120 hours. thats how long ive gone without eating. i feel ...strange.
I mean im ecstatic that ive been able to withhold this long but still. my boyfriend picked me up from work tonight and offered me taco bell. i wanted some sooo bad, but i said no. Its weird i can go pretty long without eating during the day, i start to get hungry about 8 or 9 p.m. but the hunger pains arent bad. my stomach hasnt even growled. at least not loudly. i just feel it rumbling, anxiously. i cant tell if im not eating because im not hungry or because of the fast. im glad i work evenings because it ensures that i wont eat. but im getting switched to morning shifts (which would be much easier) but hopefully it doesnt slow down my progress.
my feet hurt so bad. its agony. ive been on them non stop for 10 hrs. my heels are burning. the only good part is that im burning calories, hopefully.
i was craving food soooo bad earlier. pizza, taco bell, subway, anything really. but im not gunna cave. only 5 more days. if i quit it'll make these last five days of starvation worthless.
i did a weigh in about 20 min ago. and i thought i would have atleast lost another pound or two. but, no. im .2 pounds lighter than i was yesterday. hmph! stupid scale >___<
have a lovely foodless day, i love all 27 of you!♥
Self Control is the only thing standing in the way of who you are and who you deserve to be.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
i hate my job, Day 4 ♥
typical. i beg and pray for a job then i finally get one. and i hate it. i abso-freakin-lutely HATE it. the one positive is that it makes me want to do even better in school so i dont have to work in retail for the next 50 yrs.
Im listening to She & Him. both of their albums are on shuffle. love them. they make me feel so peaceful and like im in the 20's lol. its like beach boys meets ....ummm something else amazing :)
Today is day 4. i ate NOTHING! I am completely empty and my weight loss is improving everyydayyy. Ive lost the 5 pounds that i regained, already (in only 4 days!!). so technically im back at square one (so im still -8 from the original weigh in.) but im happy, nonetheless. because had i not been fasting id probably would have gained all 8 pounds back. which im sure would have pushed me over the edge. i'd have been a cutting maniac. but, i digress, back to positivity.
I just realized that i type so sporadically. and i lack organization. my posts are very random and every paragraph (well, my version of it) is something different. but hey, thats me. anywhoooooo....
I almsot gave into a nasty cravingpepperoni lover w. stuffed crust pizza. me and my bf were gunna go down the street and pick one up. but i said no. i thought really hard. and although i realllllly wanted it. i dont want the fat, calories, or artery clogging grease. ewwwww.
I mean i practically float when i walk im soooo happy. i havent eaten in four days. i have never done this. ever. only 6 more! i wonder when its gunna get unbearable. i mean so far its been fairly easy except for the minor stomach growl. im doing ok. hopefully my body is sucking up all my fat.
I have been fantasizing all day about how much weight i could lose this month. and ive been working on my workout plan for the next 10 days. ill be visiting the gym every single day. and twice a day atleast 5 days a week. ill be doing, stair master, leg press, and some light lifting to tone my flabby arms. im beyond excited.
it may sound like im putting too much pressure on myself. but thats exactly what i need :). i like the 10 day challenge. its so invigorating. you guys seriously have to try it. theres nothing like it :) i realized my weakness is saying "Im not going to eat anything but carrots for the next month." only a greek god can do that. im too weak to put food off or even stay focused for a long period of time like that . i think i have ADD. but in little spurts i can exercise some serious self control :)
good luck my beautiful ladies. remember perseverance is the key to success. i loooove all 26 of you! ♥
Im listening to She & Him. both of their albums are on shuffle. love them. they make me feel so peaceful and like im in the 20's lol. its like beach boys meets ....ummm something else amazing :)
Today is day 4. i ate NOTHING! I am completely empty and my weight loss is improving everyydayyy. Ive lost the 5 pounds that i regained, already (in only 4 days!!). so technically im back at square one (so im still -8 from the original weigh in.) but im happy, nonetheless. because had i not been fasting id probably would have gained all 8 pounds back. which im sure would have pushed me over the edge. i'd have been a cutting maniac. but, i digress, back to positivity.
I just realized that i type so sporadically. and i lack organization. my posts are very random and every paragraph (well, my version of it) is something different. but hey, thats me. anywhoooooo....
I almsot gave into a nasty craving
I mean i practically float when i walk im soooo happy. i havent eaten in four days. i have never done this. ever. only 6 more! i wonder when its gunna get unbearable. i mean so far its been fairly easy except for the minor stomach growl. im doing ok. hopefully my body is sucking up all my fat.
I have been fantasizing all day about how much weight i could lose this month. and ive been working on my workout plan for the next 10 days. ill be visiting the gym every single day. and twice a day atleast 5 days a week. ill be doing, stair master, leg press, and some light lifting to tone my flabby arms. im beyond excited.
it may sound like im putting too much pressure on myself. but thats exactly what i need :). i like the 10 day challenge. its so invigorating. you guys seriously have to try it. theres nothing like it :) i realized my weakness is saying "Im not going to eat anything but carrots for the next month." only a greek god can do that. im too weak to put food off or even stay focused for a long period of time like that . i think i have ADD. but in little spurts i can exercise some serious self control :)
good luck my beautiful ladies. remember perseverance is the key to success. i loooove all 26 of you! ♥
Thursday, November 11, 2010
thinspo, Day 3 ♥
Day 3 -I know its 1:09 am and technically day 4 but this is regarding nov.11. so thee official day 4 will be posted around 10:30 tonight.) im almost positive no one's following my liquid fast lol. but just in case. i didnt want any confusion.
and im still hanging in there. i caved today :( i ate about 10-15 baby carrots dipped in ranch and a grande caramel mochiato. about 200-300 cals. ill take that :)
just for a heads up (again, just in case some one gives a darn.)
On Nov.18th i will be starting a 10 day hardcore challenge.
-mainly fousing on hardcore exercising
-and major calorie restriciting ( but not a fast. prob under idk, about 500 cals)
i would do the exercising now but without food id be dead by saturday lol. so, ill eat cuz i need energy to get my ass up and work out. this is going to be my new routine every month. 10 days of liquid-fast challenge then the 10 day hardcore challenge. life threatening, maybe. effective, yes. wish me luck my pretties.
Heres a bit of thinspo, since ive never posted before. I want to be beautiful like these women. i want to be timeless. i want to be classic and stunning. i cant wait to walk in the room and be the thinnest girl there. stay focused you guys. im going to try to amp it up..alot. and as always Starve On!
Of course, i had to put some up of Audrey Hepburn. i absolutely love her, still in the process of watching all of her films. She is so stunning. her waist line is invisible. gorg <3
love nylon so that makes this one double awesome!
this one is my fav :)
This is Brianna foster, im 85% sure shes not a porn star...i think:
and im still hanging in there. i caved today :( i ate about 10-15 baby carrots dipped in ranch and a grande caramel mochiato. about 200-300 cals. ill take that :)
just for a heads up (again, just in case some one gives a darn.)
On Nov.18th i will be starting a 10 day hardcore challenge.
-mainly fousing on hardcore exercising
-and major calorie restriciting ( but not a fast. prob under idk, about 500 cals)
i would do the exercising now but without food id be dead by saturday lol. so, ill eat cuz i need energy to get my ass up and work out. this is going to be my new routine every month. 10 days of liquid-fast challenge then the 10 day hardcore challenge. life threatening, maybe. effective, yes. wish me luck my pretties.
Heres a bit of thinspo, since ive never posted before. I want to be beautiful like these women. i want to be timeless. i want to be classic and stunning. i cant wait to walk in the room and be the thinnest girl there. stay focused you guys. im going to try to amp it up..alot. and as always Starve On!
Of course, i had to put some up of Audrey Hepburn. i absolutely love her, still in the process of watching all of her films. She is so stunning. her waist line is invisible. gorg <3
These next pictures are of random beautiful girls, and a few of Audrina :)
Hmmm..lets seee how about some Gossip Girl (blake lively ) id killll for Blakes legs!!
And now for a dose of normalcy, atleast our version of it:
love nylon so that makes this one double awesome! I wish i did have a zipper. it would make my life sooo much easier.
I freaking love Mary K.
this one is my fav :)
Hope you all are thoroughly inspired, I am.
Remember, I love all 25 of you ! ♥
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
sizzle;; pop . day 2
thats the noise in my stomach. and i looove it. its like little pieces of nasty grotesque fat burning and dying. lol sorry to sound so morbid. i have not consumed ANYTHING today besides one cup of starbucks (239).
i feel sooo strong. im so happy. only 8 more days! anyone want to join, the more the merrier. besides i hear its always easier to "diet" when you have someone else depending on you.
oh, and btw i cant remember if ive said this or not. but if you guys ever need an email buddy or anything like that let me know. marsh.sara@rocketmail.com :)
its crazy how obsessed ive become. all i do is pinch my fat all day. is that weird? like, seriously. im walkn around work with my hand under my tshirt squeezin my back fat. it disgust me how round i am. i am a fucking circle. ughhhh! i cant wait to be light and carefree. i want to be skinny so fucking bad, i cant hardly bare it anymore.
confession time. i havent been working out lately. welll, more like forever. last week for two nights in a row i did crunches, bicycles, and ab rolls. then that was it. i was content enough to wallow in my fatness.
stay strong. clearly being strong isnt a strong suit of mine. so until ive proven worthy of the word strong. ill say, try to keep from being weak pretties :)
i feel sooo strong. im so happy. only 8 more days! anyone want to join, the more the merrier. besides i hear its always easier to "diet" when you have someone else depending on you.
oh, and btw i cant remember if ive said this or not. but if you guys ever need an email buddy or anything like that let me know. marsh.sara@rocketmail.com :)
its crazy how obsessed ive become. all i do is pinch my fat all day. is that weird? like, seriously. im walkn around work with my hand under my tshirt squeezin my back fat. it disgust me how round i am. i am a fucking circle. ughhhh! i cant wait to be light and carefree. i want to be skinny so fucking bad, i cant hardly bare it anymore.
confession time. i havent been working out lately. welll, more like forever. last week for two nights in a row i did crunches, bicycles, and ab rolls. then that was it. i was content enough to wallow in my fatness.
my life=fat.
but that will soon change my dears. by monday, 11.15 i want to have dropped 4 more pounds. at least 3. am i asking for too much, maybe. will i give up, NO!
wintergirls.
its 6:12 am and i just finished it. it was breath taking. it made me take a look at my demons. the things that drive me to do the things that i do. truth. im scared.
im scared because i cant control everything. im scared because grandma died of breast cancer when i was in seventh grade. im scared because i was molested as a child. im scared because my mom had cancerous tumors when i was in 10th grade. im scared because she was diabetic. im scared because i want her to stay healthy. im scared because i want my mom to live forever. i cant picture my life without her. im scared because my dad is in debt and i think hes struggling. im scared because my aunt is lonely and also in debt. im scared because my sister is overweight. and i used to make fun of her for it. im scared because my bf doesnt always do exactly what i say.im scared because i might not graduate on time. im scared because i might not have a 4.0. im scared because i dont know what the future holds. im scared of a lot of things. im scared because i feel alone. im so scared i never realized it. im scared of my feelings. im scared of feeling anything. my biggest fear is being alone. being without my family. i miss my grandma everyday. i love her so much. i hope she knew that. im scared because i repeatedly make bad decisions. im scared because i lie so much to hide who i really am that im forgetting myself. im scared my bf wont know how to handle me and all my problems. i hate making him worry. im so scared of living and what it has to offer. but im too scared to die. if that makes any sense at all. im glad i read that book. and i hate that i read that stupid fictional book. i dont want to know these things. i dont want to acknowledge the,. i want to lock them up in a place where im strong. i know exactly whats gunna happen. and when. i want everyone to be happy. i want world peace. i dont want. hate or violence. i want everyone to love and be loved. i want us to support each other. i want there to be a classless judgment free society.
this is me. flaws and all.
im scared because i cant control everything. im scared because grandma died of breast cancer when i was in seventh grade. im scared because i was molested as a child. im scared because my mom had cancerous tumors when i was in 10th grade. im scared because she was diabetic. im scared because i want her to stay healthy. im scared because i want my mom to live forever. i cant picture my life without her. im scared because my dad is in debt and i think hes struggling. im scared because my aunt is lonely and also in debt. im scared because my sister is overweight. and i used to make fun of her for it. im scared because my bf doesnt always do exactly what i say.im scared because i might not graduate on time. im scared because i might not have a 4.0. im scared because i dont know what the future holds. im scared of a lot of things. im scared because i feel alone. im so scared i never realized it. im scared of my feelings. im scared of feeling anything. my biggest fear is being alone. being without my family. i miss my grandma everyday. i love her so much. i hope she knew that. im scared because i repeatedly make bad decisions. im scared because i lie so much to hide who i really am that im forgetting myself. im scared my bf wont know how to handle me and all my problems. i hate making him worry. im so scared of living and what it has to offer. but im too scared to die. if that makes any sense at all. im glad i read that book. and i hate that i read that stupid fictional book. i dont want to know these things. i dont want to acknowledge the,. i want to lock them up in a place where im strong. i know exactly whats gunna happen. and when. i want everyone to be happy. i want world peace. i dont want. hate or violence. i want everyone to love and be loved. i want us to support each other. i want there to be a classless judgment free society.
this is me. flaws and all.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
back on the wagon . day 1
ive been listening to teenage dream for what feels like weeks now, i love it. and i cant seem to turn it off. its like the soundtrack to my life. it keeps going on and on and on.
sunday was bad. sunday felt horrible. sunday made me cry. sunday i cut my self, again. sunday i couldnt take it anymore. the loudness in my head. the bitch in my head that makes me pick fights with my bf. the thing that makes me controlling and at times unbearable. i love my bf, i do, i swear. i wish he understood why i need to control things. i need to. if not, i can control what id do. i feel really...bad.
i hate cutting myself. im lying. i love it. its addictng its the best feeling ive ever felt. it makes me happy and relived. everything is warm and fuzzy again. i can go long periods of time without doing it. then suddenly something petty and stupid pushes me over the edge. its like an out of body experience. (katy perry has been silenced for the first time in ...ages. guess my subconscious is taking this serious, go figure.) im watching myself. im telling myself to stop. i see me rummaging through the bottom drawer in my desk to find a hammer. next is my underwear drawer. way in the back. wayyyy, wayyyyy in the back. i get my shaving razors. i put my razor on the desk, no, wait, too much noise. i put my razor on the floor and beat it till the blade comes off. im sitting on the bed now. cutting myself. encouraging myself. loving it. enjoying the burning and tingling. watching the blood spurt from my flesh. its amazing. im not satisfied. i cut deeper. longer. harder. i want to see some results here people. and just like that im done. happy again. refreshed and ready for whatever. i call my bf apologize and everything is perfect. until the next time.
ive been rubbing the scars all day. they're kind of like trophies, that im ashamed of. (if thats not the biggest contradiction.)
im back on track. my weight is not where it should be.im still minus 8 pounds. but i should be 8 more pounds less. but as you know, i failed. so i start again. no time like the present.
Today marks the first of my 10 day liquid fast. Nothing but liquids is passing these lips. my poison of choice is rasberry lemonade. i know, water is better. but i havent made a store run and i dont want to spend money. my bf said hed buy me some. but now im on his schedule. so, i wait. whilst drinking my rasberry lemonade.
i really think i can do it. all i crave when im not eating is flavor. something water cant provide, no matter how cold it is.
i am reading winter girls online. i really like it so far. Desperate Housewives was good. and i missed GG because of work. but i will be watching it tomorrow...errr tonight. it is 1:20 am and i should be studying or sleeping. why am i doing neither? ugh i piss myself off sometimes.
Great News! i now have 24 followers. every single one of you are amazing. and i love all of your blogs.
stay strong and CONSISTENT! lots of love :)
sunday was bad. sunday felt horrible. sunday made me cry. sunday i cut my self, again. sunday i couldnt take it anymore. the loudness in my head. the bitch in my head that makes me pick fights with my bf. the thing that makes me controlling and at times unbearable. i love my bf, i do, i swear. i wish he understood why i need to control things. i need to. if not, i can control what id do. i feel really...bad.
i hate cutting myself. im lying. i love it. its addictng its the best feeling ive ever felt. it makes me happy and relived. everything is warm and fuzzy again. i can go long periods of time without doing it. then suddenly something petty and stupid pushes me over the edge. its like an out of body experience. (katy perry has been silenced for the first time in ...ages. guess my subconscious is taking this serious, go figure.) im watching myself. im telling myself to stop. i see me rummaging through the bottom drawer in my desk to find a hammer. next is my underwear drawer. way in the back. wayyyy, wayyyyy in the back. i get my shaving razors. i put my razor on the desk, no, wait, too much noise. i put my razor on the floor and beat it till the blade comes off. im sitting on the bed now. cutting myself. encouraging myself. loving it. enjoying the burning and tingling. watching the blood spurt from my flesh. its amazing. im not satisfied. i cut deeper. longer. harder. i want to see some results here people. and just like that im done. happy again. refreshed and ready for whatever. i call my bf apologize and everything is perfect. until the next time.
ive been rubbing the scars all day. they're kind of like trophies, that im ashamed of. (if thats not the biggest contradiction.)
im back on track. my weight is not where it should be.im still minus 8 pounds. but i should be 8 more pounds less. but as you know, i failed. so i start again. no time like the present.
Today marks the first of my 10 day liquid fast. Nothing but liquids is passing these lips. my poison of choice is rasberry lemonade. i know, water is better. but i havent made a store run and i dont want to spend money. my bf said hed buy me some. but now im on his schedule. so, i wait. whilst drinking my rasberry lemonade.
i really think i can do it. all i crave when im not eating is flavor. something water cant provide, no matter how cold it is.
i am reading winter girls online. i really like it so far. Desperate Housewives was good. and i missed GG because of work. but i will be watching it tomorrow...errr tonight. it is 1:20 am and i should be studying or sleeping. why am i doing neither? ugh i piss myself off sometimes.
Great News! i now have 24 followers. every single one of you are amazing. and i love all of your blogs.
stay strong and CONSISTENT! lots of love :)
Sunday, November 7, 2010
the diary of a ranting slacker.
it feels like i havent posted in foreverrrr. i wanted a job so bad, now all i do is work. im full time so i work 40 hrs a week which is hard because im a full time student also. but i keep tellin myself only 2 more months (seasonal) then i can afford to get my cna license and get a real job.
i have thee worst news ever. im procrastinating. i am thinking of anything else to say instead of what i have to/ oh, i am finally caught up with allll the gossip girls episodes. i loooove that show, it brings excitement to my life. i live vicariously through blair and serena. soon, maybe tomorrow, i will be posting thinspo mainly blake lively. shes fucking awesome. (im not the biggest fan of S, but thats an entirely different story) her body is amazingg, shes my muse. shes tall, beautiful, and soo thin! i practically drool watching GG. i want her legs!!
but on to the sordid details of these past two weeks. i have regained 4 pounds. there is no word disgusting enough to describe how i feel about myself. im so ashamed i feel like a failure. why must food control my life? why is this happening to me. i feel like shit. i dont want to live the rest of my life like this. feeling self-conscious about every little thing. every time i walk in a room i suck in my stomach. i barely eat in front of people. but when im alone im like a human vacuum. i literally just have no control. my thought process is so fucked up. i buy high cal foods. like donuts, cupcakes, french fries. and i literally inhale them. i dont even taste them. id have no hope for thinness. if there werent so many beautiful thin girls in the world (i.e. blake lively). that gives me hope that not all of us are fat fucks. this is my first rant. i usually try to stay up beat and positive. i love to be optimistic and hopeful. this is my first time letting this negativity in or should i say out? ...any way i hide my feelings and thoughts from others so much that i subconsciously hide them from myself also. idk how i manage to do that. its crazy, im crazy.
my boyfriend keeps making me food and buying food. i wont even begin to tell you what ive managed to consume in the last 2 weeks for fear of being exiled. its that bad, trust me. i have the habit of blaming my eating habits on him instead of me. although he does offer food...a lot. he tries to be romantic and make me breakfast in bed. and last night he said he wanted to make me dinner, anything i wanted. so he went out and bout $100 worth of food and made all of it. there was rice. crab. shrimp. steak. soooo much meat. luckily for me im a turkey fan so he ate most of it. i dont like steak, pork chops, and beef. but i do like bacon, which i have to stay away from.
idk when or why i started slacking. i was doing so well that i think i started taking my weight loss for granted. forgetting how easy it was to gain back. but ill take this as a lesson learned. im going to get up, dust myself off, and start again. its simply mind over matter. or mind over stomach. i am going to do this. i will have Blake's legs, tummy, and hips, pretty much everything.
wish me luck my beautiful angels :)
i have thee worst news ever. im procrastinating. i am thinking of anything else to say instead of what i have to/ oh, i am finally caught up with allll the gossip girls episodes. i loooove that show, it brings excitement to my life. i live vicariously through blair and serena. soon, maybe tomorrow, i will be posting thinspo mainly blake lively. shes fucking awesome. (im not the biggest fan of S, but thats an entirely different story) her body is amazingg, shes my muse. shes tall, beautiful, and soo thin! i practically drool watching GG. i want her legs!!
but on to the sordid details of these past two weeks. i have regained 4 pounds. there is no word disgusting enough to describe how i feel about myself. im so ashamed i feel like a failure. why must food control my life? why is this happening to me. i feel like shit. i dont want to live the rest of my life like this. feeling self-conscious about every little thing. every time i walk in a room i suck in my stomach. i barely eat in front of people. but when im alone im like a human vacuum. i literally just have no control. my thought process is so fucked up. i buy high cal foods. like donuts, cupcakes, french fries. and i literally inhale them. i dont even taste them. id have no hope for thinness. if there werent so many beautiful thin girls in the world (i.e. blake lively). that gives me hope that not all of us are fat fucks. this is my first rant. i usually try to stay up beat and positive. i love to be optimistic and hopeful. this is my first time letting this negativity in or should i say out? ...any way i hide my feelings and thoughts from others so much that i subconsciously hide them from myself also. idk how i manage to do that. its crazy, im crazy.
my boyfriend keeps making me food and buying food. i wont even begin to tell you what ive managed to consume in the last 2 weeks for fear of being exiled. its that bad, trust me. i have the habit of blaming my eating habits on him instead of me. although he does offer food...a lot. he tries to be romantic and make me breakfast in bed. and last night he said he wanted to make me dinner, anything i wanted. so he went out and bout $100 worth of food and made all of it. there was rice. crab. shrimp. steak. soooo much meat. luckily for me im a turkey fan so he ate most of it. i dont like steak, pork chops, and beef. but i do like bacon, which i have to stay away from.
idk when or why i started slacking. i was doing so well that i think i started taking my weight loss for granted. forgetting how easy it was to gain back. but ill take this as a lesson learned. im going to get up, dust myself off, and start again. its simply mind over matter. or mind over stomach. i am going to do this. i will have Blake's legs, tummy, and hips, pretty much everything.
wish me luck my beautiful angels :)
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