weight: 172 lbs
i lost 2 pounds in 1 day.
fuckkkk yesssssss!!!! :)
Self Control is the only thing standing in the way of who you are and who you deserve to be.
Monday, January 31, 2011
buddy search and good news :)
hi beautiful ladies and gents.
yesterday was soooo good and today is even better.
yesterday's intake: two low fat strawberry yogurts =340 cals.
buuuut i didnt go to the gym. so technically i wont lose a significant amount. ill just maintain.
today's intake: ZERO ! and its 4:30 p.m.
once again i didnt go to the gym this morning seeing as i was up till 4:30 cutting my roommates hair, doing my hair, and then we chatted for like 2 hrs. i love her shes seriously th best. and shes soooo thin. shes only 5'1 and 90 lbs. so shes so petite and fragile. id kill to have her waist and thigh gap. but that is a discussion for another time. im going to go to the gym after gossip girl goes off and burn at least 1,000 cals.
my current weight: 174.4. (fully clothed)
thats a 5.5 lb weight lost in 4 days!!!
seeing as its Day 4 of my super low cal diet. and Day 1 of my intense six week program. im really excited to be seeing results so soon. for the next six days i will continue the low cal diet. staying under 500. and from then on out ill start my high protein diet.
a few of the things im picking up are:
blueberries
hummus ( i hope its good )
bagles
lots and lots of eggs
possibly a protein mix
cherry tomatoes
lettuce
skinless chicken breast
and another lean meat
im going to eat lettuce wraps and spinach salads. and snack on fruits and veggies in between. im also thinking about having a protein shake once a day. im really trying to tone and build muscle and have well defined abs.
since my stomach is so flabby, im going to concentrate on cardio before i start toning my abs, but ill continue toning my arms. im really starting to see some results there. i can wait to have then strong arms.
my workout consists of:
squats
push ups
planks
this super strenuous ab work out
air alert III (mostly for male basketball players to help them get a higher vertical leap, but i want to increase my jumps for cheer so im going to give it a try. my bf has done it in high school and hes doing it now. he thinks im soo weird for wanting to do it lol)
but on to the reason i was posting in the first place. id love to have a few buddies. just some encouraging words and a non judgemental person to talk to when you're feelin weak. we can keep each other motivated and focused. hopefully itll be harder to quit when you know you have someone depending on you. we can either text or email. whichever you're more comfortable with. ive had one buddy in the past, an old friend from high school. we would text each other through the day. wed send each other thinspo or things that were trying to achieve. like, "remember, only __ calories today so you can get that thigh gap." you get the idea. anyway, i think it'd be neat. let me know if you're interested.
im sooo motivated guys. im going to succeed. besides, whats Six weeks of a little hard work for a lifetime of skinny :)
yesterday was soooo good and today is even better.
yesterday's intake: two low fat strawberry yogurts =340 cals.
buuuut i didnt go to the gym. so technically i wont lose a significant amount. ill just maintain.
today's intake: ZERO ! and its 4:30 p.m.
once again i didnt go to the gym this morning seeing as i was up till 4:30 cutting my roommates hair, doing my hair, and then we chatted for like 2 hrs. i love her shes seriously th best. and shes soooo thin. shes only 5'1 and 90 lbs. so shes so petite and fragile. id kill to have her waist and thigh gap. but that is a discussion for another time. im going to go to the gym after gossip girl goes off and burn at least 1,000 cals.
my current weight: 174.4. (fully clothed)
thats a 5.5 lb weight lost in 4 days!!!
seeing as its Day 4 of my super low cal diet. and Day 1 of my intense six week program. im really excited to be seeing results so soon. for the next six days i will continue the low cal diet. staying under 500. and from then on out ill start my high protein diet.
a few of the things im picking up are:
blueberries
hummus ( i hope its good )
bagles
lots and lots of eggs
possibly a protein mix
cherry tomatoes
lettuce
skinless chicken breast
and another lean meat
im going to eat lettuce wraps and spinach salads. and snack on fruits and veggies in between. im also thinking about having a protein shake once a day. im really trying to tone and build muscle and have well defined abs.
since my stomach is so flabby, im going to concentrate on cardio before i start toning my abs, but ill continue toning my arms. im really starting to see some results there. i can wait to have then strong arms.
my workout consists of:
squats
push ups
planks
this super strenuous ab work out
air alert III (mostly for male basketball players to help them get a higher vertical leap, but i want to increase my jumps for cheer so im going to give it a try. my bf has done it in high school and hes doing it now. he thinks im soo weird for wanting to do it lol)
but on to the reason i was posting in the first place. id love to have a few buddies. just some encouraging words and a non judgemental person to talk to when you're feelin weak. we can keep each other motivated and focused. hopefully itll be harder to quit when you know you have someone depending on you. we can either text or email. whichever you're more comfortable with. ive had one buddy in the past, an old friend from high school. we would text each other through the day. wed send each other thinspo or things that were trying to achieve. like, "remember, only __ calories today so you can get that thigh gap." you get the idea. anyway, i think it'd be neat. let me know if you're interested.
im sooo motivated guys. im going to succeed. besides, whats Six weeks of a little hard work for a lifetime of skinny :)
Sunday, January 30, 2011
new day, new beginnings.
& another shot at success.
these last few pounds that i regained are slowly but surely shedding off. of course, they're taking their sweet ass time. but atleast they'll be gone soon. i still have not done my chem hw and im blogging once again. i think im turning into a blogaholic. and these posts have all been rubbish. im just rambling about nothingness. I have 40 days left before my friend comes to visit. i havent set a goal weight because im scared that i wont make it. but ive decided to take the risk. maybe seeing it here will be shame enough to actually accomplish something for once. seeing that i have 40 days. if i work out 6 days a week from 60-90 minutes.burning a minimum of 500 cals. stay under 500 cals per day. and throw in a 10 day fast along the way. i think 160 is reasonable. thats 17 pounds. i think i can do it. omg getting to 160 would be amazing. its so pathetic id never thought id weigh this much. but anyway no time for complaining.
you lovely angels stay strong. your kind words keep me going in my darkest hours.
these last few pounds that i regained are slowly but surely shedding off. of course, they're taking their sweet ass time. but atleast they'll be gone soon. i still have not done my chem hw and im blogging once again. i think im turning into a blogaholic. and these posts have all been rubbish. im just rambling about nothingness. I have 40 days left before my friend comes to visit. i havent set a goal weight because im scared that i wont make it. but ive decided to take the risk. maybe seeing it here will be shame enough to actually accomplish something for once. seeing that i have 40 days. if i work out 6 days a week from 60-90 minutes.burning a minimum of 500 cals. stay under 500 cals per day. and throw in a 10 day fast along the way. i think 160 is reasonable. thats 17 pounds. i think i can do it. omg getting to 160 would be amazing. its so pathetic id never thought id weigh this much. but anyway no time for complaining.
you lovely angels stay strong. your kind words keep me going in my darkest hours.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
stir crazy.
i think i did well today. although i ate skimpy meals and snacks im sure my calories are through the roof.
Breakfast:
yogurt (170 cals)
boiled egg (80 cals)
half apple (50 cals)
300 cals total.
Dinner:
peaches (300 cals)
noodles (150?)
yogurt (170)
620 cals total.
ive consumed 920 cals. and i barely ate anything. ive lost 2 pounds today. which still sucks. because i had a 3 pound gain yesterday! im soooo frustrated. its almost sunday so hopefully i wont have anymore cravings. i officially have NO more food in my house. well nothing binge worthy. i have some canned peaches and yogurt. which are soo unhealthy. i need fresh fruit.
im really discouraged right now. i need to pull myself up by my boot straps and get to work. i have been horrible this week. NO gym time. but low cals. and no lost other than today. i have soo much homework and studying to do. but all i can do is count calories and think of ways to lose weight faster. im being so unproductive right now. my online chem hw is due tomorrow and im blogging. wtf is wrong with this picture?!
i start my 6 week program on monday. im going to really work at it and give my all and by March 13th im praying that i see some kick ass results. wish me luck ladies.
Breakfast:
yogurt (170 cals)
boiled egg (80 cals)
half apple (50 cals)
300 cals total.
Dinner:
peaches (300 cals)
noodles (150?)
yogurt (170)
620 cals total.
ive consumed 920 cals. and i barely ate anything. ive lost 2 pounds today. which still sucks. because i had a 3 pound gain yesterday! im soooo frustrated. its almost sunday so hopefully i wont have anymore cravings. i officially have NO more food in my house. well nothing binge worthy. i have some canned peaches and yogurt. which are soo unhealthy. i need fresh fruit.
im really discouraged right now. i need to pull myself up by my boot straps and get to work. i have been horrible this week. NO gym time. but low cals. and no lost other than today. i have soo much homework and studying to do. but all i can do is count calories and think of ways to lose weight faster. im being so unproductive right now. my online chem hw is due tomorrow and im blogging. wtf is wrong with this picture?!
i start my 6 week program on monday. im going to really work at it and give my all and by March 13th im praying that i see some kick ass results. wish me luck ladies.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Quick post.
Just a few words.
my weight has been so weird this past week. i was progressively losing for a while and then all of a sudden it just stopped. my bf told me its because im gaining muscle which is heavier than fat. if that's the case, im thoroughly pissed. he says i should be happy. since my arms are much more defined than they used to be. but gaining weight is the exact opposite of what im trying to do. im going to start a six week program hopefully ill see some results. mostly abs, cardio, and core strengthening. i really want to be skinny. but i also want to be healthy and strong. i want to be beautiful. lol im such a cliche.
hope this is as inspirational to you as it is to me.
"We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons." - Jim Rohn
stay skinny & always positive :)
my weight has been so weird this past week. i was progressively losing for a while and then all of a sudden it just stopped. my bf told me its because im gaining muscle which is heavier than fat. if that's the case, im thoroughly pissed. he says i should be happy. since my arms are much more defined than they used to be. but gaining weight is the exact opposite of what im trying to do. im going to start a six week program hopefully ill see some results. mostly abs, cardio, and core strengthening. i really want to be skinny. but i also want to be healthy and strong. i want to be beautiful. lol im such a cliche.
hope this is as inspirational to you as it is to me.
"We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons." - Jim Rohn
stay skinny & always positive :)
Thursday, January 27, 2011
life didnt deal us a bad hand.
im guilty of this thought process. and im sure a lot of you are too. but it isnt true. life didnt decide to fuck with us and destroy our self esteems. we did that or we gave the power to someone else. its the nature of people to see things as right or wrong. black or right. victim and culprit. but, unfortunately. we are the culrpit in this scenario. we have raped our self image and destroyed any possibly of repairing it in the immediate future. but we CAN repair it. it'll just take a little work and a lot of love...for ourselves. sound insane right?
i constantly berate my self for eating. for doing something that we need to do to SURVIVE. what made me this way. im trying to think back to the day when i first became aware of my many flaws and im drawing a blank. i dont think it happened over night. i think there was always a little voice inside that told me i wasnt good enough. pretty enough. smart enough. thin enough. i started this journey of self destruction a long time ago. i made myself feel better about the cutting. starving. extreme exercise. everything. by telling myself i needed to do it to be comfortable. because i was scared of what people thought about me. scared that they hated me. in all reality i was scared of myself. i hated myself. i was my own victim. there's like a separate entity within me. ironic, right? how can i be so scared of myself. i mean come on now. i know i have a flare for the dramatics. but its true. my biggest fear is myself. im scared to let myself down. to accept failure. to ever give myself a break. im constantly under attack. i hardly ever give myself a pat on the back for the little things.
i dont know where the sudden enlightenment came from. maybe its exhaustion. im tired of the inadequacy. shame. disgust. i shouldnt feel this way towards myself. i mean, im going to be stuck with me for the next 70 or so years...hopefully. i might as well try to make this an enjoyable time.
i want to be healthy. i want to one day be able to not disect every calories in every morsel i think about putting into my mouth. i dont want to cry everytime i look at myself naked. i want to be confident and sexy. i want to be able to make eye contact with my bf when he tells me im beautiful. i want to believe him. desperately. i just want to be happy. i spend so much of my time thinking about other people. helping other people. but i never help myself. im going to do my best from this day forward to say atleast one positive thing about myself. im going to work harder than ever. in school. in every aspect of my life. im tired of being an under achiever. i always hear how i have soooo much potential. well its time to cash that baby in. no more excuses. no more denial. i will make my life better.
im going to continue to go to the gym 6 days a week. regardless of how groggy i feel at 9 am. im going to cut meat out of 90 % of my diet. im going to eat healthier. and eat for sustenance not for calories. im going to stay below 1000. that may not be uber healthy. but thats good for me. because despite my weight i dont have a large appetite. i just have a sometimes uncontrollable need to binge. its quite ridiculous.
i hate to be a hypocrite. to post this self inspiring memo. then completely ignore it tomorrow. im honestly going to pray that that wont happen. im going to encourage myself to be my very best. i know i sound like a commercial. but its whats best for me. this cycle of down 2lbs up 5 has to END!! i dont have the mental strength to do this forever. i need a light at the end of the tunnel. and i think this is it.
now i am off to take my statistics test. im down right scared. but ive truly been working hard, studying, and turning in all my assignments. despite my ADD ive been paying attention in class also. i will speak positivity into existence. i will ACE this final. fingers crossed.
i hope you girls have a magnificent day. i certainly will try.
Stay Strong & Positive.
Im sending so many good thoughts and wishes to you all :)
i constantly berate my self for eating. for doing something that we need to do to SURVIVE. what made me this way. im trying to think back to the day when i first became aware of my many flaws and im drawing a blank. i dont think it happened over night. i think there was always a little voice inside that told me i wasnt good enough. pretty enough. smart enough. thin enough. i started this journey of self destruction a long time ago. i made myself feel better about the cutting. starving. extreme exercise. everything. by telling myself i needed to do it to be comfortable. because i was scared of what people thought about me. scared that they hated me. in all reality i was scared of myself. i hated myself. i was my own victim. there's like a separate entity within me. ironic, right? how can i be so scared of myself. i mean come on now. i know i have a flare for the dramatics. but its true. my biggest fear is myself. im scared to let myself down. to accept failure. to ever give myself a break. im constantly under attack. i hardly ever give myself a pat on the back for the little things.
i dont know where the sudden enlightenment came from. maybe its exhaustion. im tired of the inadequacy. shame. disgust. i shouldnt feel this way towards myself. i mean, im going to be stuck with me for the next 70 or so years...hopefully. i might as well try to make this an enjoyable time.
i want to be healthy. i want to one day be able to not disect every calories in every morsel i think about putting into my mouth. i dont want to cry everytime i look at myself naked. i want to be confident and sexy. i want to be able to make eye contact with my bf when he tells me im beautiful. i want to believe him. desperately. i just want to be happy. i spend so much of my time thinking about other people. helping other people. but i never help myself. im going to do my best from this day forward to say atleast one positive thing about myself. im going to work harder than ever. in school. in every aspect of my life. im tired of being an under achiever. i always hear how i have soooo much potential. well its time to cash that baby in. no more excuses. no more denial. i will make my life better.
im going to continue to go to the gym 6 days a week. regardless of how groggy i feel at 9 am. im going to cut meat out of 90 % of my diet. im going to eat healthier. and eat for sustenance not for calories. im going to stay below 1000. that may not be uber healthy. but thats good for me. because despite my weight i dont have a large appetite. i just have a sometimes uncontrollable need to binge. its quite ridiculous.
i hate to be a hypocrite. to post this self inspiring memo. then completely ignore it tomorrow. im honestly going to pray that that wont happen. im going to encourage myself to be my very best. i know i sound like a commercial. but its whats best for me. this cycle of down 2lbs up 5 has to END!! i dont have the mental strength to do this forever. i need a light at the end of the tunnel. and i think this is it.
now i am off to take my statistics test. im down right scared. but ive truly been working hard, studying, and turning in all my assignments. despite my ADD ive been paying attention in class also. i will speak positivity into existence. i will ACE this final. fingers crossed.
i hope you girls have a magnificent day. i certainly will try.
Stay Strong & Positive.
Im sending so many good thoughts and wishes to you all :)
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Taco Bell
so my bf is told me that Taco bell is getting sued because they advertise that they use 100% beef when in actuality their packages say 35% beef and the rest is "meat filler". that is disgusting. but thee worst part is after hearing that i ate taco bell. two hard tacos. they were soo good. and it probably took 2 years off my life expectancy.
my bf got me the cutest engagement ring!!! im sooo excited! its absolutely beautiful.he couldnt wait til V day so he gave it to me now. typical. hes so impatient lol. ive been staring at it all day.
i didnt go to the gym this morning. i know im such a cunt. and i wont go tomorrow because i have sooo much studying to do for my big stats test manana. and i've gained weight. those damn tacos. but other than that i havent had any meals in 3 days. ive only had green tea and snacks. what the fuck is wrong with my body. maybe its gone into starvation mode. ughhh!!!!!!!! im soooo frustrated. im trying really hard here. why wont my body cooperate. i need to look amazing by the time my friend gets here. i feel like crying. all this studying makes me nervous and anxious. whichmakes me want to snack. i cant win for losing. its not enough that im starving myself. but im starving AND gaining weight. FML
id also like to thank the lovely ladies that commented on my last post. im going to try to pick up some of the things you guys suggested. thanks :)
my bf got me the cutest engagement ring!!! im sooo excited! its absolutely beautiful.he couldnt wait til V day so he gave it to me now. typical. hes so impatient lol. ive been staring at it all day.
i didnt go to the gym this morning. i know im such a cunt. and i wont go tomorrow because i have sooo much studying to do for my big stats test manana. and i've gained weight. those damn tacos. but other than that i havent had any meals in 3 days. ive only had green tea and snacks. what the fuck is wrong with my body. maybe its gone into starvation mode. ughhh!!!!!!!! im soooo frustrated. im trying really hard here. why wont my body cooperate. i need to look amazing by the time my friend gets here. i feel like crying. all this studying makes me nervous and anxious. whichmakes me want to snack. i cant win for losing. its not enough that im starving myself. but im starving AND gaining weight. FML
id also like to thank the lovely ladies that commented on my last post. im going to try to pick up some of the things you guys suggested. thanks :)
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
green tea.
today i was doing good. i woke up at 10 and went to the gym then was in class from 1-7. i love tuesdays. they're my busiest so that means....no time for food!!! until i get home :(.
i had a roll of ritz crackers and like 20 or 30 cheez-its. im sure thats like 300 cals...at least. i suuuckkkkk.
now im about to drink some green tea with honey while i study for my stats test on thursday. hopefully its sits well with my tummy. the last time i drank it i was vomitting. but i know its good for skin and metabolism. im going to try to gulp it down.
there was a lot of good things about today:
GREAT hair day
nice outfit
i applied for a job in the student center at my school
and my room is nice and tidy :)
i have a question, how do you guys like your tea and what are your favorite low cal snacks??
i hope you guys have a lovely day.
i had a roll of ritz crackers and like 20 or 30 cheez-its. im sure thats like 300 cals...at least. i suuuckkkkk.
now im about to drink some green tea with honey while i study for my stats test on thursday. hopefully its sits well with my tummy. the last time i drank it i was vomitting. but i know its good for skin and metabolism. im going to try to gulp it down.
there was a lot of good things about today:
GREAT hair day
nice outfit
i applied for a job in the student center at my school
and my room is nice and tidy :)
i have a question, how do you guys like your tea and what are your favorite low cal snacks??
i hope you guys have a lovely day.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
food is thy enemy.
time: 4:34 p.m.
intake-Zero calories!! not a single morsel has passed these lips. and im not even hungry.strange. but ill take it.
ok, heres an instant replay of my day.
woke up at about 11. went to the gym with my roomie. then came back and crashed on my floor for like 2 hrs. i was freezing so i woke up and took a 30 minute steaming shower. it felt sooooo good. now im typing this. after, im going to study then watch the episode of Desperate Housewives that i missed last week.
im not exactly fasting, i dont know what im doing. but i have 51 days to look absolutely awesome before my friend comes to visit. that should be plenty of time. i dont have an exact plan. i know my diet will consist of tuna & crackers, carrots, water, and green tea. thats it. i have enough to lst me for a good bit.
my roommates have been cooking for the past few hrs and everything smells so good. but ive been breathing out my mouth so that the aroma doesnt make me hungry. im so weird lol. the gym was soo good today. i felt the burn. no gym tomorrow. that day is dedicated to cleaning and doing my hair and nails. but im back at it bright&early monday morning.
have a fantastic saturday night ladies :)
intake-Zero calories!! not a single morsel has passed these lips. and im not even hungry.strange. but ill take it.
ok, heres an instant replay of my day.
woke up at about 11. went to the gym with my roomie. then came back and crashed on my floor for like 2 hrs. i was freezing so i woke up and took a 30 minute steaming shower. it felt sooooo good. now im typing this. after, im going to study then watch the episode of Desperate Housewives that i missed last week.
im not exactly fasting, i dont know what im doing. but i have 51 days to look absolutely awesome before my friend comes to visit. that should be plenty of time. i dont have an exact plan. i know my diet will consist of tuna & crackers, carrots, water, and green tea. thats it. i have enough to lst me for a good bit.
my roommates have been cooking for the past few hrs and everything smells so good. but ive been breathing out my mouth so that the aroma doesnt make me hungry. im so weird lol. the gym was soo good today. i felt the burn. no gym tomorrow. that day is dedicated to cleaning and doing my hair and nails. but im back at it bright&early monday morning.
have a fantastic saturday night ladies :)
Friday, January 21, 2011
financial aid.
i did bad today. im upset. i had an entire box of cheez-its. in two sittings! what the fuck is my problem? while i was eating them i kept telling myself to stop. clearly it didnt work. idk why i do this. is it just us, or does everyone have this bizarre relationship with food? like, im sick of being controlled by calories. why cant i simply say no. the thought of food will haunt me until ive consumed as much of it as i can physically stand. i just want to be thin. why wasnt i born thin. why did i have to be fat and bloated and jiggly and disgusting. i want to be beautiful. i want others to approve of me. everyone is always telling kids that other peoples opinion doesnt matter. bullshittttt. it matters to me. i dont want people to look at me like im some whale. i want to be thin. nobody sees how much i suffer. how much i hate myself. i want to hurt myself about 90% of the time. ive toyed with the thought of suicide a few times. but im too much of a punk. sadly, i only wanted to do it to see if anyone would care. i quickly decided not to do it because i couldnt possibly see their reactions if i was dead. duh.
anyway, i need more financial aid. it pays my tuition. but i need more money. ill be 21 soon. i need to start saving for my future. i cant spend the rest of my life depending on my parents. they are retired and living on a fixed income and paying their own expenses and my younger sisters tuition. luckily mine is covered. but still, i need spending money and eventuallly ill need a house and a new car. i cant run back to them everytime something goes wrong. i need to assert my independence. im so used to working, making my own money, and depending on no one. i feel like a huge burden when i have to ask my mom to transfer me money.she cant give me much. and i feel so horrible for asking. i stay in campus apartments . i have 3 roommates and their all in there mid/ late 20's. one of them is 27 and she has thousands in the bank. shes so good at saving money. and she works right now. i need to get another job. im just so sick of customer service. but im going to apply for the manager position of the student center at my school. hopefully, that goes well.
i want to be financially independent and start saving up for my future. ive always had expensive taste and a shopping addiction. 2 very bad things when you have NO money and BILLS. i have to credit card. one of them is maxed out and i really need to pay it since i got my refund today. but if i do that ill be broke again. this whole "life of a college student" is really starting to get played out. im stressed. im going to the gym in the morning and burning off these calories and negative energy. then me and my roommate are going to the library for about 5 hrs. were pretty much going to move in and not leave til weve memorized our books. chemistry requires so much time and energy. that i dont have. correction. dont want to give. but i need to suck it up and stop whining. im academic probation. which means i cant get below a C in any of my classes or i wont be able to register next semester. and if i cant register, i cant stay in student housing. and since im from out of state, id have to go back home. my parents will be beyond disappointed. i dont want to do that to my mom. shes so proud of me. id hate to sabotage her perfect image of me.
i need perfection. not just in my body. but in every aspect of my life. i want to be flawless. i want control. i want consistency. i want happiness. i just want things to go my way! i know i sound like a brat. but i dont care. this about wraps up my ramble. im going to fall into a nocturnal coma or what you normal people like to call sleep. goodnight. stay strong ladies.
anyway, i need more financial aid. it pays my tuition. but i need more money. ill be 21 soon. i need to start saving for my future. i cant spend the rest of my life depending on my parents. they are retired and living on a fixed income and paying their own expenses and my younger sisters tuition. luckily mine is covered. but still, i need spending money and eventuallly ill need a house and a new car. i cant run back to them everytime something goes wrong. i need to assert my independence. im so used to working, making my own money, and depending on no one. i feel like a huge burden when i have to ask my mom to transfer me money.she cant give me much. and i feel so horrible for asking. i stay in campus apartments . i have 3 roommates and their all in there mid/ late 20's. one of them is 27 and she has thousands in the bank. shes so good at saving money. and she works right now. i need to get another job. im just so sick of customer service. but im going to apply for the manager position of the student center at my school. hopefully, that goes well.
i want to be financially independent and start saving up for my future. ive always had expensive taste and a shopping addiction. 2 very bad things when you have NO money and BILLS. i have to credit card. one of them is maxed out and i really need to pay it since i got my refund today. but if i do that ill be broke again. this whole "life of a college student" is really starting to get played out. im stressed. im going to the gym in the morning and burning off these calories and negative energy. then me and my roommate are going to the library for about 5 hrs. were pretty much going to move in and not leave til weve memorized our books. chemistry requires so much time and energy. that i dont have. correction. dont want to give. but i need to suck it up and stop whining. im academic probation. which means i cant get below a C in any of my classes or i wont be able to register next semester. and if i cant register, i cant stay in student housing. and since im from out of state, id have to go back home. my parents will be beyond disappointed. i dont want to do that to my mom. shes so proud of me. id hate to sabotage her perfect image of me.
i need perfection. not just in my body. but in every aspect of my life. i want to be flawless. i want control. i want consistency. i want happiness. i just want things to go my way! i know i sound like a brat. but i dont care. this about wraps up my ramble. im going to fall into a nocturnal coma or what you normal people like to call sleep. goodnight. stay strong ladies.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
venting!
ughh! im so fucking agitated right now. and i realllly need to take it out on someone. it'll most likely be my bf. mean, right? he just irks me so much sometimes. actually, to be honest, its not even him. i just get so pissed at my self that i have to find someone to blame it on before i implode. this fucking statistics class is stupid. the fact that i ran over my iphone is really fucking stupid. and the fact that my tutor for math is never there is outrageuosly reallllyyyy fuckinggg stupidd!!!! ugh. i wanna blow this bitch up.
okayyyy!!! now i can go back to me normal self.....hello, everyone, i hope your day is going splendid. since mine is destroyed. i hope you guys are thin and using control.
ive been doing good this week as far as my intake. but i have not been to the gym once this entire week, PATHETIC! im going to go tomorrow morning if i can drag my fat ass out of bed. ive been trying to ease back into eating. because ive been having horrible abdominal pains. i think the layers of my stomach are rubbing against each other..well thats my theory. anyway, to help with the eating process im doing what i like to call intake bootcamp. im basically training my stomach to want less food and liquid. they say all it takes is 3 days to make or break a habit. which i believe because when i first started cheering i really wanted to do the splits. and i practice for 2 days, hardcore. and i got it. i was so thrilled. so i plan on applying that technique here. ive been eat around 200-300 cals a day. but last night i was congratulating myself on my will power and pumping my head up. so i decided that i deserved a treat. i got a footlong sub. and ate the ENTIRE thing. at first i only ate half, and i was waiting for the full feeling to kick in. it usually does when im doing "intake bootcamp". because i barely eat anything so when i finally eat a normal serving of food i feel beyond stuffed. but this time that didnt happen. weird. so i ate the other half. and i felt like death. my stomach was rejecting it. i was in pain for about 20 minutes. then i had to run to the bathroom. it was like i took a handful of laxatives. idk what happened. but my body did not want that delicious sandwich in me. which is fine by me.
so today im not eating anything. its 4pm nnow and im just now starting to get hungry. but i stare at thinspo for a few minutes and im ok. its so easy to not eat when i have class everyday. last semester i only had class 2 days a week. so the other 5 days i just layed in bed consuming as much food as i could. now im always in the car or class or exhasuted. i love it. keeping myself busy does wonders for my intake.
im trying to decide if i should go the gym in the mornings or evenings. my afternoons and evenings are so busy. monday thru thursday i dont get out of class until 645 then i rush to the gym. but thats not going to work because GOSSIP GIRL is coming back on monday. and i dont want to miss a single second of it. my other choice is to go to the gym in the morning but id have to wake up around 9 or 10ish. which isnt that bad. but its my first semester in a long time where all my classes start at 12 or 1. so i finally get to sleep in. and i dont wanna have to wake up. this ladies, is what you call a rock and a hard place lol.
i have some newfound motivation. my bestfriend is coming to visit in early march. shes much thinner than i am. but she isnt ecxactly skinny. my ultimate goal is to be way thinner than her. shes not my competition or anything. i just dont want it to be sunny and she wants to go the beach in a bathing suit. and i have to wear jeans and a sweater. plus, she never thinks i can lose weight or stick to a diet. and she'll "innocently" poke fun at my weight. its just annoying. so i have exactly 40 days to lose as much weight as humanly possible. wish me luck.
rememeber, self control is the only thing standing in the way ofwho you are and who you deserve to be. you can do it!
okayyyy!!! now i can go back to me normal self.....hello, everyone, i hope your day is going splendid. since mine is destroyed. i hope you guys are thin and using control.
ive been doing good this week as far as my intake. but i have not been to the gym once this entire week, PATHETIC! im going to go tomorrow morning if i can drag my fat ass out of bed. ive been trying to ease back into eating. because ive been having horrible abdominal pains. i think the layers of my stomach are rubbing against each other..well thats my theory. anyway, to help with the eating process im doing what i like to call intake bootcamp. im basically training my stomach to want less food and liquid. they say all it takes is 3 days to make or break a habit. which i believe because when i first started cheering i really wanted to do the splits. and i practice for 2 days, hardcore. and i got it. i was so thrilled. so i plan on applying that technique here. ive been eat around 200-300 cals a day. but last night i was congratulating myself on my will power and pumping my head up. so i decided that i deserved a treat. i got a footlong sub. and ate the ENTIRE thing. at first i only ate half, and i was waiting for the full feeling to kick in. it usually does when im doing "intake bootcamp". because i barely eat anything so when i finally eat a normal serving of food i feel beyond stuffed. but this time that didnt happen. weird. so i ate the other half. and i felt like death. my stomach was rejecting it. i was in pain for about 20 minutes. then i had to run to the bathroom. it was like i took a handful of laxatives. idk what happened. but my body did not want that delicious sandwich in me. which is fine by me.
so today im not eating anything. its 4pm nnow and im just now starting to get hungry. but i stare at thinspo for a few minutes and im ok. its so easy to not eat when i have class everyday. last semester i only had class 2 days a week. so the other 5 days i just layed in bed consuming as much food as i could. now im always in the car or class or exhasuted. i love it. keeping myself busy does wonders for my intake.
im trying to decide if i should go the gym in the mornings or evenings. my afternoons and evenings are so busy. monday thru thursday i dont get out of class until 645 then i rush to the gym. but thats not going to work because GOSSIP GIRL is coming back on monday. and i dont want to miss a single second of it. my other choice is to go to the gym in the morning but id have to wake up around 9 or 10ish. which isnt that bad. but its my first semester in a long time where all my classes start at 12 or 1. so i finally get to sleep in. and i dont wanna have to wake up. this ladies, is what you call a rock and a hard place lol.
i have some newfound motivation. my bestfriend is coming to visit in early march. shes much thinner than i am. but she isnt ecxactly skinny. my ultimate goal is to be way thinner than her. shes not my competition or anything. i just dont want it to be sunny and she wants to go the beach in a bathing suit. and i have to wear jeans and a sweater. plus, she never thinks i can lose weight or stick to a diet. and she'll "innocently" poke fun at my weight. its just annoying. so i have exactly 40 days to lose as much weight as humanly possible. wish me luck.
rememeber, self control is the only thing standing in the way of
Monday, January 17, 2011
Im Hungry.
my stomach is growling, i want something sweet and fattening, and i want a burrito. maybe ill go pick up something from subway after i finish during my hair. i havent eaten anything today. ive been doing really good this past week and i lost 4 lbs. im thrilled, its nice to know that my hours upon hours at the gym are finally paying off.
school is going well, its only the third week, but still. i love all my professors and classes. i can already tell Chemistry and stats are going to be the most difficult, obviously.
im watching knocked up. still as funny as the first time i saw it. its a freaking classic.
i want to lose 5 more pounds by the 22. wish me luck ladies :)
im sending positive vibes to all 53 of you!!
school is going well, its only the third week, but still. i love all my professors and classes. i can already tell Chemistry and stats are going to be the most difficult, obviously.
im watching knocked up. still as funny as the first time i saw it. its a freaking classic.
i want to lose 5 more pounds by the 22. wish me luck ladies :)
im sending positive vibes to all 53 of you!!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
thanks are in order..once again :)
Me and the bf are back on good terms, or atleast getting there.
you guys are phenomenal!!1 like, seriously! idk what i would do without you. all of you that commented are sooo sweet. But i should know by now that you girls are amazinggg :)
For all of you who havent seen Black Swan, you have to go. & i think im going to start fasting today.
my email is : marsh.sara@rocketmail.com
I just attempted the salt water flush. it was horrid. i drank half a cup and about 10 minutes later i was vomiting all over the place. i have a really sensitive stomach, but i thought i could take it. apparently. i was wrong. maybe ill try a laxative tea? or just a laxative? any suggestions?
yesterday&today. ive had a snow day. all schools and businesses have been closed. its soooo much fun. me and the bf have been cuddling and watching movies and discovered a new tv show. prison break. looove it. and the fact that the lead actor is beyondddddd gorgeous doesnt hurt either. the only downside about this mini vaca is that i havent gone to the gym in 3 days in a row. i dont go on sundays. but i wasnt expecting to skip these last two days. its throwing my routine out of wack.
i just wanted to make a quick post to say thank you, your kind words made me smile. lately, i need every smile i can get :)
you guys are phenomenal!!1 like, seriously! idk what i would do without you. all of you that commented are sooo sweet. But i should know by now that you girls are amazinggg :)
For all of you who havent seen Black Swan, you have to go. & i think im going to start fasting today.
my email is : marsh.sara@rocketmail.com
I just attempted the salt water flush. it was horrid. i drank half a cup and about 10 minutes later i was vomiting all over the place. i have a really sensitive stomach, but i thought i could take it. apparently. i was wrong. maybe ill try a laxative tea? or just a laxative? any suggestions?
yesterday&today. ive had a snow day. all schools and businesses have been closed. its soooo much fun. me and the bf have been cuddling and watching movies and discovered a new tv show. prison break. looove it. and the fact that the lead actor is beyondddddd gorgeous doesnt hurt either. the only downside about this mini vaca is that i havent gone to the gym in 3 days in a row. i dont go on sundays. but i wasnt expecting to skip these last two days. its throwing my routine out of wack.
i just wanted to make a quick post to say thank you, your kind words made me smile. lately, i need every smile i can get :)
Saturday, January 8, 2011
fights&food.
And not necessarily in that order.
i feeel sick. both emotionally and physically. me and the bf are fighting horrribly. i made myself a drink and got pretty tipsy. then i got a pizza and ate almost the whole thing. after i had such a awonderful day at the gym this morning. ughhhhh!!!! im sabotaging myself. why????? i must not really want to be skinny. maybe i think i cant handle it. for the first time in a while i didnt cut because of my emotions. but i ate and drank.and ate some more. i had 2 bowls of cereal and half a pizza today. that pizza fucked up my intake for the day.
but on the bright side im doing the salt water flush in the morning and goin to try a 7 day fast. its been a while since ive done one. and im scared i wont be able to stick to it. finger crossed.
i really want to purge. im a binger. but have never purged in my life. i hate this fat in my stomach. i dont want to be full of pepperonis and cheese. i want to be light and feathery. and i think im lactose intolerant. i never was before but i get such an upset stomach when i eat dairy.
Oh, i saw Black Swan yesterday. one word. unforgettable. i could totally relate to nina. but it is a complete mind fuck. youll leave the theatre confused, scared, and happy. all at the same time. i loved it and definetly want to see it again. im sure there were 100 things that went over my head.
i am watching Everybody loves Raymond. and i can not stop laughing. he is so hilarious. ive loved this show since it first premiered. anywho, i hope you ladies have a great day, and even greater nights!
ilove all 51 of you!
i feeel sick. both emotionally and physically. me and the bf are fighting horrribly. i made myself a drink and got pretty tipsy. then i got a pizza and ate almost the whole thing. after i had such a awonderful day at the gym this morning. ughhhhh!!!! im sabotaging myself. why????? i must not really want to be skinny. maybe i think i cant handle it. for the first time in a while i didnt cut because of my emotions. but i ate and drank.and ate some more. i had 2 bowls of cereal and half a pizza today. that pizza fucked up my intake for the day.
but on the bright side im doing the salt water flush in the morning and goin to try a 7 day fast. its been a while since ive done one. and im scared i wont be able to stick to it. finger crossed.
i really want to purge. im a binger. but have never purged in my life. i hate this fat in my stomach. i dont want to be full of pepperonis and cheese. i want to be light and feathery. and i think im lactose intolerant. i never was before but i get such an upset stomach when i eat dairy.
Oh, i saw Black Swan yesterday. one word. unforgettable. i could totally relate to nina. but it is a complete mind fuck. youll leave the theatre confused, scared, and happy. all at the same time. i loved it and definetly want to see it again. im sure there were 100 things that went over my head.
i am watching Everybody loves Raymond. and i can not stop laughing. he is so hilarious. ive loved this show since it first premiered. anywho, i hope you ladies have a great day, and even greater nights!
ilove all 51 of you!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Refreshed.
i hate that i have been absent for so long. but i really needed the time to recuperate. i honestly was driving myself crazy. and i didnt feel it was right to drag you guys down with depressing anecdotes. but now im back and ready to start again. the second semester of schhol starts on Wednesday. and im very nervous. theres so much i need to get done. i need to get straight A's. im going to need to focus and harness some control. i cant sleep and slack like i did last semester. i did horrible, to say the least. sooo inevitably in my depression, i drowned my self in high calorie foods and little exercise, if at all. but i was conscious of the impact of my decision the entire time. if that makes any sense... i knew id be mad at myself for gaining my weight back. but i did it anyway. im not sure why. a part of me likes to fail....it gives me this weird motivation. strange huh?
im going to speak with my academic advisor tomorrow morning. fix my schedule. then im going to type up and print out a very detailed schedule for the semester. every little detail will be in black and white. studying, sleeping, gym, my tv shows, everything. i work so much better when im on a tight schedule. i need to force myself to focus. i dont want to be in school for the rest of my life. i need to get this together. i have a younger sibling and cousins that i need to set a positive example for. i got caught up in being on my own and i seriously slacked. the biggest sacrifice ill have to make is time with the bf. were always at the movie, mall, dinner, basically antyhing but studying. were serious under achievers. well i guess him ore so than me. he was on honor roll all throughout high school. and maintained a 3.5 gpa the first two years of college. but we got comfortable and put studying on the back burner. that has to stop.
on a positive note. ill be starting the gym again on wednesday after a 10 days. im sure the cardio will be the toughest. but im looking forward to it. i need to lose this weight. i still havent done my salt water flush. i want to do it tomorrow but i have to go talk to my counselor. maybe ill wake up extra early and do it. but i dont want to be in her office and then have to go to the bathroom. that would be awful. i wake up at 5 am and do it. that should give me plenty of time, hopefully.
i hope all of you guys are doing wonderfully, you all deserve it. :)
im going to speak with my academic advisor tomorrow morning. fix my schedule. then im going to type up and print out a very detailed schedule for the semester. every little detail will be in black and white. studying, sleeping, gym, my tv shows, everything. i work so much better when im on a tight schedule. i need to force myself to focus. i dont want to be in school for the rest of my life. i need to get this together. i have a younger sibling and cousins that i need to set a positive example for. i got caught up in being on my own and i seriously slacked. the biggest sacrifice ill have to make is time with the bf. were always at the movie, mall, dinner, basically antyhing but studying. were serious under achievers. well i guess him ore so than me. he was on honor roll all throughout high school. and maintained a 3.5 gpa the first two years of college. but we got comfortable and put studying on the back burner. that has to stop.
on a positive note. ill be starting the gym again on wednesday after a 10 days. im sure the cardio will be the toughest. but im looking forward to it. i need to lose this weight. i still havent done my salt water flush. i want to do it tomorrow but i have to go talk to my counselor. maybe ill wake up extra early and do it. but i dont want to be in her office and then have to go to the bathroom. that would be awful. i wake up at 5 am and do it. that should give me plenty of time, hopefully.
i hope all of you guys are doing wonderfully, you all deserve it. :)
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