the diary of a ranting slacker.

it feels like i havent posted in foreverrrr. i wanted a job so bad, now all i do is work. im full time so i work 40 hrs a week which is hard because im a full time student also. but i keep tellin myself only 2 more months (seasonal) then i can afford to get my cna license and get a real job.

i have thee worst news ever. im procrastinating. i am thinking of anything else to say instead of what i have to/ oh, i am finally caught up with allll the gossip girls episodes. i loooove that show, it brings excitement to my life. i live vicariously through blair and serena.  soon, maybe tomorrow, i will be posting thinspo mainly blake lively. shes fucking awesome. (im not the biggest fan of S, but thats an entirely different story) her body is amazingg, shes my muse. shes tall, beautiful, and soo thin! i practically drool watching GG. i want her legs!!

but on to the sordid details of these past two weeks. i have regained 4 pounds. there is no word disgusting enough to describe how i feel about myself. im so ashamed i feel like a failure. why must food control my life? why is this happening to me. i feel like shit. i dont want to live the rest of my life like this. feeling self-conscious about every little thing. every time i walk in a room i suck in my stomach. i barely eat in front of people. but when im alone im like a human vacuum. i literally just have no control. my thought process is so fucked up. i buy high cal foods. like donuts, cupcakes, french fries. and i literally inhale them. i dont even taste them. id have no hope for thinness. if there werent so many beautiful thin girls in the world (i.e. blake lively). that gives me hope that not all of us are fat fucks. this is my first rant. i usually try to stay up beat and positive. i love to be optimistic and hopeful. this is my first time letting this negativity in or should i say out? ...any way i hide my feelings and thoughts from others so much that i subconsciously hide them from myself also. idk how i manage to do that. its crazy, im crazy.

my boyfriend keeps making me food and buying food. i wont even begin to tell you what ive managed to consume in the last 2 weeks for fear of being exiled. its that bad, trust me. i have the habit of  blaming my eating habits on him instead of me. although he does offer food...a lot. he tries to be romantic and make me breakfast in bed. and last night he said he wanted to make me dinner, anything i wanted. so he went out and bout $100 worth of food and made all of it. there was rice. crab. shrimp. steak. soooo much meat. luckily for me im a turkey fan so he ate most of it. i dont like steak, pork chops, and beef. but i do like bacon, which i have to stay away from.

idk when or why i started slacking. i was doing so well that i think i started taking my weight loss for granted. forgetting how easy it was to gain back. but ill  take this as a lesson learned. im going to get up, dust myself off, and start again. its simply mind over matter. or mind over stomach. i am going to do this. i will have Blake's legs, tummy, and hips, pretty much everything.

wish me luck my beautiful angels :)