Libra Scale.

Seein as im a  Libra i thought this was appropriately named.
 because i definitely need a scale in my life. not a literal one. but i feel like i lack balance. like im never 50/50. but then again i dont think any of us are (and i dont mean that in a bad way). i mean think about it. if we were completely balanced we wouldn't be us, you know. being  slightly over the edge is what makes us push ourselves to be better. we expect more out of ourselves than the average person. and i admire us (mostly you
guys) for that.

I'm sorry i havent posted in a while, i feel like sucha slacker! but ive been way too busy. ive had test after test. and when im not studying im too exhausted to keep my eyes open let alone pick up my laptop.

I am anxiously tapping my foot as I am typing this. I have an interview with Macys in 1 hour. I have butterflies. But i usually do really good at interviews so I am trying to convince myself to relax.

My food intake this weekend wasn't too shabby. I def didnt wanna eat as much as I did, but still progress is progress. My weight is not bad, suprisingly I didnt gain anything from my calorie intake this weekend. My demented scale says I lost 3.2 pounds, maybe its not so demented after all. now if i could only get my metabolism to work for once in my life.

Im sooooo nervous.

On to other news. I have 16 followers! im soo excited. I dont think I'll ever not be excited lol. Its so friggin sweet that you guys took the time to folllow me. Im grateful. I will be visiting all your sites for inspiration (as always).

Lots of love and kisses. stay strong, ladies :)

livestrong.

thats what my armstrong bracelet says. until i get a bracelt (still thinking about it). i wear that as inspiration.
I'm doing so well im kinda proud of myself. Still hoping this willl-power is here to stay. dont waana bank on it though.

My calorie intake today is doing good. im actually calorie freeee! nothing has passed my lips except water and my vitamins. i loove emptiness. its soo...yummy!

I watched this new show on E! last night. i cant remember the exact title, but it was something like "what i eat". its a 6 part docu-series on people with ED's. it seems...interesting. i think ill keep up with it, if i ever remember.

I now have 7 followers! im uber excited! And i got comments. is today my lucky day or what??
I love having suport and giving it! i feel like i have a purpose now. its kinda weird. i would never want to let anyone down. so im even MORE focused. if thats even possible.

good luck ladies : )

Tip of the day.

Food consumption=emotions.

try to tackle whatever it is you feel emotionally instead of eating that slice of chocolate cake.
go yell at the asshole who pissed you off.
punch that pillow.
talk to your family/friends.
dont be a slave to your emotions. because they are liars.
they will convince you that ice cream will make the pain disappear.
that extra hamburger will melt away anything you're angry about.
they are lying to you. and you're feeding into it.
literally.

Excuses.

dont make the excuse of "cravings" when you run out for that late night snack.
remember cravings are for weak people. and so are excuses.
we are above that. we're striving for perfection here people.
we hold ourselves to a higher standard.
Do not let food make you its BITCH!

FAILURE.

is NOT an option.

Success. is. inevitable.

stay focused, guys. you can do it.

dust yourself off and try again!

Sooooo. of course i get something at the drive through. and im .8 pounds heavier in ONE hour. honestly i think my scale is out to get me. ive never done anything wrong. except i swear at it at least twice a day. maybe it has low self esteem and in turn has decided to punish me for its lack of accuracy. how ruuuuude.

How can i joke during a time like this? because im happy. soooo Happy. i think the thinspo all over my walls and phone is finally working. because while i was eating last night i was literally forcing myself to eat. taking deep looong breaths between each bite. i didnt want it. i was full. and it was making me feel disgusting. i never wanna eat again. i finally feel like this can happen for me. im that much closer. just a word of advice, not that im qualified to give any, but still. whenever i feel like omggg this is taking forever or feel hungry i just think how happy ill feel when i look at the scale and it says ive dropped a pound. or more.

i know, you may be thinking..DUH!!! but i think a lot of us forget that. we try sooo hard to stay away from from. we keep saying. "no food, no food!" but once were up close and personal with it, we cave. we forget what made us start this anyway. we forget how beautiful we want to feel. and im not just talking about glancin at some thinspo. i mean reallly remembering what triggered this in the first place. being the shallow person that i am, it was clothes. but then it was the control. i can CONTROL what goes in my mouth. when. and why. not anyone else. i cant control who loves me. who hates me. why my teacher gave me a bad mark. but i can control what i eat. its really a beautiful thing. i love that in this little thing i have all the power in the world. its enticing, and dangerous. they're both intertwined. its like dancing with the devil. it may start off as a guilty pleasure. fun. light. exciting. then suddenly it changes. it isnt just a pound. its 10 more. then 10 more. then just a few more inches here. ive been there. ive been to that scary place where you cant even recognize yourself. where youre crying on the kitchen floor because you cant force yourself to eat. its not fun.

pause. let me slow my roll. i did not mean to get preachy. i just see so many people saying they wish they could be anorexic. but they have no idea. i hope i can get through to somebody. but for those of us already waltzing. fight on!

I have another follower. this makes me excited to come and write and have something good to report. who knew people i never met could encourage me so much. i appreciate that.

Good LUCK ! :)

little things.

its the little things that inspire me. or should i say reinpsire me.

my bf saying i was hurting him when i layed on him.

is definetly one of them. but im glad he said it. its the fuel i need to keep going. i hate myself. but am in love with who i could be. can be. should be. WILL be.

im off too pick him up some fast food. i need every prayer in the world to restrain me from getting something myself. i never eat fast food on my own. its when he wants something that im faced with the taunting drive through. gosh. hope i make it out alive. and thin!

Is that doubt I taste??

I did horrendous on my weekend fast, but I restarted. im feeling refueled and ready to reach my goal weight. Its almost scary how focused I am. Im making myself nervous. scratch that, really nervous. ive been upfront about my eating patterns these last few days and my bf is okay with it. its nice that i have someone to support me.Yesterday, I had an apple and probably 25-30 carrots. Today I had 4 french fries, (my bf was eating them and i caved :( ) an apple, and 25-30 carrots. Idk when the will power arrived, but hopefully its here to stay. I have sooooo much to say, but i might have to keep this short seeing as my bf is sitting on the bed and im pretending to email my mother. hopefully he doesnt get to suspicious. I feel so overwhelmed at times. Ive only been on this "fast" for 2 days and im already scared. i guess im just a punk. i feel uber determined and ive lost 3 pounds since sunday. for me that's excellent, especially in just 2 days. i didnt get a run or the gym in Monday because my partner (bf) had a stomach virus and was throwing up alll day. and i played nurse.

whenever i visit other ana blogs they always talk about how they love that light feeling or how they miss the emptiness of not eating. i totally get it now. I feel ecstatic.like i can do anything. at any given moment. i loove this feeling. i never want it to leave. i feel so happy that im sad. i guess i reached my peak happiness and there was nowhere to go but down. i probably sound totally nonsensical. and im ok with that. .

My plan is to stay on this fast until next monday 10.18.10 hopefully ill be down 10 lbs. but ill settle for 7 or 8.

My fellow, ummm, extreme dieters. do you guys ever get scared about going too far? Anorexia and bulimia are certainly nothing to play with. i wish i could walk away sometimes. but the high is insane. nothing compares. no matter the hunger pains. which surprisingly are very rare...hmm go figure. anyway. despite the hunger pains. headaches. and dizziness. its worth it. i cant wait till i get where i wanna be. where i need to be.

I want to have a sexy bikini on. preferably pink or black. but really as long as it is a bikini, who cares what friggin color it is. i want to be light as a freakin feather. i want to be barely there. i want a space between my thighs. i want beautiful collar bones. that effervescently peak out. i want my thin face back. i want peekaboo cheek bones. i want to put on leggings and a tshirt and absolutely NOTHING jiggle,wiggle or flop. i want to be soooo thin. not scary thin. not 'hospital admittance thin'. but thin. beautifully thin. sexy. happy. carefree. i want to be one of those girls that people say, "omg youre sooo lucky you can eat whatever you want and never gain a pound. i want to be beautiful dammit! i cant wait. ill do whatever it takes. my drive right now is incredible. ive never been more determined in my life. i. swear. to. God.

I think ill post some thinspo soon.

good luck ladies :) oh and i have a NEW follower. thanks beautiful!

another year older..

AND, while im at it, hopefuly wiser. wise enough to know the difference between right and wrong. justice and injustice. peace and war. happiness and misery. pity and sympathy. love and hate.
those are thee most imprtant things in life, and hopefully ill learn to accept a few and deny the others.

Anywayyyyyy, enough of the deeposity. and yes, i do tend to make up my own words. but i never say them out loud. strange right?

My birthday went very welll, started off sad and alone and ended up surrounded by the ones i love. really, who could ask for more? My calorie intake probably was outrageuos but before i started the day i made a vow with myself to be ok with that. i am a little pissed that my calories were wasted on the disgusting mexican food. i loooooove mexican food, and this place was hooorrriibble! i mean really the burrito is pretty basic. get it together people! i didnt make it to church today, bummer :/. but im having a detox day, to realx, watch tv, and maybe a snakc. but this snack will be extremely fattening. im craving the cookie desert from applebees. which ill go pick up in a bit. but ill compensate by not eating anything else for the rest of the day. and ill be going runnin tomorrow. since its monday. sometimes i wonder where i get my logic from. it can be sooo backwards at times.

have a good day, focused.