life didnt deal us a bad hand.

im guilty of this thought process. and im sure a lot of you are too. but it isnt true. life didnt decide to fuck with us and destroy our self esteems. we did that or we gave the power to someone else. its the nature of people to see things as right or wrong. black or right. victim and culprit. but, unfortunately. we are the culrpit in this scenario. we have raped our self image and destroyed any possibly of repairing it in the immediate future.  but we CAN repair it. it'll just take a little work and a lot of love...for ourselves. sound insane right?

i constantly berate my self for eating. for doing something that we need to do to SURVIVE. what made me this way. im trying to think back to the day when i first became aware of my many flaws and im drawing a blank. i  dont think it happened over night. i think there was always a little voice inside that told me i wasnt good enough. pretty enough. smart enough. thin enough. i started this journey of self destruction a long time ago. i made myself feel better about the cutting. starving. extreme exercise. everything. by telling myself i needed to do it to be comfortable. because i was scared of what people thought about me. scared that they hated me. in all reality i was scared of myself. i hated myself. i was my own victim. there's like a separate entity within me. ironic, right? how can i be so scared of myself. i mean come on now. i know i have a flare for the dramatics. but its true. my biggest fear is myself. im scared to let myself down. to accept failure. to ever give myself a break. im constantly under attack. i hardly ever give myself a pat on the back for the little things.

i dont know where the sudden enlightenment came from. maybe its exhaustion. im tired of the inadequacy. shame. disgust. i shouldnt feel this way towards myself. i mean, im going to be stuck with me for the next 70 or so years...hopefully. i might as well try to make this an enjoyable time.

i want to be healthy. i want to one day be able to not disect every calories in every morsel i think about putting into my mouth. i dont want to cry everytime i look at myself naked. i want to be confident and sexy. i want to be able to make eye contact with my bf when he tells me im beautiful. i want to believe him. desperately. i just want to be happy. i spend so much of my time thinking about other people. helping other people. but i never help myself. im going to do my best from this day forward to say atleast one positive thing about myself. im going to work harder than ever. in school. in every aspect of my life. im tired of being an under achiever. i always hear how i have soooo much potential. well its time to cash that baby in. no more excuses. no more denial. i will make my life better.

im going to continue to go to the gym 6 days a week. regardless of how groggy i feel at 9 am.  im going to cut meat out of 90 % of my diet. im going to eat healthier. and eat for sustenance not for calories. im going to stay below 1000. that may not be uber healthy. but thats good for me. because despite my weight i dont have a large appetite. i just have a sometimes uncontrollable need to binge. its quite ridiculous.

i hate to be a hypocrite. to post this self inspiring memo. then completely ignore it tomorrow. im honestly going to pray that that wont happen. im going to encourage myself to be my very best. i know i sound like a commercial. but its whats best for me. this cycle of down 2lbs up 5 has to END!! i dont have the mental strength to do this forever. i need a light at the end of the tunnel. and i think this is it.

now i am off to take my statistics test. im down right scared. but ive truly been working hard, studying, and turning in all my assignments. despite my ADD ive been paying attention in class also. i will speak positivity into existence. i will ACE this final. fingers crossed.

i hope you girls have a magnificent day. i certainly will try.
Stay Strong & Positive.
Im sending so many good thoughts and wishes to you all :)