financial aid.

i did bad today. im upset. i had an entire box of cheez-its. in two sittings! what the fuck is my problem? while i was eating them i kept telling myself to stop. clearly it didnt work. idk why i do this. is it just us, or does everyone have this bizarre relationship with food? like, im sick of being controlled by calories. why cant i simply say no. the thought of food will haunt me until ive consumed as much of it as i can physically stand. i just want to be thin. why wasnt i born thin. why did i have to be fat and bloated and jiggly and disgusting. i want to be beautiful. i want others to approve of me. everyone is always telling kids that other peoples opinion doesnt matter. bullshittttt. it matters to me. i dont want people to look at me like im some whale. i want to be thin. nobody sees how much i suffer. how much i hate myself. i want to hurt myself about 90% of the time. ive toyed with the thought of suicide a few times. but im too much of a punk. sadly, i only wanted to do it to see if anyone would care. i quickly decided not to do it because i couldnt possibly see their reactions if i was dead. duh.

anyway, i need more financial aid. it pays my tuition. but i need more money. ill be 21 soon. i need to start saving for my future. i cant spend the rest of my life depending on my parents. they are retired and living on a fixed income and paying their own expenses and my younger sisters tuition. luckily mine is covered. but still, i need spending money and eventuallly ill need a house and a new car. i cant run back to them everytime something goes wrong. i need to assert my independence. im so used to working, making my own money, and depending on no one. i feel like a huge burden when i have to ask my mom to transfer me money.she cant give me much. and i feel so horrible for asking. i stay in campus apartments . i have 3 roommates and their all in there mid/ late 20's. one of them is 27 and she has thousands in the bank. shes so good at saving money. and she works right now. i need to get another job. im just so sick of customer service. but im going to apply for the manager position of the student center at my school. hopefully, that goes well.

i want to be financially independent and start saving up for my future. ive always had expensive taste and a shopping addiction. 2 very bad things when you have NO money and BILLS. i have to credit card. one of them is maxed out and i really need to pay it since i got my refund today. but if i do that ill be broke again. this whole "life of a college student" is really starting to get played out. im stressed. im going to the gym in the morning and burning off these calories and negative energy. then me and my roommate are going to the library for about 5 hrs. were pretty much going to move in and not leave til weve memorized our books. chemistry requires so much time and energy. that i dont have. correction. dont want to give. but i need to suck it up and stop whining. im academic probation. which means i cant get below a C in any of my classes or i wont be able to register next semester. and if i cant register, i cant stay in student housing. and since im from out of state, id have to go back home. my parents will be beyond disappointed. i dont want to do that to my mom. shes so proud of me. id hate to sabotage her perfect image of me.

i need perfection. not just in my body. but in every aspect of my life. i want to be flawless. i want control. i want consistency. i want happiness. i just want things to go my way! i know i sound like a brat. but i dont care. this about wraps up my ramble. im going to fall into a nocturnal coma or what you normal people like to call sleep. goodnight. stay strong ladies.