ive been listening to teenage dream for what feels like weeks now, i love it. and i cant seem to turn it off. its like the soundtrack to my life. it keeps going on and on and on.
sunday was bad. sunday felt horrible. sunday made me cry. sunday i cut my self, again. sunday i couldnt take it anymore. the loudness in my head. the bitch in my head that makes me pick fights with my bf. the thing that makes me controlling and at times unbearable. i love my bf, i do, i swear. i wish he understood why i need to control things. i need to. if not, i can control what id do. i feel really...bad.
i hate cutting myself. im lying. i love it. its addictng its the best feeling ive ever felt. it makes me happy and relived. everything is warm and fuzzy again. i can go long periods of time without doing it. then suddenly something petty and stupid pushes me over the edge. its like an out of body experience. (katy perry has been silenced for the first time in ...ages. guess my subconscious is taking this serious, go figure.) im watching myself. im telling myself to stop. i see me rummaging through the bottom drawer in my desk to find a hammer. next is my underwear drawer. way in the back. wayyyy, wayyyyy in the back. i get my shaving razors. i put my razor on the desk, no, wait, too much noise. i put my razor on the floor and beat it till the blade comes off. im sitting on the bed now. cutting myself. encouraging myself. loving it. enjoying the burning and tingling. watching the blood spurt from my flesh. its amazing. im not satisfied. i cut deeper. longer. harder. i want to see some results here people. and just like that im done. happy again. refreshed and ready for whatever. i call my bf apologize and everything is perfect. until the next time.
ive been rubbing the scars all day. they're kind of like trophies, that im ashamed of. (if thats not the biggest contradiction.)
im back on track. my weight is not where it should be.im still minus 8 pounds. but i should be 8 more pounds less. but as you know, i failed. so i start again. no time like the present.
Today marks the first of my 10 day liquid fast. Nothing but liquids is passing these lips. my poison of choice is rasberry lemonade. i know, water is better. but i havent made a store run and i dont want to spend money. my bf said hed buy me some. but now im on his schedule. so, i wait. whilst drinking my rasberry lemonade.
i really think i can do it. all i crave when im not eating is flavor. something water cant provide, no matter how cold it is.
i am reading winter girls online. i really like it so far. Desperate Housewives was good. and i missed GG because of work. but i will be watching it tomorrow...errr tonight. it is 1:20 am and i should be studying or sleeping. why am i doing neither? ugh i piss myself off sometimes.
Great News! i now have 24 followers. every single one of you are amazing. and i love all of your blogs.
stay strong and CONSISTENT! lots of love :)
Self Control is the only thing standing in the way of who you are and who you deserve to be.
I know how you feel hun I used to cut and it was just such a relief, the adrenalin... hope you're ok hun <3 xxx
ReplyDeletehow did you stop?
ReplyDeletego di kow about the cutting i have tried to stop never acutally works though my scars are bad too and i rub them just like u
ReplyDeleteim sorry that ur strgguling with it but i understand what u mean
love witnergirls
and good luck on ur fast
stay strong