Refreshed.

i hate that i have been absent for so long. but i really needed the time to recuperate. i honestly was driving myself crazy. and i didnt feel it was right to drag you guys down with depressing anecdotes. but now im back and ready to start again. the second semester of schhol starts on Wednesday. and im very nervous. theres so much i need to get done. i need to get straight A's. im going to need to focus and harness some control. i cant sleep and slack like i did last semester. i did horrible, to say the least. sooo inevitably in my depression, i drowned my self in high calorie foods and little exercise, if at all. but i was conscious of the impact of my decision the entire time. if that makes any sense... i knew id be mad at myself for gaining my weight back. but i did it anyway. im not sure why. a part of me likes to fail....it gives me this weird motivation. strange huh?

im going to speak with my academic advisor tomorrow morning. fix my schedule. then im going to type up and print out a very detailed schedule for the semester. every little detail will be in black and white. studying, sleeping, gym, my tv shows, everything. i work so much better when  im on a tight schedule. i need to force myself to focus. i dont want to be in school for the rest of my life. i need to get this together. i have a younger sibling and cousins that i need to set a positive example for. i got caught up in being on my own and i seriously slacked. the biggest sacrifice ill have to make is time with the bf. were always at the movie, mall, dinner, basically antyhing but studying. were serious under achievers. well i guess him ore so than me. he was on honor roll all throughout high school. and maintained a 3.5 gpa the first two years of college. but we got comfortable and put studying on the back burner. that has to stop.

on a positive note. ill be starting the gym again on wednesday after a 10 days. im sure the cardio will be the toughest. but im looking forward to it. i need to lose this weight. i still havent done my salt water flush. i want to do it tomorrow but i have to go talk to my counselor. maybe ill wake up extra early and do it. but i dont want to be in her office and then have to go to the bathroom. that would be awful. i wake up at 5 am and do it. that should give me plenty of time, hopefully.

i hope all of you guys are doing wonderfully, you all deserve it. :)