need to rest, eat a little something. but i cant. i dont feel worthy of anything. i want to sit alone in this dark room til class tomorrow morning at 8. then i have work from 1-10. then i work friday. and im off the entire weekend. ill study (if i even bother to salvage whats left of my already mediocre grade.). and ill go to the gym. ill use the stair master until my feet fall off.

i feel pessimistic. which is definitely new for me.i always see the silver lining. i am usually always upbeat. and when im not. i fake it. well, i dont feel like faking right now. i dont want  to pretend. i want to be allowed to feel miserable. for once. i cant even fully rejoice in this milestone. i dont feel victorious. i feel like. ok i did 10 days. big whoop. but can i do 10 more?

i still love all 29 of you! ♥
hope you guys are feeling better than me :)

Signed, Sad Sara

Mixed Emotions, Day Five ♥

120 hours. thats how long ive gone without eating. i feel ...strange.

I mean im ecstatic that ive been able to withhold this long but still. my boyfriend picked me up from work tonight and offered me taco bell. i wanted some sooo bad, but i said no. Its weird i can go pretty long without eating during the day, i start to get hungry about 8 or 9 p.m. but the hunger pains arent bad. my stomach hasnt even growled. at least not loudly. i just feel it rumbling, anxiously. i cant tell if im not eating because im not hungry or because of the fast. im glad i work evenings because it ensures that i wont eat. but im getting switched to morning shifts (which would be much easier) but hopefully it doesnt slow down my progress.

my feet hurt so bad. its agony. ive been on them non stop for 10 hrs. my heels are burning. the only good part is that im burning calories, hopefully.

i was craving food soooo bad earlier. pizza, taco bell, subway, anything really. but im not gunna cave. only 5 more days. if i quit it'll make these last five days of starvation worthless.

i did a weigh in about 20 min ago. and i thought i would have atleast lost another pound or two. but, no. im .2 pounds lighter than i was yesterday. hmph! stupid scale >___<

have a lovely foodless day, i love all 27 of you!♥

i hate my job, Day 4 ♥

typical. i beg and pray for a job then i finally get one. and i hate it. i abso-freakin-lutely HATE it. the one positive is that it makes me want to do even better in school so i dont have to work in retail for the next 50  yrs.

Im listening to She & Him. both of their albums are on shuffle. love them. they make me feel so peaceful and like im in the 20's lol. its like beach boys meets ....ummm something else amazing :)


Today is day 4. i ate NOTHING! I am completely empty and my weight loss is improving everyydayyy. Ive lost the 5 pounds that i regained, already (in only 4 days!!). so technically im back at square one (so im still   -8 from the original weigh in.) but im happy, nonetheless. because had i not been fasting id probably would have gained all 8 pounds back. which im sure would have pushed me over the edge. i'd have been a cutting maniac. but, i digress, back to positivity.

I just realized that i type so sporadically. and i lack organization. my posts are very random and every paragraph (well, my version of it) is something different. but hey, thats me. anywhoooooo....

I almsot gave into a nasty craving pepperoni lover w. stuffed crust pizza. me and my bf were gunna go down the street and pick one up. but i said no. i thought really hard. and although i realllllly wanted it. i dont want the fat, calories, or artery clogging grease. ewwwww.

I mean i practically float when i walk im soooo happy. i havent eaten in four days. i have never done this. ever. only 6 more! i wonder when its gunna get unbearable. i mean so far its been fairly easy except for the minor stomach growl. im doing ok. hopefully my body is sucking up all my fat.

I have been fantasizing all day about how much weight i could lose this month. and ive been working on my workout plan for the next 10 days. ill be visiting the gym every single day. and twice a day atleast 5 days a week. ill be doing, stair master, leg press, and some light lifting to tone my flabby arms. im beyond excited.
it may sound like im putting too much pressure on myself. but thats exactly what i need :). i like the 10 day challenge. its so invigorating. you guys seriously have to try it. theres nothing like it :) i realized my weakness is saying "Im not going to eat anything but carrots for the next month." only a greek god can do that. im too weak to put food off or even stay focused for a long period of time like that . i think i have ADD. but in little spurts i can exercise some serious self control :)

good luck my beautiful ladies. remember perseverance is the key to success. i loooove all 26 of you! ♥

thinspo, Day 3 ♥

Day 3 -I know its 1:09 am and technically day 4 but this is regarding nov.11. so thee official day 4 will be posted around 10:30 tonight.) im almost positive no one's following my liquid fast lol. but just in case. i didnt want any confusion.


and im still hanging in there. i caved today :( i ate about 10-15 baby carrots dipped in ranch and a grande caramel mochiato. about 200-300 cals. ill take that :)

just for a heads up (again, just in case some one gives a darn.)
On Nov.18th i will be starting a 10 day hardcore challenge.
     -mainly fousing on hardcore exercising
     -and  major calorie restriciting ( but not a fast. prob under idk, about 500 cals)

i would do the exercising now but without food id be dead by saturday lol. so, ill eat cuz i need energy to get my ass up and work out. this is going to be my new routine every month. 10 days of liquid-fast challenge then the 10 day hardcore challenge. life threatening, maybe. effective, yes. wish me luck my pretties.


Heres a bit of thinspo, since ive never posted before. I want to be beautiful like these women. i want to be timeless. i want to be classic and stunning. i cant wait to walk in the room and be the thinnest girl there. stay focused you guys. im going to try to amp it up..alot. and as always Starve On! 

Of course, i had to put some up of Audrey Hepburn. i absolutely love her, still in the process of watching all of her films. She is so stunning. her waist line is invisible. gorg <3

These next pictures are of random beautiful girls, and a few of Audrina :)

Hmmm..lets seee how about some Gossip Girl (blake lively ) id killll for Blakes legs!!

And now for a dose of normalcy, atleast our version of it:

love nylon so that makes this one double awesome!

 I wish i did have a zipper. it would make my life sooo much easier.

I freaking love Mary K.

this one is my fav :)

This is Brianna foster, im 85% sure shes not a porn star...i think:

Hope you all are thoroughly inspired, I am.

Remember, I love all 25 of you ! ♥ 

sizzle;; pop . day 2

thats the noise in my stomach. and i looove it. its like little pieces of nasty grotesque fat burning and dying. lol sorry to sound so morbid. i have not consumed ANYTHING today besides one cup of starbucks (239).
i feel sooo strong. im so happy. only 8 more days! anyone want to join, the more the merrier. besides i hear its always easier to "diet" when you have someone else depending on you.

oh, and btw i cant remember if ive said this or not. but if you guys ever need an email buddy or anything like that let me know. marsh.sara@rocketmail.com :)

its crazy how obsessed ive become. all i do is pinch my fat all day. is that weird? like, seriously. im walkn around work with my hand under my tshirt squeezin my back fat. it disgust me how round i am. i am a fucking circle. ughhhh! i cant wait to be light and carefree. i want to be skinny so fucking bad, i cant hardly bare it anymore.

confession time. i havent been working out lately. welll, more like forever. last week for two nights in a row i did crunches, bicycles, and ab rolls. then that was it. i was content enough to wallow in my fatness.

my life=fat.

but that will soon change my dears. by monday, 11.15 i want to have dropped 4 more pounds. at least 3. am i asking for too much, maybe. will i give up, NO!

stay strong. clearly being strong isnt a strong suit of mine. so until ive proven worthy of the word strong. ill say, try to keep from being weak pretties :)

wintergirls.

its 6:12 am and i just finished it. it was breath taking. it made me take a look at my demons. the things that drive me to do the things that i do. truth. im scared.

im scared because i cant control everything. im scared because grandma died of breast cancer when i was in seventh grade. im scared because i was molested as a child. im scared because my mom had cancerous tumors when i was in 10th grade. im scared because she was diabetic. im scared because i want her to stay healthy. im scared because i want my mom to live forever. i cant picture my life without her. im scared because my dad is in debt and i think hes struggling. im scared because my aunt is lonely and also in debt. im scared because my sister is overweight. and i used to make fun of her for it. im scared because my bf doesnt always do exactly what i say.im scared because i might not graduate on time. im scared because i might not have a 4.0. im scared because i dont know what the future holds. im scared of a lot of things. im scared because i feel alone. im so scared i never realized it. im scared of my feelings. im scared of feeling anything. my biggest fear is being alone. being without my family. i miss my grandma everyday. i love her so much. i hope she knew that. im scared because i repeatedly make bad decisions. im scared because i lie so much to hide who i really am that im forgetting myself. im scared my bf wont know how to handle me and all my problems. i hate making him worry. im so scared of living and what it has to offer. but im too scared to die. if that makes any sense at all. im glad i read that book. and i hate that i read that stupid fictional book. i dont want to know these things. i dont want to acknowledge the,. i want to lock them up in a place where im strong. i know exactly whats gunna happen. and when. i want everyone to be happy. i want world peace. i dont want. hate or violence. i want everyone to love and be loved. i want us to support each other. i want there to be a classless judgment free society.

this is me. flaws and all.

back on the wagon . day 1

ive been listening to teenage dream for what feels like weeks now, i love it. and i cant seem to turn it off. its like the soundtrack to my life. it keeps going on and on and on.

sunday was bad. sunday felt horrible. sunday made me cry. sunday i cut my self, again. sunday i couldnt take it anymore. the loudness in my head. the bitch in my head that makes me pick fights with my bf. the thing that makes me controlling and at times unbearable. i love my bf, i do, i swear. i wish he understood why i need to control things. i need to. if not, i can control what id do. i feel really...bad.

i hate cutting myself. im lying. i love it. its addictng its the best feeling ive ever felt. it makes me happy and relived. everything is warm and fuzzy again. i can go long periods of time without doing it. then suddenly something petty and stupid pushes me over the edge. its like an out of body experience. (katy perry has been silenced for the first time in ...ages. guess my subconscious is taking this serious, go figure.) im watching myself. im telling myself to stop. i see me rummaging through the bottom drawer in my desk to find a hammer. next is my underwear drawer. way in the back. wayyyy, wayyyyy in the back. i get my shaving razors. i put my razor on the desk, no, wait, too much noise. i put my razor on the floor and beat it till the blade comes off. im sitting on the bed now. cutting myself. encouraging myself. loving it. enjoying the burning and tingling. watching the blood spurt from my flesh. its amazing. im not satisfied. i cut deeper. longer. harder. i want to see some results here people. and just like that im done. happy again. refreshed and ready for whatever. i call my bf apologize and everything is perfect. until the next time.

ive been rubbing the scars all day. they're kind of like trophies, that im ashamed of. (if thats not the biggest contradiction.)

im back on track. my weight is not where it should be.im still minus 8 pounds. but  i should be 8 more pounds less. but as you know, i failed. so i start again. no time like the present.

Today marks the first of my 10 day liquid fast. Nothing but liquids is passing these lips. my poison of choice is rasberry lemonade. i know, water is better. but i havent made a store run and i dont want to spend money. my bf said hed buy me some. but now im on his schedule. so, i wait. whilst drinking my rasberry lemonade.
i really think i can do it. all i crave when im not eating is flavor. something water cant provide, no matter how cold it is.

i am reading winter girls online. i really like it so far. Desperate Housewives was good. and i missed GG because of work. but i will be watching it tomorrow...errr tonight. it is 1:20 am and i should be studying or sleeping. why am i doing neither? ugh i piss myself off sometimes.

Great News! i now have 24 followers. every single one of you are amazing. and i love all of your blogs.
stay strong and CONSISTENT! lots of love :)

the diary of a ranting slacker.

it feels like i havent posted in foreverrrr. i wanted a job so bad, now all i do is work. im full time so i work 40 hrs a week which is hard because im a full time student also. but i keep tellin myself only 2 more months (seasonal) then i can afford to get my cna license and get a real job.

i have thee worst news ever. im procrastinating. i am thinking of anything else to say instead of what i have to/ oh, i am finally caught up with allll the gossip girls episodes. i loooove that show, it brings excitement to my life. i live vicariously through blair and serena.  soon, maybe tomorrow, i will be posting thinspo mainly blake lively. shes fucking awesome. (im not the biggest fan of S, but thats an entirely different story) her body is amazingg, shes my muse. shes tall, beautiful, and soo thin! i practically drool watching GG. i want her legs!!

but on to the sordid details of these past two weeks. i have regained 4 pounds. there is no word disgusting enough to describe how i feel about myself. im so ashamed i feel like a failure. why must food control my life? why is this happening to me. i feel like shit. i dont want to live the rest of my life like this. feeling self-conscious about every little thing. every time i walk in a room i suck in my stomach. i barely eat in front of people. but when im alone im like a human vacuum. i literally just have no control. my thought process is so fucked up. i buy high cal foods. like donuts, cupcakes, french fries. and i literally inhale them. i dont even taste them. id have no hope for thinness. if there werent so many beautiful thin girls in the world (i.e. blake lively). that gives me hope that not all of us are fat fucks. this is my first rant. i usually try to stay up beat and positive. i love to be optimistic and hopeful. this is my first time letting this negativity in or should i say out? ...any way i hide my feelings and thoughts from others so much that i subconsciously hide them from myself also. idk how i manage to do that. its crazy, im crazy.

my boyfriend keeps making me food and buying food. i wont even begin to tell you what ive managed to consume in the last 2 weeks for fear of being exiled. its that bad, trust me. i have the habit of  blaming my eating habits on him instead of me. although he does offer food...a lot. he tries to be romantic and make me breakfast in bed. and last night he said he wanted to make me dinner, anything i wanted. so he went out and bout $100 worth of food and made all of it. there was rice. crab. shrimp. steak. soooo much meat. luckily for me im a turkey fan so he ate most of it. i dont like steak, pork chops, and beef. but i do like bacon, which i have to stay away from.

idk when or why i started slacking. i was doing so well that i think i started taking my weight loss for granted. forgetting how easy it was to gain back. but ill  take this as a lesson learned. im going to get up, dust myself off, and start again. its simply mind over matter. or mind over stomach. i am going to do this. i will have Blake's legs, tummy, and hips, pretty much everything.

wish me luck my beautiful angels :)