slipping through my fingers

i typed this whole post about how im so sad about gaining weight. but why waste your time with convuluted explanations for my never ending failures.
ill just stick to the main points. tonight i stood in the mirror and cried. i seriously hate the way i look and every day it kills me a little more because i have to act all confident and silly. my bf knows but he doesnt know how horrible i feel.

ana is calling me back to her. and im scared to go. i worked so hard to be healthy and go to the gym and it came back so fast. 3 days of stupid eating after weeks of hard work. and it ruined everything. im scared right now. because im hungry. because i like it. because ana is coming back. i can feel her. i just want it to stop. i liked being in control of what i ate, how lonbg i worked out, my emotions. with her. there is no control. im her little bitch. i starve myself until im sore. passing out in the shower. nauseous at the gym. cant focus in class. im scared to go back to all of it. but i might not have a choice. i refuse to get back to where i was.

keep dreaming skinny dreams my lovelies.

spending money & losing weight.

im definetly not at my dream size but im proud of what ive accomplished sofar. and seriously, all of you guys are sooo sweet and sincere. i realllly appreciate it. ive been eating right 95% of the time. and working out every single day, burning between 600-966 cals a day. its hardwork and i hate waking up early and going to the gym but its totally worth it to see positive results.

in other news ive just spent sooo much money on vitamins, hair, and facial products. i think im completely addicted. i watched the documentary Food Matters and it was sooo freakin good. it gives you a good prespective on how to go about taking care of our bodies and living a healthy abundant life. so a few weeks ago i got so involved with being completely natural. its been going good with using natural hair products and ive almost completely transitioned from eating processed foods. but i had a mini binge on cereal after all my hard work this weekend.

i hope you lovelies are doing well, im off to catch up on your blogs.

busy days & long nights.

ive been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. which makes me stress which makes me want to binge. but im doing good so far. im really trying to train myself to resist temptation and not use food as a reward or a problem solver. which is so ironic because food is the root of all my problems (yes, i am being melodramatic. no, i dont care.) eating a cookie or cupcake will not make me happy it will make my thighs spread.

i went down like 4 more pounds but today i me and the bf celebrated Valentines day ..sort of. we're really not big on holidays other than xmas and thanksgiving. so of course we went to an all you can eat buffet. as usual i got full after 5 bites, but i kept eating. i knew i was destroying all the hard work id put in this morning at the gym. but i am not discouraged or even angry. disappointed maybe but thats it. ive decided not to beat myself up because i know when it comes to my bf ill toss the diet and try to just have a normal date. but im usually so obsessed about calories, carbs, sodium, etc that my bf is like are you going to eat that? and i just said fuck it. we hardly go out to eat anymore so i know itll be the last time until spring break. which is like a month away.

the last week ive been half zombie because i wake up at 9 for the gym and then i have class all day then im up til 3 or 4. its crazy how ive managed to not implode. im sooo exhausted but i feel like theres so much to do or learn. im constantly researching recipes, workouts, kitchen appliances, hairstyles, nutrition facts..and the list goes on. i just love the internet, the world is literally at my fingertips.

anyway, i hope you ladies have been doing awesome. im off to catch up on your blogs. And even if i have to staple my eyelids together, i WILL be sleep before 3...fingers crossed.

be safe, strong, and beautiful :)

my new diet.

im constantly changing my diet annd exercise routine. idk why. i get bored very easily.

i ordered an organic hemp protein shake. low cal. i was sooo excited. i know eating protein right after my morning workouts will help me gain muscle. so today i mix a shake with the powder, almond milk, a banana, and rasberries. lets just say it was less than pleasant. i know its good for me and what not. its just an acquired taste. it really isnt nasty. but im not a banana fan and i hate the seeds that the rasberries leave. so im sure that contributed.
 went grocery shopping yesterday:
lettuce head
cherry tomatoes
rasberries
bananas
bluberries
water
grapes
flat bread
brown rice
kidney beans
bell peppers
avocados
skinless/boneless chicken breast

yumm! ive constucted a healthy eating plan with my nutrionist.
and im going to the gym 6 days a week. and doing 2-4 miles per day. along with resistance training. and core strengthening. im realllly trying to get healthy. i hope this workds. if not, i just wasted a shit load of money.
oh, speaking of money. i filed my taxes with H&R. all my fellow college students if your parents dont claim you, you can file your own taxes. and if you have a student loan of $4000 or more you can receive $1,000 back. its freakin awesome. but it costs $140 upfront. not too bad, especially for what you're getting back.

me and the bf are fighting again. hes really annoying me. and as much as i love him. i really do. i know i can be cold at times, and its easy for me to cut people out of my life. so if he doesnt get it together like..now. idk what will happen. im also mad that were fighting right before my parents have agreed to pay for both of our plane tickets home so my family can meet him. they're quite expensive. and i dont want them to waste their money on him if hes going to be an asshole right now. i know hell act right when were there, but still. ughh!

any way i have class in 33 minutes. so let me shower. try to force feed myself a few more ounces of this shake. and throw a semi-decent outfit together.

have a great day ladies and gents!! :)

taxes!

are a mother loving bitch!

i need a kind gentle soul to teach me how. im heading over to H&R block in an hour.
hopefully they dont try to scam me.
idk why im nervous.
but seing as im a poor college student. emphasis on poor.
i could really use all the extra change i can get my hands on.
i guess i have a give a little to get a little.

ahhhhhhhhhh, wish me luck.

rainy days

make me want to stay in with natalie portamn/julia roberts movies and binge. and im about to have a reallly unhealthy before school snack. probably because i didnt get to the gym this morning but im going right after class. i find that when i dont go in the morning i kinda slack for the rest of the day. my hair is awful today and i have no idea what to wear. but i must get up and face chemistry.

i need a freakin job, too. like im pretty broke right now. hopefully my parents feel like being generous.

i hope you guys are being thin and beautiful. cuz right now, im realllly not feeling it.

motivation

watching lifetime. oh, how addicting. i should be studying or doing laundry. instead im sitting on my brand new pink carpet (i looove it) and im stretching. im trying to gain my flexibility back. as long as ive been dancing, ive never been able to do the center splits.

today is the super bowl. so im making beef nachos for the bf. luckily im not a beef fan so i wont be tempted. but i might indulge on some chocolate chip cookies. i know im a bad girl. i promise ill do my best to refreain. im so close to my goal i can feel it . just a little longer and a little more strength.

a tid bit of thinspo to keep me focused :

God i wish i was her..sarah jessica/carrie bradshaw. fucking loooove her/them!

i wish i knew how to tag people, but i got the MK&A pictures from a fellow blogger.

my wonderul friday night

i spent the majority of it sleeping. And since ive been a complete lard ass alllll week. my bf hauled my ass into the gymdespite the tsunami outside. i really love him. he really kicked my ass into gear tonight. iwas like babe i dont feel like going to the gym tonight my weight is fine and ive had zero cals today. and he was like fine you dont deserve to lose weight. you'll never meet your go if you stay in bed being a bum. so this is how ended up out of bed.

weight: 172.0

ive basically been maintaining. but i need to really start going at it. especially since ive shitted away week 1 of my "hardcore" six week program. ugh.

Imperfection at it's best

I wish my boyfriend thought i was perfect. who doesn't, right? it's just really sad that he doesn't. i think im pretty good at making him happy and being supportive and all that good stuff. but mostly i just want him to think my body is perfect. i know he genuinely loves me and he constantly tells me im beautiful and sexy but i wish i was his ideal of perfection. we just rated each others body parts. he rated certain body parts lower than i expected him too. but of course i took it all in stride and acted really nonchalant about it. i just want him to be pdroud of my body. he likes to show me off to his friend cuz he thinks im pretty but thats not enough. i just really want to be skinny so bad. im doing good on my fast. im craving pepperoni pizza with stuffed crust and chocolate chip cookies (my ultimate weakness) but everytime i think about caving in i think about my bf and how badly i wantt o be perfect for him. its such a slow process though. i spend so much timetalking abput how thin i want to be and how fat i feel. i know hes fed up with it. he just says if you want it so bad stop talking about it nd do it. so thats what im going to do. im not going to eat And then feel the entire weekend being depressed. im going to starve until all the intertube around my stomachand thighs are gone. i want to look fragile and delicate. i want to stroll along the beach in a bikini and for him to be able to lift me with ease.

ill get there. i promise.

Going strong..kinda

well im still doing well i would lose one pound and the next hour it would be back hanging happily on my hips. ahhhh well. im still basking in the glory of everything that im not too upset about it. my fast isnt over until the 5 th but im thinking about extending it til the 7th or 8th. we shall see if i can muster up the will power.

im currently sitting at the salon waiting toget my hairdone as per usual. im actually kind of pissed. i chose this hair salon because they did sucha good job with my roomies hair that i decided to foronce give myself a week off and let somebodyelse deal with it. they're website said no waiting....and im fucking waiting. ithoroughly explained to the receptionist that i had to be out by 12:30 because i have 1 p.m. class. but shes such a sweetie that i cant bear to get an attitude with her.

ok so once again ive slacked in the gym department. i know ima failure. but i had a chem and history test this week so in the mornings i had a quick cram session. butt im going tomorrow and saturday. hopefully

great day...not so good night

well that statistics test i was so worried about last week was returned today....i gotta A!!!! and i got my first chem lab paper back and i got a A!! take that academic probation.

so all in all today was pretty damn fantastic i chatted with my buddy Eager Enid, i know its the first day. but shes so supportive and a sweet girl. i love her already, we have sooo much in common. its really great.

i also had some chiken lettuce wraps, they were sooo delicious and under 500 cals i called in to pf changs and picked it up. i cant wait to start making them on my own. ive already got a few simple recipes planned to get me started. of course the inevitable happened. i had a small gain because of the food. but im confident it will be off by morning. its only 1.6 pounds. yesterday i had a midday gain and it was gone by the next morning.

the bf and i are fighting....i think. hes acting all moody and silent and weird. but he wont leave hes in my room studying. if i were mad at someone id want to not be around them. but hes ass backwards. hell just stay here studying at my desk all night making me feel awkward. i swear to god i love him. but hes weird and annoying sometimes. wait, i just found out hes mad that i accepted a friend request from my ex bf from 2007 and hes upset. im just gunna deactivate my accnt. stupid boy.

February Goals !

I went to the gym this morning and had a terrfic workout!!! ive never had more energy in my life! i dont even need my B12 vitamins this morning. I've decided since im doing so well right now i really want to prolong this feeling so im gunna make goals for this month both for weight and school, here it goes:

stick to mini fast until feb. 5th
TRY to weigh in only once a week (saturday)
Gym every morning 6 days a week
stick with air alert
have a protein shake daily
have a lettuce wrap for once (starting feb. 6th)
study for each class atleast 1 hr a day

thats pretty much it, if i add anything ill update it in a new post :)
Oh, and i have two buddies M. and Eager Enid. im wayy to excited right now!

a few tips:

when youre fasting remember you're losing mostly water weight and stay away from salt. itll make you gain it back super quickly.
working out in the morning is better than the night because while youre sleeping your body in using your food from that day to get energy. and once you wake up those carbs are pretty much gone, so when you work out in the morning (before eating) you'll burn mostly fat!
try to have more protein during the day. particularly after working out. i ordered mine from Vitacost.com (only $16 with tax/shipping included). It's chocloate flavored, organic hemp protein shakes, from Nutiva.
If any of you watch the kandeejohnsonshow on youtube she recommends them as well.

stay positive ladies, success is just around the corner :)
sending all 56 of you the best karma in the world!