In the midst of my favorite show, Ive discovered that since I started this journey. Ive my lost EIGHT pounds!! can you say shocker. I am so elated. I mean I thought I was doing well, but I cant really see the difference in my body. I mean i feel like my tummy has been a bit flatter,but the next i feel bloated. I have to keep it up, I still may make my thanksgiving goal despite my eff up last week.
Ive dont nothing but relax and watch gossip girls all weekend. Im obsessed with that show. I used to watch it when it first aired, but I got so busy and stopped. Next thing i know its the 4th season. So ive been catching up, Im up to the half point of season 2. I wanted to be caught up by Monday for the new episode but it looks like its not gunna happen.
I have 19 followers now!! i love every single one of you, and thanks for following back :)
Self Control is the only thing standing in the way of who you are and who you deserve to be.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Thanks are in Order, lovelies :)
OMG! you guys are absolutely, positively thee BEST in the world. I am a huuuge believer in what i like to call "good vibes" lol. and with all of your good vibes i got the job! im soooo excited. ANNNND i got an A on my Anatomy test. I feel so energized and great! I looove all of my followers, you guys are sooo great. (i really need to learn some new adjectives lol)
Today I ate Subway and three chocolate cookies! i feel like sucha failure. I need to refocus and find more things to occupy my time. Ive been studying like crazy to keep myself busy, which i guess is good. but i need a little more entertainment in my life. I will be making my blog rounds today.
I wanted to talk about a lot today, but my parents are way too excited to skype me so i guess ill go chat with them for a while. maybe ill be back tonight :)
Love & Happiness ladies :)
Today I ate Subway and three chocolate cookies! i feel like sucha failure. I need to refocus and find more things to occupy my time. Ive been studying like crazy to keep myself busy, which i guess is good. but i need a little more entertainment in my life. I will be making my blog rounds today.
I wanted to talk about a lot today, but my parents are way too excited to skype me so i guess ill go chat with them for a while. maybe ill be back tonight :)
Love & Happiness ladies :)
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Libra Scale.
Seein as im a Libra i thought this was appropriately named.
because i definitely need a scale in my life. not a literal one. but i feel like i lack balance. like im never 50/50. but then again i dont think any of us are (and i dont mean that in a bad way). i mean think about it. if we were completely balanced we wouldn't be us, you know. being slightly over the edge is what makes us push ourselves to be better. we expect more out of ourselves than the average person. and i admire us (mostly you
guys) for that.
I'm sorry i havent posted in a while, i feel like sucha slacker! but ive been way too busy. ive had test after test. and when im not studying im too exhausted to keep my eyes open let alone pick up my laptop.
I am anxiously tapping my foot as I am typing this. I have an interview with Macys in 1 hour. I have butterflies. But i usually do really good at interviews so I am trying to convince myself to relax.
My food intake this weekend wasn't too shabby. I def didnt wanna eat as much as I did, but still progress is progress. My weight is not bad, suprisingly I didnt gain anything from my calorie intake this weekend. My demented scale says I lost 3.2 pounds, maybe its not so demented after all. now if i could only get my metabolism to work for once in my life.
Im sooooo nervous.
On to other news. I have 16 followers! im soo excited. I dont think I'll ever not be excited lol. Its so friggin sweet that you guys took the time to folllow me. Im grateful. I will be visiting all your sites for inspiration (as always).
Lots of love and kisses. stay strong, ladies :)
because i definitely need a scale in my life. not a literal one. but i feel like i lack balance. like im never 50/50. but then again i dont think any of us are (and i dont mean that in a bad way). i mean think about it. if we were completely balanced we wouldn't be us, you know. being slightly over the edge is what makes us push ourselves to be better. we expect more out of ourselves than the average person. and i admire us (mostly you
guys) for that.
I'm sorry i havent posted in a while, i feel like sucha slacker! but ive been way too busy. ive had test after test. and when im not studying im too exhausted to keep my eyes open let alone pick up my laptop.
I am anxiously tapping my foot as I am typing this. I have an interview with Macys in 1 hour. I have butterflies. But i usually do really good at interviews so I am trying to convince myself to relax.
My food intake this weekend wasn't too shabby. I def didnt wanna eat as much as I did, but still progress is progress. My weight is not bad, suprisingly I didnt gain anything from my calorie intake this weekend. My demented scale says I lost 3.2 pounds, maybe its not so demented after all. now if i could only get my metabolism to work for once in my life.
Im sooooo nervous.
On to other news. I have 16 followers! im soo excited. I dont think I'll ever not be excited lol. Its so friggin sweet that you guys took the time to folllow me. Im grateful. I will be visiting all your sites for inspiration (as always).
Lots of love and kisses. stay strong, ladies :)
Thursday, October 14, 2010
livestrong.
thats what my armstrong bracelet says. until i get a bracelt (still thinking about it). i wear that as inspiration.
I'm doing so well im kinda proud of myself. Still hoping this willl-power is here to stay. dont waana bank on it though.
My calorie intake today is doing good. im actually calorie freeee! nothing has passed my lips except water and my vitamins. i loove emptiness. its soo...yummy!
I watched this new show on E! last night. i cant remember the exact title, but it was something like "what i eat". its a 6 part docu-series on people with ED's. it seems...interesting. i think ill keep up with it, if i ever remember.
I now have 7 followers! im uber excited! And i got comments. is today my lucky day or what??
I love having suport and giving it! i feel like i have a purpose now. its kinda weird. i would never want to let anyone down. so im even MORE focused. if thats even possible.
good luck ladies : )
I'm doing so well im kinda proud of myself. Still hoping this willl-power is here to stay. dont waana bank on it though.
My calorie intake today is doing good. im actually calorie freeee! nothing has passed my lips except water and my vitamins. i loove emptiness. its soo...yummy!
I watched this new show on E! last night. i cant remember the exact title, but it was something like "what i eat". its a 6 part docu-series on people with ED's. it seems...interesting. i think ill keep up with it, if i ever remember.
I now have 7 followers! im uber excited! And i got comments. is today my lucky day or what??
I love having suport and giving it! i feel like i have a purpose now. its kinda weird. i would never want to let anyone down. so im even MORE focused. if thats even possible.
good luck ladies : )
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tip of the day.
Food consumption=emotions.
try to tackle whatever it is you feel emotionally instead of eating that slice of chocolate cake.
go yell at the asshole who pissed you off.
punch that pillow.
talk to your family/friends.
dont be a slave to your emotions. because they are liars.
they will convince you that ice cream will make the pain disappear.
that extra hamburger will melt away anything you're angry about.
they are lying to you. and you're feeding into it.
literally.
Excuses.
dont make the excuse of "cravings" when you run out for that late night snack.
remember cravings are for weak people. and so are excuses.
we are above that. we're striving for perfection here people.
we hold ourselves to a higher standard.
Do not let food make you its BITCH!
FAILURE.
is NOT an option.
Success. is. inevitable.
stay focused, guys. you can do it.
try to tackle whatever it is you feel emotionally instead of eating that slice of chocolate cake.
go yell at the asshole who pissed you off.
punch that pillow.
talk to your family/friends.
dont be a slave to your emotions. because they are liars.
they will convince you that ice cream will make the pain disappear.
that extra hamburger will melt away anything you're angry about.
they are lying to you. and you're feeding into it.
literally.
Excuses.
dont make the excuse of "cravings" when you run out for that late night snack.
remember cravings are for weak people. and so are excuses.
we are above that. we're striving for perfection here people.
we hold ourselves to a higher standard.
Do not let food make you its BITCH!
FAILURE.
is NOT an option.
Success. is. inevitable.
stay focused, guys. you can do it.
dust yourself off and try again!
Sooooo. of course i get something at the drive through. and im .8 pounds heavier in ONE hour. honestly i think my scale is out to get me. ive never done anything wrong. except i swear at it at least twice a day. maybe it has low self esteem and in turn has decided to punish me for its lack of accuracy. how ruuuuude.
How can i joke during a time like this? because im happy. soooo Happy. i think the thinspo all over my walls and phone is finally working. because while i was eating last night i was literally forcing myself to eat. taking deep looong breaths between each bite. i didnt want it. i was full. and it was making me feel disgusting. i never wanna eat again. i finally feel like this can happen for me. im that much closer. just a word of advice, not that im qualified to give any, but still. whenever i feel like omggg this is taking forever or feel hungry i just think how happy ill feel when i look at the scale and it says ive dropped a pound. or more.
i know, you may be thinking..DUH!!! but i think a lot of us forget that. we try sooo hard to stay away from from. we keep saying. "no food, no food!" but once were up close and personal with it, we cave. we forget what made us start this anyway. we forget how beautiful we want to feel. and im not just talking about glancin at some thinspo. i mean reallly remembering what triggered this in the first place. being the shallow person that i am, it was clothes. but then it was the control. i can CONTROL what goes in my mouth. when. and why. not anyone else. i cant control who loves me. who hates me. why my teacher gave me a bad mark. but i can control what i eat. its really a beautiful thing. i love that in this little thing i have all the power in the world. its enticing, and dangerous. they're both intertwined. its like dancing with the devil. it may start off as a guilty pleasure. fun. light. exciting. then suddenly it changes. it isnt just a pound. its 10 more. then 10 more. then just a few more inches here. ive been there. ive been to that scary place where you cant even recognize yourself. where youre crying on the kitchen floor because you cant force yourself to eat. its not fun.
pause. let me slow my roll. i did not mean to get preachy. i just see so many people saying they wish they could be anorexic. but they have no idea. i hope i can get through to somebody. but for those of us already waltzing. fight on!
I have another follower. this makes me excited to come and write and have something good to report. who knew people i never met could encourage me so much. i appreciate that.
Good LUCK ! :)
How can i joke during a time like this? because im happy. soooo Happy. i think the thinspo all over my walls and phone is finally working. because while i was eating last night i was literally forcing myself to eat. taking deep looong breaths between each bite. i didnt want it. i was full. and it was making me feel disgusting. i never wanna eat again. i finally feel like this can happen for me. im that much closer. just a word of advice, not that im qualified to give any, but still. whenever i feel like omggg this is taking forever or feel hungry i just think how happy ill feel when i look at the scale and it says ive dropped a pound. or more.
i know, you may be thinking..DUH!!! but i think a lot of us forget that. we try sooo hard to stay away from from. we keep saying. "no food, no food!" but once were up close and personal with it, we cave. we forget what made us start this anyway. we forget how beautiful we want to feel. and im not just talking about glancin at some thinspo. i mean reallly remembering what triggered this in the first place. being the shallow person that i am, it was clothes. but then it was the control. i can CONTROL what goes in my mouth. when. and why. not anyone else. i cant control who loves me. who hates me. why my teacher gave me a bad mark. but i can control what i eat. its really a beautiful thing. i love that in this little thing i have all the power in the world. its enticing, and dangerous. they're both intertwined. its like dancing with the devil. it may start off as a guilty pleasure. fun. light. exciting. then suddenly it changes. it isnt just a pound. its 10 more. then 10 more. then just a few more inches here. ive been there. ive been to that scary place where you cant even recognize yourself. where youre crying on the kitchen floor because you cant force yourself to eat. its not fun.
pause. let me slow my roll. i did not mean to get preachy. i just see so many people saying they wish they could be anorexic. but they have no idea. i hope i can get through to somebody. but for those of us already waltzing. fight on!
I have another follower. this makes me excited to come and write and have something good to report. who knew people i never met could encourage me so much. i appreciate that.
Good LUCK ! :)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
little things.
its the little things that inspire me. or should i say reinpsire me.
my bf saying i was hurting him when i layed on him.
is definetly one of them. but im glad he said it. its the fuel i need to keep going. i hate myself. but am in love with who i could be. can be. should be. WILL be.
im off too pick him up some fast food. i need every prayer in the world to restrain me from getting something myself. i never eat fast food on my own. its when he wants something that im faced with the taunting drive through. gosh. hope i make it out alive. and thin!
my bf saying i was hurting him when i layed on him.
is definetly one of them. but im glad he said it. its the fuel i need to keep going. i hate myself. but am in love with who i could be. can be. should be. WILL be.
im off too pick him up some fast food. i need every prayer in the world to restrain me from getting something myself. i never eat fast food on my own. its when he wants something that im faced with the taunting drive through. gosh. hope i make it out alive. and thin!
Is that doubt I taste??
I did horrendous on my weekend fast, but I restarted. im feeling refueled and ready to reach my goal weight. Its almost scary how focused I am. Im making myself nervous. scratch that, really nervous. ive been upfront about my eating patterns these last few days and my bf is okay with it. its nice that i have someone to support me.Yesterday, I had an apple and probably 25-30 carrots. Today I had 4 french fries, (my bf was eating them and i caved :( ) an apple, and 25-30 carrots. Idk when the will power arrived, but hopefully its here to stay. I have sooooo much to say, but i might have to keep this short seeing as my bf is sitting on the bed and im pretending to email my mother. hopefully he doesnt get to suspicious. I feel so overwhelmed at times. Ive only been on this "fast" for 2 days and im already scared. i guess im just a punk. i feel uber determined and ive lost 3 pounds since sunday. for me that's excellent, especially in just 2 days. i didnt get a run or the gym in Monday because my partner (bf) had a stomach virus and was throwing up alll day. and i played nurse.
whenever i visit other ana blogs they always talk about how they love that light feeling or how they miss the emptiness of not eating. i totally get it now. I feel ecstatic.like i can do anything. at any given moment. i loove this feeling. i never want it to leave. i feel so happy that im sad. i guess i reached my peak happiness and there was nowhere to go but down. i probably sound totally nonsensical. and im ok with that. .
My plan is to stay on this fast until next monday 10.18.10 hopefully ill be down 10 lbs. but ill settle for 7 or 8.
My fellow, ummm, extreme dieters. do you guys ever get scared about going too far? Anorexia and bulimia are certainly nothing to play with. i wish i could walk away sometimes. but the high is insane. nothing compares. no matter the hunger pains. which surprisingly are very rare...hmm go figure. anyway. despite the hunger pains. headaches. and dizziness. its worth it. i cant wait till i get where i wanna be. where i need to be.
I want to have a sexy bikini on. preferably pink or black. but really as long as it is a bikini, who cares what friggin color it is. i want to be light as a freakin feather. i want to be barely there. i want a space between my thighs. i want beautiful collar bones. that effervescently peak out. i want my thin face back. i want peekaboo cheek bones. i want to put on leggings and a tshirt and absolutely NOTHING jiggle,wiggle or flop. i want to be soooo thin. not scary thin. not 'hospital admittance thin'. but thin. beautifully thin. sexy. happy. carefree. i want to be one of those girls that people say, "omg youre sooo lucky you can eat whatever you want and never gain a pound. i want to be beautiful dammit! i cant wait. ill do whatever it takes. my drive right now is incredible. ive never been more determined in my life. i. swear. to. God.
I think ill post some thinspo soon.
good luck ladies :) oh and i have a NEW follower. thanks beautiful!
whenever i visit other ana blogs they always talk about how they love that light feeling or how they miss the emptiness of not eating. i totally get it now. I feel ecstatic.like i can do anything. at any given moment. i loove this feeling. i never want it to leave. i feel so happy that im sad. i guess i reached my peak happiness and there was nowhere to go but down. i probably sound totally nonsensical. and im ok with that. .
My plan is to stay on this fast until next monday 10.18.10 hopefully ill be down 10 lbs. but ill settle for 7 or 8.
My fellow, ummm, extreme dieters. do you guys ever get scared about going too far? Anorexia and bulimia are certainly nothing to play with. i wish i could walk away sometimes. but the high is insane. nothing compares. no matter the hunger pains. which surprisingly are very rare...hmm go figure. anyway. despite the hunger pains. headaches. and dizziness. its worth it. i cant wait till i get where i wanna be. where i need to be.
I want to have a sexy bikini on. preferably pink or black. but really as long as it is a bikini, who cares what friggin color it is. i want to be light as a freakin feather. i want to be barely there. i want a space between my thighs. i want beautiful collar bones. that effervescently peak out. i want my thin face back. i want peekaboo cheek bones. i want to put on leggings and a tshirt and absolutely NOTHING jiggle,wiggle or flop. i want to be soooo thin. not scary thin. not 'hospital admittance thin'. but thin. beautifully thin. sexy. happy. carefree. i want to be one of those girls that people say, "omg youre sooo lucky you can eat whatever you want and never gain a pound. i want to be beautiful dammit! i cant wait. ill do whatever it takes. my drive right now is incredible. ive never been more determined in my life. i. swear. to. God.
I think ill post some thinspo soon.
good luck ladies :) oh and i have a NEW follower. thanks beautiful!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
another year older..
AND, while im at it, hopefuly wiser. wise enough to know the difference between right and wrong. justice and injustice. peace and war. happiness and misery. pity and sympathy. love and hate.
those are thee most imprtant things in life, and hopefully ill learn to accept a few and deny the others.
Anywayyyyyy, enough of the deeposity. and yes, i do tend to make up my own words. but i never say them out loud. strange right?
My birthday went very welll, started off sad and alone and ended up surrounded by the ones i love. really, who could ask for more? My calorie intake probably was outrageuos but before i started the day i made a vow with myself to be ok with that. i am a little pissed that my calories were wasted on the disgusting mexican food. i loooooove mexican food, and this place was hooorrriibble! i mean really the burrito is pretty basic. get it together people! i didnt make it to church today, bummer :/. but im having a detox day, to realx, watch tv, and maybe a snakc. but this snack will be extremely fattening. im craving the cookie desert from applebees. which ill go pick up in a bit. but ill compensate by not eating anything else for the rest of the day. and ill be going runnin tomorrow. since its monday. sometimes i wonder where i get my logic from. it can be sooo backwards at times.
have a good day, focused.
those are thee most imprtant things in life, and hopefully ill learn to accept a few and deny the others.
Anywayyyyyy, enough of the deeposity. and yes, i do tend to make up my own words. but i never say them out loud. strange right?
My birthday went very welll, started off sad and alone and ended up surrounded by the ones i love. really, who could ask for more? My calorie intake probably was outrageuos but before i started the day i made a vow with myself to be ok with that. i am a little pissed that my calories were wasted on the disgusting mexican food. i loooooove mexican food, and this place was hooorrriibble! i mean really the burrito is pretty basic. get it together people! i didnt make it to church today, bummer :/. but im having a detox day, to realx, watch tv, and maybe a snakc. but this snack will be extremely fattening. im craving the cookie desert from applebees. which ill go pick up in a bit. but ill compensate by not eating anything else for the rest of the day. and ill be going runnin tomorrow. since its monday. sometimes i wonder where i get my logic from. it can be sooo backwards at times.
have a good day, focused.
Friday, October 8, 2010
major fuck up
dammit! i have no will power. i caved. my friend was eating something delicious and i caved. i decided to make a little snack and i ate a whole can of tuna, 1 1/2 packs of Ritz, and a can of peaches. What is wrong with me! im sooo pissed. i feel fat and disgusting im trying to keep myself busy. but its been a zillion years since ive fasted and i suck! i really thought i could do it. i need to restart but its gunna be hard cuz once my bf gets back hes gunna wannna eat and stuff. its hard for me to not eat when i have to cook him dinner.
My evil scale went up 4 pounds, that is impossible, i could not have gained that much. (Lord i hope not!) its always fluctuating but its sooooo unreliable. i need to get a new one asap.
i haaate foood, im never gunna be skinny. i hate it! i hate this disgusting blubber hanging all over the place. i haaaate this. i feel fat in my legs, arms, neck, face, hands. my body is 99% fat! i want fucking visible collar bones and hip bones, is that too much to ask for? ahhhhhhhhh!!!!! foood is the enemy! i hate that it haves all this control over me, why cant i stand up to it. its been manipulating me for 20 yrs. btw, my birthday is in 16 minutes and im sooo not feelin it, ill be 20 yrs old....and fat!!! i haate this. im a slave to food. why cant i escape it its harassing me. i want to press charges.
morbidly depressed.night guys.
My evil scale went up 4 pounds, that is impossible, i could not have gained that much. (Lord i hope not!) its always fluctuating but its sooooo unreliable. i need to get a new one asap.
i haaate foood, im never gunna be skinny. i hate it! i hate this disgusting blubber hanging all over the place. i haaaate this. i feel fat in my legs, arms, neck, face, hands. my body is 99% fat! i want fucking visible collar bones and hip bones, is that too much to ask for? ahhhhhhhhh!!!!! foood is the enemy! i hate that it haves all this control over me, why cant i stand up to it. its been manipulating me for 20 yrs. btw, my birthday is in 16 minutes and im sooo not feelin it, ill be 20 yrs old....and fat!!! i haate this. im a slave to food. why cant i escape it its harassing me. i want to press charges.
morbidly depressed.night guys.
MUSiC & little tidbits ♥
I forgot to mention one of the huuuuge loves of my life! music, of course!
i loove music everything about it: how it sounds, how it feels, how it tastes (yes, i have tasted music before #dontjudgeme lol). It sends electricity through my veins, granted i normally wouldn't appreciate that, but this is the only exception. Speaking of exceptions, i looooove Paramore, Hayley is one kick as red head! Oh and another tid bit about me. i want to be a red head so bad, but unless i want to look like lil kim (who btw i loove her music, mostly the 90's and early 2k stuuf) i better stick with black. i have been known to tamper with blondes, blues, greens, purples, and burgundy's.
A few of my ALL TIME favorite artist who i literally cant get enough of:
Paramore..duh!
Bob Marley...kick ass'
The doors..jim morrison's voice makes my heart smile
The police
tupac
lady gaga (im borderline fan/borderline annoyed)
katy perry..her music is soo lightt and carefree, but u can still get something from it..know what i mean?
Madonna..duh
Rollingstones...
Beatles...this list would be an epic fail without them
beach boys..they induce this beachy, sleepy, nostalgic feeling. love it
John Lennon ...Imagine blew my mind, still does.
Hall & Oates...id sooooo go to this concert if id been born in the 70's
The pretenders
erykah badu ....shes soooo...unexplanainable & great at the same time'
Lauryn hill... if you havent heard her youre crazy
fugees
The saturdays..idk how i even heard of them but theyre cool
The veronicas
Journey
Green day..im either sad (the good kind) or rebellious after listening to them lol
Earth, Wind, & Fire...ammazinggg
the cure
Sly & the family stone
Aaliyah
Alicia Keys
Afroman
Jayz
Amy Winehouse
Anthony Hamilton
Avril
J. cole
Lupe
dixie chicks
Dr. dre
eminenm
dj quik
suga free
dwele
a fine frenzy
gabriella climi
gin wigmore
heather headley
janelle monae
john mayer
leona lewis
marsha ambrosius
marvin gaye
maxwell
al green
Me'shel Ndegeocello
miguel
miley/hannah
cheetah girls
mozella
panic at the disco
relient k
sam sparro-back&gold. inredible
She & him
TAYLOR SWIFT!!! cant wait til oct. 25th :)
tracy chapman. liusten to fast car, you wont regret it :)
sade
ATCQ
Van Hunt
Willow smith...yes, as a matter of fact, i do whip my hair :)
yellow card
jeezy
3 doors down
....ok so, i know i said a few, but i started looking thru my iphone and i lost track of tme..but when it comes to music, you cant blame me for getting carried away...can you? I looove discovering new artist. I loooove mostly all genres of music. off the top of my head a few i cant get into are: metallica, classical, and jazz (which i hate to say because my dad is a huuuuuge jazz fan)
If you guys ever wanna share music that you think ill be into, websites for undergound stuff, or anything relating to music..PLEASE FEEL FREE!!
Oh, i also looove hippies and everything about them, that era, everythhinnggg! im sort of a fanatic (although i do have my violent outbursts lol) i loove the 70s, 80s, and 90s. thats where all the good shit went down. i loove movies about that time period. school daze, woodstock, etc.
Peace, Music, & Love ladies. :)
i loove music everything about it: how it sounds, how it feels, how it tastes (yes, i have tasted music before #dontjudgeme lol). It sends electricity through my veins, granted i normally wouldn't appreciate that, but this is the only exception. Speaking of exceptions, i looooove Paramore, Hayley is one kick as red head! Oh and another tid bit about me. i want to be a red head so bad, but unless i want to look like lil kim (who btw i loove her music, mostly the 90's and early 2k stuuf) i better stick with black. i have been known to tamper with blondes, blues, greens, purples, and burgundy's.
A few of my ALL TIME favorite artist who i literally cant get enough of:
Paramore..duh!
Bob Marley...kick ass'
The doors..jim morrison's voice makes my heart smile
The police
tupac
lady gaga (im borderline fan/borderline annoyed)
katy perry..her music is soo lightt and carefree, but u can still get something from it..know what i mean?
Madonna..duh
Rollingstones...
Beatles...this list would be an epic fail without them
beach boys..they induce this beachy, sleepy, nostalgic feeling. love it
John Lennon ...Imagine blew my mind, still does.
Hall & Oates...id sooooo go to this concert if id been born in the 70's
The pretenders
erykah badu ....shes soooo...unexplanainable & great at the same time'
Lauryn hill... if you havent heard her youre crazy
fugees
The saturdays..idk how i even heard of them but theyre cool
The veronicas
Journey
Green day..im either sad (the good kind) or rebellious after listening to them lol
Earth, Wind, & Fire...ammazinggg
the cure
Sly & the family stone
Aaliyah
Alicia Keys
Afroman
Jayz
Amy Winehouse
Anthony Hamilton
Avril
J. cole
Lupe
dixie chicks
Dr. dre
eminenm
dj quik
suga free
dwele
a fine frenzy
gabriella climi
gin wigmore
heather headley
janelle monae
john mayer
leona lewis
marsha ambrosius
marvin gaye
maxwell
al green
Me'shel Ndegeocello
miguel
miley/hannah
cheetah girls
mozella
panic at the disco
relient k
sam sparro-back&gold. inredible
She & him
TAYLOR SWIFT!!! cant wait til oct. 25th :)
tracy chapman. liusten to fast car, you wont regret it :)
sade
ATCQ
Van Hunt
Willow smith...yes, as a matter of fact, i do whip my hair :)
yellow card
jeezy
3 doors down
....ok so, i know i said a few, but i started looking thru my iphone and i lost track of tme..but when it comes to music, you cant blame me for getting carried away...can you? I looove discovering new artist. I loooove mostly all genres of music. off the top of my head a few i cant get into are: metallica, classical, and jazz (which i hate to say because my dad is a huuuuuge jazz fan)
If you guys ever wanna share music that you think ill be into, websites for undergound stuff, or anything relating to music..PLEASE FEEL FREE!!
Oh, i also looove hippies and everything about them, that era, everythhinnggg! im sort of a fanatic (although i do have my violent outbursts lol) i loove the 70s, 80s, and 90s. thats where all the good shit went down. i loove movies about that time period. school daze, woodstock, etc.
Peace, Music, & Love ladies. :)
Random
Just a word of advice, 99.9% of the time my blog titles have little if any relativity to the blog itself.
What can i say, i like to keep it funky :)
What can i say, i like to keep it funky :)
Bittersweet .
Here I am in my room asking my self the age old question. Should i do laundry or not? ehhhh, I'm really not in the mood to be stared at by people i do not know in my apartment's wash room. On the other hand, i do have five fingers. so really when you think about it anything's possible :)
But on to other serious issues, I went running today again and it went rather well. Seeing as I despise running I'm proud i made it out for a second time. But I did not go to the gym today (bummer). my bf wanted to get on the road home so i skipped out. and ill admit that at the time i was a little happy to skip, but now i realized im only hurting myself. BTW, my fast started today so Iv'e had 1 apple so far and its going on 3 p.m. I need to find something to distract me if I get hungry. I wish it was Sunday so desperate housewives could be on, ive been a slave to that show since season 1. But im also gunna catch up on some goosip gilrs (havent watched since season 1, i know im wayyyyyy behind lol), veronica mars, (i never found out how that ended), pretty little liars, and SLAT. I loove those shows. but when i sit down to wtch them i always think i wish i had some ______ (insert fattening food here). so, maybe ill bite the bullet and do laundry afterall.
Ive never really confirmed on whether i had a ED. id say yes and no. I dont want to admit it, denial is not just a river in egypt. i like to think that i control my ED not the other way around. Im sooo backwards when it come to food. like seriously we have a love/hate relationship. I hate what it does to my body. But being black i think i have a predisposition to being slightly more curvy than the average gal, i wish it would freakin go away. i want suttle curves. I wish I could post a picture so you could see what Im talking about but Im nowhere near ready for that yet. I mean Im not like super curvy but im not skinny either. its hard to explain, i give up.
I wish I had a friend to keep me motivated, but its not like I can walk around with a sign that says "Need help with ED, any volunteers?", if only the world was that easy...omg i just had a huuuuge craving for french fries. You see this is what im talking about, I get crazy cravings like a pregnant person, which im def. not.
TGiF! preparing myself for a groovy ass night, let the music downloading & movie watching begin!
stay strong my pretties (AND i have another follower, who woulda thunk it? =D
But on to other serious issues, I went running today again and it went rather well. Seeing as I despise running I'm proud i made it out for a second time. But I did not go to the gym today (bummer). my bf wanted to get on the road home so i skipped out. and ill admit that at the time i was a little happy to skip, but now i realized im only hurting myself. BTW, my fast started today so Iv'e had 1 apple so far and its going on 3 p.m. I need to find something to distract me if I get hungry. I wish it was Sunday so desperate housewives could be on, ive been a slave to that show since season 1. But im also gunna catch up on some goosip gilrs (havent watched since season 1, i know im wayyyyyy behind lol), veronica mars, (i never found out how that ended), pretty little liars, and SLAT. I loove those shows. but when i sit down to wtch them i always think i wish i had some ______ (insert fattening food here). so, maybe ill bite the bullet and do laundry afterall.
Ive never really confirmed on whether i had a ED. id say yes and no. I dont want to admit it, denial is not just a river in egypt. i like to think that i control my ED not the other way around. Im sooo backwards when it come to food. like seriously we have a love/hate relationship. I hate what it does to my body. But being black i think i have a predisposition to being slightly more curvy than the average gal, i wish it would freakin go away. i want suttle curves. I wish I could post a picture so you could see what Im talking about but Im nowhere near ready for that yet. I mean Im not like super curvy but im not skinny either. its hard to explain, i give up.
I wish I had a friend to keep me motivated, but its not like I can walk around with a sign that says "Need help with ED, any volunteers?", if only the world was that easy...omg i just had a huuuuge craving for french fries. You see this is what im talking about, I get crazy cravings like a pregnant person, which im def. not.
TGiF! preparing myself for a groovy ass night, let the music downloading & movie watching begin!
stay strong my pretties (AND i have another follower, who woulda thunk it? =D
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I did it!
today is a good, wait scratch that, its an Amazing dayy! for 2 reasons. 1) I had a great workout and 2) I got my first follower! ok, i know its not a friday but in the words of ice cube "today was a good day" lol im wayy too corny.
My workout was orgasmic I ran at top speed for 20 min, jogged, then ran top speed for 30 min, then walked. Which is huge for me since I hateeee running, but i love the way it makes me feel. i know im completely backwards, but im ok with that. OH, and i even wore a 20 pound weight vest, picked it up from walmart last night. that thing is ridiculously heavy serioulsy i thought i was gunna die. Then I went straight to the gym, i did weights, treadmill, leg press, the elliptical, and 2 weird thigh machines that worked great! so i felt the burn today, and i lost 3 lbs, im thrilled. its not a lot but its less than yesterday, hopefully this starts a pattern. im soo excited i have to give a huuuuge thnks to my bf for goin with me and pushing me the whole way :)
On to other news, im thinking of joining the pre med club at my school, i just haaate going to meetings. but it will look great on grad school apps so im in there like swim wear. oh and the best news of all the cheer team is having tryouts on the 20th (which is like a sign from God because they had one in late august but i punked out) so i def wanna do this one. and its kinda perfect timing cuz it will give me the extra incentive to work my ass off and drop as much weight as i can in 14 days. I dont wanna be the fattest person on the team, and i know my thighs will look ginormous. i def wanna lose 20 pounds by Nov. 1st and 20 more by thanksgiving, since im going home with my bf, i wanna look my very best.
the only downside of trying out is, i have to go to everyyy game and once i get a job id have to schedule around them. ehhhhh, ill think it over.
i feel soooo great i think ill start my fast today and quit tuesday, well not a fast really ill just be eating raw baby carrots, celery, and drinking aqua. if i do that for 14 days, i should drop at least 10 pounds, hopefully more. and i wanna learn to flip, but i wont get ahead of my self lol. i mean i have experience in dance i did modern, ballet, and jazz for like 6 yrs till i broke my knee and everything got shot to hell. i havent done cheer exactly, more like step/drill team. im from la so our step team had a little less cheer and a lot more booty shakin and what not. i mean i can dance, but these girls can do a fucking full twisting lay out.
ummm brb!
im back, i took a little break to practice my toe touch which is sloppy as hell. ughhh lord give me strength.
wish me luck, follower (gosh, im way to happy to say that lol)
stay strong, and remember food is the ENEMY!
My workout was orgasmic I ran at top speed for 20 min, jogged, then ran top speed for 30 min, then walked. Which is huge for me since I hateeee running, but i love the way it makes me feel. i know im completely backwards, but im ok with that. OH, and i even wore a 20 pound weight vest, picked it up from walmart last night. that thing is ridiculously heavy serioulsy i thought i was gunna die. Then I went straight to the gym, i did weights, treadmill, leg press, the elliptical, and 2 weird thigh machines that worked great! so i felt the burn today, and i lost 3 lbs, im thrilled. its not a lot but its less than yesterday, hopefully this starts a pattern. im soo excited i have to give a huuuuge thnks to my bf for goin with me and pushing me the whole way :)
On to other news, im thinking of joining the pre med club at my school, i just haaate going to meetings. but it will look great on grad school apps so im in there like swim wear. oh and the best news of all the cheer team is having tryouts on the 20th (which is like a sign from God because they had one in late august but i punked out) so i def wanna do this one. and its kinda perfect timing cuz it will give me the extra incentive to work my ass off and drop as much weight as i can in 14 days. I dont wanna be the fattest person on the team, and i know my thighs will look ginormous. i def wanna lose 20 pounds by Nov. 1st and 20 more by thanksgiving, since im going home with my bf, i wanna look my very best.
the only downside of trying out is, i have to go to everyyy game and once i get a job id have to schedule around them. ehhhhh, ill think it over.
i feel soooo great i think ill start my fast today and quit tuesday, well not a fast really ill just be eating raw baby carrots, celery, and drinking aqua. if i do that for 14 days, i should drop at least 10 pounds, hopefully more. and i wanna learn to flip, but i wont get ahead of my self lol. i mean i have experience in dance i did modern, ballet, and jazz for like 6 yrs till i broke my knee and everything got shot to hell. i havent done cheer exactly, more like step/drill team. im from la so our step team had a little less cheer and a lot more booty shakin and what not. i mean i can dance, but these girls can do a fucking full twisting lay out.
ummm brb!
im back, i took a little break to practice my toe touch which is sloppy as hell. ughhh lord give me strength.
wish me luck, follower (gosh, im way to happy to say that lol)
stay strong, and remember food is the ENEMY!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
ohh, you're givin me a rush!
So, yesterday went pretty well last night my bf surprised me with a meal from wendys and was encouraging me to eat! He knows about my diet, to a certain extent. So, i ate just the sandwhich then i felt like shit afterwards even tho it was the only thing i ate all day :) . i kinda feel like shit now.today ive had 1 reeses cup, a bite of his cheeseburger, 2 sips of lemonade, and a kit kat. ughhh im pretty sure thats still like a zillion calories. I should do pretty great this weekend though, seeing as ill be alll alone, which is both good and bad.
Not eating gives me sucha rush, it makes me feel like i can do anything. i love that feeling, and instead of food i will crave that feeling.
My bf is going to his home town this weekend to visit some friends who are home from school. buuut my 20th birthday is on saturday, so ill be all alone :( and no hes not an asshole. i totally gave him permission i want him to go have fun for once since we only hang out with each other 99.9% of th time. i think hes leaving thursday night and returning sunday evening. im letting him use my car so that means no food runs for me even if im starving. im sooo thrilled about that because when im super weak in the middle of the night i get cravings for cereal, my favs are of course the most fattening, lucky charms and captain crunch.
i wish i had friends sometimes, but im sooo antisocial. this is my junior yr in school but im a transfer student currently so this is my first semester here. neither of us has really shined in the social department so far. all my friends are at my old school which isnt far at all but i probably wont be seeing them this weekend seeing as i wont have a car. another plus is ill get some much needed studying done, i have a huuuuuge midterm on friday. and i have to do extremely well, im talking 90 percentile people. because i just withdrew from my history course, i know im a failure in life. im really beatin my self up about it.
i guess i like feelin sad an/or angry at myself because it gives me the fuel i need to stay away from food. which is of course the enemy. everytime i get hungry i chant incessantly, "think skinny, think skinny" which surprisingly helps. i keep telling myself that hunger is a state of mind. i look at my thinspiration poster everyday, i even touch the pictures for a minute. i know, creeeeepppyyy but it helps me to stay focused. my new goal weight is 120, i just wanna see if i can do it. at first it was 140, but this will give me 20 lbs. for "weight gain:" in case my bf notices anything. im sure he will and im not sure how ill explain to him how i lost weight so fast. i go to school really far from my parents so the only person i see everyday is him. hes usually with me at all meals, hopefully he wont notice if i dont eat :/ which might happen because i dont keep ANY food in the house. wait im lying, i have 2 boxes of mac n cheese, 2 boxes of rice, 2 cans of soup, and 4 cans of vegetables and LOTS of water. i never cook those things anyway because im too lazy.
I've decided to go on a 4 day fast. and drink only water, maybe tea if i make it to the store before he leaves. ill estart thursday and hopefully, not a morsel of food will past my lips until monday. i think my reward will be half a can of chicken soup. oh, and maybe ill stock up on gum. which im chewing now (orbit, the best!) it get rid of all hunger. im not sure of the calorie count but it cant be too high. \
wish me luck, ummmmm..non existent followers :)
Not eating gives me sucha rush, it makes me feel like i can do anything. i love that feeling, and instead of food i will crave that feeling.
My bf is going to his home town this weekend to visit some friends who are home from school. buuut my 20th birthday is on saturday, so ill be all alone :( and no hes not an asshole. i totally gave him permission i want him to go have fun for once since we only hang out with each other 99.9% of th time. i think hes leaving thursday night and returning sunday evening. im letting him use my car so that means no food runs for me even if im starving. im sooo thrilled about that because when im super weak in the middle of the night i get cravings for cereal, my favs are of course the most fattening, lucky charms and captain crunch.
i wish i had friends sometimes, but im sooo antisocial. this is my junior yr in school but im a transfer student currently so this is my first semester here. neither of us has really shined in the social department so far. all my friends are at my old school which isnt far at all but i probably wont be seeing them this weekend seeing as i wont have a car. another plus is ill get some much needed studying done, i have a huuuuuge midterm on friday. and i have to do extremely well, im talking 90 percentile people. because i just withdrew from my history course, i know im a failure in life. im really beatin my self up about it.
i guess i like feelin sad an/or angry at myself because it gives me the fuel i need to stay away from food. which is of course the enemy. everytime i get hungry i chant incessantly, "think skinny, think skinny" which surprisingly helps. i keep telling myself that hunger is a state of mind. i look at my thinspiration poster everyday, i even touch the pictures for a minute. i know, creeeeepppyyy but it helps me to stay focused. my new goal weight is 120, i just wanna see if i can do it. at first it was 140, but this will give me 20 lbs. for "weight gain:" in case my bf notices anything. im sure he will and im not sure how ill explain to him how i lost weight so fast. i go to school really far from my parents so the only person i see everyday is him. hes usually with me at all meals, hopefully he wont notice if i dont eat :/ which might happen because i dont keep ANY food in the house. wait im lying, i have 2 boxes of mac n cheese, 2 boxes of rice, 2 cans of soup, and 4 cans of vegetables and LOTS of water. i never cook those things anyway because im too lazy.
I've decided to go on a 4 day fast. and drink only water, maybe tea if i make it to the store before he leaves. ill estart thursday and hopefully, not a morsel of food will past my lips until monday. i think my reward will be half a can of chicken soup. oh, and maybe ill stock up on gum. which im chewing now (orbit, the best!) it get rid of all hunger. im not sure of the calorie count but it cant be too high. \
wish me luck, ummmmm..non existent followers :)
Monday, October 4, 2010
Inspiration
I hope you guys, if anyones there lol, dont get spoiled by this 2 a day entry but i just am really pumped about this right now. Anywho ive just finished my inspiration board!!! yay im sooo excited. Maybe ill post a pic later, if i learn how . Anyway I have a section on my wall dedicated to my eating habits. i have lots of fun inspirational quotes, and of course THINSPIRATION! which include pics of ballerinas that i admire, swimsuit models whose body id KILL to have, other role models, and bikinis. This should be good for now but if anything inspires me ill be sure to tack it up there :) I have the biggest midterm (anatomy :/ ) of my life on friday and im here blogging lol its kind of addicitng i see why people do it now. i mean even if nobody reads this i feel encoiuraged just by putting my thoughst into the air..errr keyboard :) I wish all you pro-ana's luck and will power because i know ill need it. I ate scrambled eggs with sausage, eggs, and cheese this morning with a bottle of water. im sooo disgusted with myself, i feel heavy. but ive been good hungerwise up til now. im getting the urge to go on a rampage, i want food and its only 5 oclock (east coast time) idk how ill restrain myself til tomorrrow. I have the worst eating habits on the weekends. i generally have classes back to back on weekdays (both early morning and evening) so im too busy to even think about food or stop to consider eating some.to its actually kinda funny because i absolutely hate food. i hate how its prepared, i question the cleanliness, im scared of improper cleaning. actually thats kinda makin my hunger pains go away. remember, hunger pains are fat leaving the body. well not literally, but soon enough it will. i know you guys may be thinking that because im a biology major i should know better or atleast be hyper aware of the harmful health risks. to answer truthfully i am i think more so than others but i cant help how i think outside of the classroom. i repulse myself. spring break is coming up soon (mid april to be exact) and i wanna surprise my bf by wearing a sexy black 2 piece. I KNOW i can do it , just gotta stay focused! ive been takin all sorts of supplement and other pills. not anything for weight loss or fat bruning. because i honestly dont belive in those. they just convince people that they can lose 30 pounds by just sitting on their ass. FACT: the only way to lose weight is to monitor your intake, regular AND consistent exercise, and burn more calories than you consume. although i know all this it still doesnt make it any easier to drag my fat ass out of bed and go for a run. anyway, i digress, the supplements and other pills i take are to help balance my immune and hormonal systems and eliminate some of the side effects of not eating. I take pills and use oils and drink lots of water to keep my skin stay supple because lack of food and the nutrients it provides can leave your skin dry and cause breakouts. I also take pills to keep my hair thick, and growing, and prevent breakage or other damage such as thinning. because not eating can definetly make your hair thinner and more prone to breakage, trust me i know from experience. i take calcium to keep my bones and nails strong (lol i sound like a nutrionist) . as u can see i take quite alot of things, but i am by no means consistent, i might take it twice a day for a week and then forget for a month. but i just made a promise to myself, everytime i get hungry im going to blog. its already working.
good luck ladies, stay strong! :)
good luck ladies, stay strong! :)
Introduction
Hi, my name is Sara im 20 years old and this is just a blog about me. I dont expect it to get popular nor obtain a lot of followers. I simply just want to want to express my self anonymously. As this is my first blog im trying to develop my writing style. Just a heads up, i will probably not capitalize everything, punctuate correctly, or form complete sentences. This is not school, Im here to vent not win a grammar contest. Im in a loving committed relationship with my boyfriend and Im also in school. Im sure throughout this experience ill be hopping around different subject matter but I mainly want to talk about my eating habits. Ive never said this outloud before but Im fat. I mean I've said it to my bf on several occasions but Im sure hes sick of hearing it but still it feels weird to say it to a site full of strangers, if anybody is reading this. For starters, im black most people think that black girls want to be thick and well rounded and look like every other video ho out there, but no. Not all of us desire to be overweight and die of a heart attack from fried foods at age 30. I am extremely self-conscious. I have bad and good days. One day ill think im pretty and the next i just wanna hide out because of the shame. I hate my body and this is already taking an emotional toll on me. i think i have an obsession with my size and others. all day, whether im in class, at the mall, with friends....wherever. i constantly take into account everyones shape and size. i desire to look like a skinny minny, hence my blog name. Im not sure if ill take the anorexic route or not, seeing as ive struggled with it for a while now. ive never been bullemic. the thought of my face being near a toilet is disgusting, but i applaud those of you who can. my bf tells me all the time that im pretty and he likes my stomach and all that. but its not enough i need more than that, i wanna wear itty bitty bikins and size 2 or 5 jeans. i dont wanna bury myself in fashionable cardigans and hoodies to cover my jiggly fat. Im 5'8 so luckily, for now, people have a hard time seeing im overweight. I wont say my weight until im comfortable with it. but my goal weight is 140 maybe 135. for some anorexics that may seem toooo much but for my body size and type id look little, as i would like. ive been 140 at my size before, everyone said i should model, said how skinny i was, how pretty, how theyd kill to be my size. i took it for granted. then my late night munching and overbearing sweet tooth took its toll, its like i woke up and i was ginormous. i hate being FAT!. my bf is supportive of me working out and stuf but im soooo lazy. being a biology major I have what i like to call potential energy (or stored energy, i have the potential to be put into motion but currently am at a stand still) I strive for kinetic energy (actual energy put into motion). basically, i have the will to go run 10 miles but when it comes down to it id rather lay in the bed. i just hope i can get some support maybe some good advice. my lack of will power is very disconcerting but ill try my hardest to stop eating and start running.
Wish me luck. ttus :)
Wish me luck. ttus :)
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