thinspo, Day 3 ♥

Day 3 -I know its 1:09 am and technically day 4 but this is regarding nov.11. so thee official day 4 will be posted around 10:30 tonight.) im almost positive no one's following my liquid fast lol. but just in case. i didnt want any confusion.


and im still hanging in there. i caved today :( i ate about 10-15 baby carrots dipped in ranch and a grande caramel mochiato. about 200-300 cals. ill take that :)

just for a heads up (again, just in case some one gives a darn.)
On Nov.18th i will be starting a 10 day hardcore challenge.
     -mainly fousing on hardcore exercising
     -and  major calorie restriciting ( but not a fast. prob under idk, about 500 cals)

i would do the exercising now but without food id be dead by saturday lol. so, ill eat cuz i need energy to get my ass up and work out. this is going to be my new routine every month. 10 days of liquid-fast challenge then the 10 day hardcore challenge. life threatening, maybe. effective, yes. wish me luck my pretties.


Heres a bit of thinspo, since ive never posted before. I want to be beautiful like these women. i want to be timeless. i want to be classic and stunning. i cant wait to walk in the room and be the thinnest girl there. stay focused you guys. im going to try to amp it up..alot. and as always Starve On! 

Of course, i had to put some up of Audrey Hepburn. i absolutely love her, still in the process of watching all of her films. She is so stunning. her waist line is invisible. gorg <3

These next pictures are of random beautiful girls, and a few of Audrina :)

Hmmm..lets seee how about some Gossip Girl (blake lively ) id killll for Blakes legs!!

And now for a dose of normalcy, atleast our version of it:

love nylon so that makes this one double awesome!

 I wish i did have a zipper. it would make my life sooo much easier.

I freaking love Mary K.

this one is my fav :)

This is Brianna foster, im 85% sure shes not a porn star...i think:

Hope you all are thoroughly inspired, I am.

Remember, I love all 25 of you ! ♥ 

sizzle;; pop . day 2

thats the noise in my stomach. and i looove it. its like little pieces of nasty grotesque fat burning and dying. lol sorry to sound so morbid. i have not consumed ANYTHING today besides one cup of starbucks (239).
i feel sooo strong. im so happy. only 8 more days! anyone want to join, the more the merrier. besides i hear its always easier to "diet" when you have someone else depending on you.

oh, and btw i cant remember if ive said this or not. but if you guys ever need an email buddy or anything like that let me know. marsh.sara@rocketmail.com :)

its crazy how obsessed ive become. all i do is pinch my fat all day. is that weird? like, seriously. im walkn around work with my hand under my tshirt squeezin my back fat. it disgust me how round i am. i am a fucking circle. ughhhh! i cant wait to be light and carefree. i want to be skinny so fucking bad, i cant hardly bare it anymore.

confession time. i havent been working out lately. welll, more like forever. last week for two nights in a row i did crunches, bicycles, and ab rolls. then that was it. i was content enough to wallow in my fatness.

my life=fat.

but that will soon change my dears. by monday, 11.15 i want to have dropped 4 more pounds. at least 3. am i asking for too much, maybe. will i give up, NO!

stay strong. clearly being strong isnt a strong suit of mine. so until ive proven worthy of the word strong. ill say, try to keep from being weak pretties :)

wintergirls.

its 6:12 am and i just finished it. it was breath taking. it made me take a look at my demons. the things that drive me to do the things that i do. truth. im scared.

im scared because i cant control everything. im scared because grandma died of breast cancer when i was in seventh grade. im scared because i was molested as a child. im scared because my mom had cancerous tumors when i was in 10th grade. im scared because she was diabetic. im scared because i want her to stay healthy. im scared because i want my mom to live forever. i cant picture my life without her. im scared because my dad is in debt and i think hes struggling. im scared because my aunt is lonely and also in debt. im scared because my sister is overweight. and i used to make fun of her for it. im scared because my bf doesnt always do exactly what i say.im scared because i might not graduate on time. im scared because i might not have a 4.0. im scared because i dont know what the future holds. im scared of a lot of things. im scared because i feel alone. im so scared i never realized it. im scared of my feelings. im scared of feeling anything. my biggest fear is being alone. being without my family. i miss my grandma everyday. i love her so much. i hope she knew that. im scared because i repeatedly make bad decisions. im scared because i lie so much to hide who i really am that im forgetting myself. im scared my bf wont know how to handle me and all my problems. i hate making him worry. im so scared of living and what it has to offer. but im too scared to die. if that makes any sense at all. im glad i read that book. and i hate that i read that stupid fictional book. i dont want to know these things. i dont want to acknowledge the,. i want to lock them up in a place where im strong. i know exactly whats gunna happen. and when. i want everyone to be happy. i want world peace. i dont want. hate or violence. i want everyone to love and be loved. i want us to support each other. i want there to be a classless judgment free society.

this is me. flaws and all.

back on the wagon . day 1

ive been listening to teenage dream for what feels like weeks now, i love it. and i cant seem to turn it off. its like the soundtrack to my life. it keeps going on and on and on.

sunday was bad. sunday felt horrible. sunday made me cry. sunday i cut my self, again. sunday i couldnt take it anymore. the loudness in my head. the bitch in my head that makes me pick fights with my bf. the thing that makes me controlling and at times unbearable. i love my bf, i do, i swear. i wish he understood why i need to control things. i need to. if not, i can control what id do. i feel really...bad.

i hate cutting myself. im lying. i love it. its addictng its the best feeling ive ever felt. it makes me happy and relived. everything is warm and fuzzy again. i can go long periods of time without doing it. then suddenly something petty and stupid pushes me over the edge. its like an out of body experience. (katy perry has been silenced for the first time in ...ages. guess my subconscious is taking this serious, go figure.) im watching myself. im telling myself to stop. i see me rummaging through the bottom drawer in my desk to find a hammer. next is my underwear drawer. way in the back. wayyyy, wayyyyy in the back. i get my shaving razors. i put my razor on the desk, no, wait, too much noise. i put my razor on the floor and beat it till the blade comes off. im sitting on the bed now. cutting myself. encouraging myself. loving it. enjoying the burning and tingling. watching the blood spurt from my flesh. its amazing. im not satisfied. i cut deeper. longer. harder. i want to see some results here people. and just like that im done. happy again. refreshed and ready for whatever. i call my bf apologize and everything is perfect. until the next time.

ive been rubbing the scars all day. they're kind of like trophies, that im ashamed of. (if thats not the biggest contradiction.)

im back on track. my weight is not where it should be.im still minus 8 pounds. but  i should be 8 more pounds less. but as you know, i failed. so i start again. no time like the present.

Today marks the first of my 10 day liquid fast. Nothing but liquids is passing these lips. my poison of choice is rasberry lemonade. i know, water is better. but i havent made a store run and i dont want to spend money. my bf said hed buy me some. but now im on his schedule. so, i wait. whilst drinking my rasberry lemonade.
i really think i can do it. all i crave when im not eating is flavor. something water cant provide, no matter how cold it is.

i am reading winter girls online. i really like it so far. Desperate Housewives was good. and i missed GG because of work. but i will be watching it tomorrow...errr tonight. it is 1:20 am and i should be studying or sleeping. why am i doing neither? ugh i piss myself off sometimes.

Great News! i now have 24 followers. every single one of you are amazing. and i love all of your blogs.
stay strong and CONSISTENT! lots of love :)

the diary of a ranting slacker.

it feels like i havent posted in foreverrrr. i wanted a job so bad, now all i do is work. im full time so i work 40 hrs a week which is hard because im a full time student also. but i keep tellin myself only 2 more months (seasonal) then i can afford to get my cna license and get a real job.

i have thee worst news ever. im procrastinating. i am thinking of anything else to say instead of what i have to/ oh, i am finally caught up with allll the gossip girls episodes. i loooove that show, it brings excitement to my life. i live vicariously through blair and serena.  soon, maybe tomorrow, i will be posting thinspo mainly blake lively. shes fucking awesome. (im not the biggest fan of S, but thats an entirely different story) her body is amazingg, shes my muse. shes tall, beautiful, and soo thin! i practically drool watching GG. i want her legs!!

but on to the sordid details of these past two weeks. i have regained 4 pounds. there is no word disgusting enough to describe how i feel about myself. im so ashamed i feel like a failure. why must food control my life? why is this happening to me. i feel like shit. i dont want to live the rest of my life like this. feeling self-conscious about every little thing. every time i walk in a room i suck in my stomach. i barely eat in front of people. but when im alone im like a human vacuum. i literally just have no control. my thought process is so fucked up. i buy high cal foods. like donuts, cupcakes, french fries. and i literally inhale them. i dont even taste them. id have no hope for thinness. if there werent so many beautiful thin girls in the world (i.e. blake lively). that gives me hope that not all of us are fat fucks. this is my first rant. i usually try to stay up beat and positive. i love to be optimistic and hopeful. this is my first time letting this negativity in or should i say out? ...any way i hide my feelings and thoughts from others so much that i subconsciously hide them from myself also. idk how i manage to do that. its crazy, im crazy.

my boyfriend keeps making me food and buying food. i wont even begin to tell you what ive managed to consume in the last 2 weeks for fear of being exiled. its that bad, trust me. i have the habit of  blaming my eating habits on him instead of me. although he does offer food...a lot. he tries to be romantic and make me breakfast in bed. and last night he said he wanted to make me dinner, anything i wanted. so he went out and bout $100 worth of food and made all of it. there was rice. crab. shrimp. steak. soooo much meat. luckily for me im a turkey fan so he ate most of it. i dont like steak, pork chops, and beef. but i do like bacon, which i have to stay away from.

idk when or why i started slacking. i was doing so well that i think i started taking my weight loss for granted. forgetting how easy it was to gain back. but ill  take this as a lesson learned. im going to get up, dust myself off, and start again. its simply mind over matter. or mind over stomach. i am going to do this. i will have Blake's legs, tummy, and hips, pretty much everything.

wish me luck my beautiful angels :)

Desperate Housewives.

In the midst of my favorite show, Ive discovered that since I started this journey. Ive my lost EIGHT pounds!! can you say shocker. I am so elated. I mean I thought I was doing well, but I cant really see the difference in my body. I mean i feel like my tummy has been a bit flatter,but the next i feel bloated. I have to keep it up, I still may make my thanksgiving goal despite my eff up last week.

Ive dont nothing but relax and watch gossip girls all weekend. Im obsessed with that show. I used to watch it when it first aired, but I got so busy and stopped. Next thing i know its the 4th season. So ive been catching up, Im up to the half point of season 2. I wanted to be caught up by Monday for the new episode but it looks like its not gunna happen.

I have 19 followers now!! i love every single one of you, and thanks for following back :)

Thanks are in Order, lovelies :)

OMG! you guys are absolutely, positively thee BEST in the world. I am a huuuge believer in what i like to call "good vibes" lol. and with all of your good vibes i got the job! im soooo excited. ANNNND i got an A on my Anatomy test. I feel so energized and great! I looove all of my followers, you guys are sooo great. (i really need to learn some new adjectives lol)

Today I ate Subway and three chocolate cookies! i feel like sucha failure. I need to refocus and find more things to occupy my time. Ive been studying like crazy to keep myself busy, which i guess is good. but i need a little more entertainment in my life. I will be making my blog rounds today.

I wanted to talk about a lot today, but my parents are way too excited to skype me so i guess ill go chat with them for a while. maybe ill be back tonight :)

Love & Happiness ladies :)