Disappearing Act, Day Nine ♥

sorry ive been MIA ladies, ive just been really busy. ive had birthdays to shop for, lab practicals to study for, a room to clean, dishes to do, hair to not do (unfortunately), a boyfriend to entertain, the gym, and lets not forget work. oh joy.

im exhausted, ive just came from my lab practical. and i did horrendous. i feel soo ashamed. i studied...sort of. this is my Anatomy class. i have to do well. ughhh! this makes this whole semester useless. all my hard work up til now and i screw up. im soo upset. im sure its because ive been working so much. but my rational is, im only seasonal. so i might as well make as much money as i can. i feel so defeated.

216 hours. i havent eaten anything. and i stopped drinking my lovely lemonade. i finally stopped being cheap and got a case of water. i feel ok. my body doesnt feel deprived but i feel much thinner :) ive lost 9 pounds. its actually making me nervous. i hope its not water weight and it just piles back on in a week. im scared to eat. the mind set i have now is so steadfast. im scared if i put even one morsel of food in my mouth, i wont be able to stop. i have been going to the gym every day since my last post. and burning 500-1000 calories each time. ive been lifting weight and doing jumping exercises to get me ready for when i decide to start ballet/cheer again. i have a love/hate relationship w. dance. i loove it so much. how it makes me feel. graceful and elegant. but at the same time i never feel good enough. like if i lost 10 more pounds i could jump higher. spin faster.

my roommates ordered pizza last night. it was awful. the smell made me nauseous. ive spent half of the little money i have saved so far. and ill probably spend my next check. i want to get my hair done for the holidays.
since im going to my bf's, i want to look my absolute best.

im so confused right now. im quite sad that the fast ends tomorrow. i fill like i lack purpose. these last 10 days have been a blessing in disguise. its the first time in a long time i havent felt worthless. like i deserve something better than....right now. one day, my body will be perfect. and so will my life. heres to wishful thinking. but as for today i will wallow in misery because of my anatomy class. i hope i dont cut. i think ill go spend 2 hrs at the gym. minimum. might as well hurt myself nad be productive at the same time, right? ive decided i might extend my fast till thanksgiving with the exception of eating 1 Nature Valley granola bar per day (each pack has 2 bars, which would give me 190 cals per day). as a punishment. i dont deserve to eat. i make a vow to not eat til im happy. im so disappointed in myself. im scared to tell my parents and bf. mostly him, hes been calling since 10 am.i cant bear to face him  yet. he'll be disappointed anhd supportive. he'll tell me he loves me and itll be ok. and ill pretend hes right and smile. while inside i feel like dying. i know most of you might say. you need to rest, eat a little something. but i cant. i dont feel worthy of anything. i want to sit alone in this dark room til class tomorrow morning at 8. then i have work from 1-10. then i work friday. and im off the entire weekend. ill study (if i even bother to salvage whats left of my already mediocre grade.). and ill go to the gym. ill use the stair master until my feet fall off.

i feel pessimistic. which is definitely new for me.i always see the silver lining. i am usually always upbeat. and when im not. i fake it. well, i dont feel like faking right now. i dont want  to pretend. i want to be allowed to feel miserable. for once. i cant even fully rejoice in this milestone. i dont feel victorious. i feel like. ok i did 10 days. big whoop. but can i do 10 more?

i still love all 29 of you! ♥
hope you guys are feeling better than me :)

Signed, Sad Sara