ohh, you're givin me a rush!

So, yesterday went pretty well last night my bf surprised me with a meal from wendys and was encouraging me to eat! He knows about my diet, to a certain extent. So, i ate just the sandwhich then i felt like shit afterwards even tho it was the only thing i ate all day :) . i kinda feel like shit now.today ive had 1 reeses cup, a bite of his cheeseburger, 2 sips of lemonade, and a kit kat. ughhh im pretty sure thats still like a zillion calories. I should do pretty great this weekend though, seeing as ill be alll alone, which is both good and bad.

Not eating gives me sucha rush, it makes me feel like i can do anything. i love that feeling, and instead of food i will crave that feeling.

My bf is going to his home town this weekend to visit some friends who are home from school. buuut my 20th birthday is on saturday, so ill be all alone :( and no hes not an asshole. i totally gave him permission i want him to go have fun for once since we only hang out with each other 99.9% of th time. i think hes leaving thursday night and returning sunday evening. im letting him use my car so that means no food runs for me even if im starving. im sooo thrilled about that because when im super weak in the middle of the night i get cravings for cereal, my favs are of course the most fattening, lucky charms and captain crunch.

i wish i had friends sometimes, but im sooo antisocial. this is my junior yr in school but im a transfer student currently so this is my first semester here. neither of us has really shined in the social department so far. all my friends are at my old school which isnt far at all but i probably wont be seeing them this weekend seeing as i wont have a car. another plus is ill get some much needed studying done, i have a huuuuuge midterm on friday. and i have to do extremely well, im talking 90 percentile people. because i just withdrew from my history course, i know im a failure in life. im really beatin my self up about it.

i guess i like feelin sad an/or angry at myself because it gives me the fuel i need to stay away from food. which is of course the enemy. everytime i get hungry i chant incessantly, "think skinny, think skinny" which surprisingly helps. i keep telling myself that hunger is a state of mind. i look at my thinspiration poster everyday, i even touch the pictures for a minute. i know, creeeeepppyyy  but it helps me to stay focused. my new goal weight is 120, i just wanna see if i can do it. at first it was 140, but this will give me 20 lbs. for "weight gain:" in case my bf notices anything. im sure he will and im not sure how ill explain to him how i lost weight so fast. i go to school really far from my parents so the only person i see everyday is him. hes usually with me at all meals, hopefully he wont notice if i dont eat :/ which might happen because i dont keep ANY food in the house. wait im lying, i have 2 boxes of mac n cheese, 2 boxes of rice, 2 cans of soup, and 4 cans of vegetables and LOTS of water. i never cook those things anyway because im too lazy.

I've decided to go on a 4 day fast. and drink only water, maybe tea if i make it to the store before he leaves. ill estart thursday and hopefully, not a morsel of food will past my lips until monday. i think my reward will be half a can of chicken soup. oh, and maybe ill stock up on gum. which im chewing now (orbit, the best!) it get rid of all hunger. im not sure of the calorie count but it cant be too high. \

wish me luck, ummmmm..non existent followers :)