time: 4:34 p.m.
intake-Zero calories!! not a single morsel has passed these lips. and im not even hungry.strange. but ill take it.
ok, heres an instant replay of my day.
woke up at about 11. went to the gym with my roomie. then came back and crashed on my floor for like 2 hrs. i was freezing so i woke up and took a 30 minute steaming shower. it felt sooooo good. now im typing this. after, im going to study then watch the episode of Desperate Housewives that i missed last week.
im not exactly fasting, i dont know what im doing. but i have 51 days to look absolutely awesome before my friend comes to visit. that should be plenty of time. i dont have an exact plan. i know my diet will consist of tuna & crackers, carrots, water, and green tea. thats it. i have enough to lst me for a good bit.
my roommates have been cooking for the past few hrs and everything smells so good. but ive been breathing out my mouth so that the aroma doesnt make me hungry. im so weird lol. the gym was soo good today. i felt the burn. no gym tomorrow. that day is dedicated to cleaning and doing my hair and nails. but im back at it bright&early monday morning.
have a fantastic saturday night ladies :)
Self Control is the only thing standing in the way of who you are and who you deserve to be.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
financial aid.
i did bad today. im upset. i had an entire box of cheez-its. in two sittings! what the fuck is my problem? while i was eating them i kept telling myself to stop. clearly it didnt work. idk why i do this. is it just us, or does everyone have this bizarre relationship with food? like, im sick of being controlled by calories. why cant i simply say no. the thought of food will haunt me until ive consumed as much of it as i can physically stand. i just want to be thin. why wasnt i born thin. why did i have to be fat and bloated and jiggly and disgusting. i want to be beautiful. i want others to approve of me. everyone is always telling kids that other peoples opinion doesnt matter. bullshittttt. it matters to me. i dont want people to look at me like im some whale. i want to be thin. nobody sees how much i suffer. how much i hate myself. i want to hurt myself about 90% of the time. ive toyed with the thought of suicide a few times. but im too much of a punk. sadly, i only wanted to do it to see if anyone would care. i quickly decided not to do it because i couldnt possibly see their reactions if i was dead. duh.
anyway, i need more financial aid. it pays my tuition. but i need more money. ill be 21 soon. i need to start saving for my future. i cant spend the rest of my life depending on my parents. they are retired and living on a fixed income and paying their own expenses and my younger sisters tuition. luckily mine is covered. but still, i need spending money and eventuallly ill need a house and a new car. i cant run back to them everytime something goes wrong. i need to assert my independence. im so used to working, making my own money, and depending on no one. i feel like a huge burden when i have to ask my mom to transfer me money.she cant give me much. and i feel so horrible for asking. i stay in campus apartments . i have 3 roommates and their all in there mid/ late 20's. one of them is 27 and she has thousands in the bank. shes so good at saving money. and she works right now. i need to get another job. im just so sick of customer service. but im going to apply for the manager position of the student center at my school. hopefully, that goes well.
i want to be financially independent and start saving up for my future. ive always had expensive taste and a shopping addiction. 2 very bad things when you have NO money and BILLS. i have to credit card. one of them is maxed out and i really need to pay it since i got my refund today. but if i do that ill be broke again. this whole "life of a college student" is really starting to get played out. im stressed. im going to the gym in the morning and burning off these calories and negative energy. then me and my roommate are going to the library for about 5 hrs. were pretty much going to move in and not leave til weve memorized our books. chemistry requires so much time and energy. that i dont have. correction. dont want to give. but i need to suck it up and stop whining. im academic probation. which means i cant get below a C in any of my classes or i wont be able to register next semester. and if i cant register, i cant stay in student housing. and since im from out of state, id have to go back home. my parents will be beyond disappointed. i dont want to do that to my mom. shes so proud of me. id hate to sabotage her perfect image of me.
i need perfection. not just in my body. but in every aspect of my life. i want to be flawless. i want control. i want consistency. i want happiness. i just want things to go my way! i know i sound like a brat. but i dont care. this about wraps up my ramble. im going to fall into a nocturnal coma or what you normal people like to call sleep. goodnight. stay strong ladies.
anyway, i need more financial aid. it pays my tuition. but i need more money. ill be 21 soon. i need to start saving for my future. i cant spend the rest of my life depending on my parents. they are retired and living on a fixed income and paying their own expenses and my younger sisters tuition. luckily mine is covered. but still, i need spending money and eventuallly ill need a house and a new car. i cant run back to them everytime something goes wrong. i need to assert my independence. im so used to working, making my own money, and depending on no one. i feel like a huge burden when i have to ask my mom to transfer me money.she cant give me much. and i feel so horrible for asking. i stay in campus apartments . i have 3 roommates and their all in there mid/ late 20's. one of them is 27 and she has thousands in the bank. shes so good at saving money. and she works right now. i need to get another job. im just so sick of customer service. but im going to apply for the manager position of the student center at my school. hopefully, that goes well.
i want to be financially independent and start saving up for my future. ive always had expensive taste and a shopping addiction. 2 very bad things when you have NO money and BILLS. i have to credit card. one of them is maxed out and i really need to pay it since i got my refund today. but if i do that ill be broke again. this whole "life of a college student" is really starting to get played out. im stressed. im going to the gym in the morning and burning off these calories and negative energy. then me and my roommate are going to the library for about 5 hrs. were pretty much going to move in and not leave til weve memorized our books. chemistry requires so much time and energy. that i dont have. correction. dont want to give. but i need to suck it up and stop whining. im academic probation. which means i cant get below a C in any of my classes or i wont be able to register next semester. and if i cant register, i cant stay in student housing. and since im from out of state, id have to go back home. my parents will be beyond disappointed. i dont want to do that to my mom. shes so proud of me. id hate to sabotage her perfect image of me.
i need perfection. not just in my body. but in every aspect of my life. i want to be flawless. i want control. i want consistency. i want happiness. i just want things to go my way! i know i sound like a brat. but i dont care. this about wraps up my ramble. im going to fall into a nocturnal coma or what you normal people like to call sleep. goodnight. stay strong ladies.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
venting!
ughh! im so fucking agitated right now. and i realllly need to take it out on someone. it'll most likely be my bf. mean, right? he just irks me so much sometimes. actually, to be honest, its not even him. i just get so pissed at my self that i have to find someone to blame it on before i implode. this fucking statistics class is stupid. the fact that i ran over my iphone is really fucking stupid. and the fact that my tutor for math is never there is outrageuosly reallllyyyy fuckinggg stupidd!!!! ugh. i wanna blow this bitch up.
okayyyy!!! now i can go back to me normal self.....hello, everyone, i hope your day is going splendid. since mine is destroyed. i hope you guys are thin and using control.
ive been doing good this week as far as my intake. but i have not been to the gym once this entire week, PATHETIC! im going to go tomorrow morning if i can drag my fat ass out of bed. ive been trying to ease back into eating. because ive been having horrible abdominal pains. i think the layers of my stomach are rubbing against each other..well thats my theory. anyway, to help with the eating process im doing what i like to call intake bootcamp. im basically training my stomach to want less food and liquid. they say all it takes is 3 days to make or break a habit. which i believe because when i first started cheering i really wanted to do the splits. and i practice for 2 days, hardcore. and i got it. i was so thrilled. so i plan on applying that technique here. ive been eat around 200-300 cals a day. but last night i was congratulating myself on my will power and pumping my head up. so i decided that i deserved a treat. i got a footlong sub. and ate the ENTIRE thing. at first i only ate half, and i was waiting for the full feeling to kick in. it usually does when im doing "intake bootcamp". because i barely eat anything so when i finally eat a normal serving of food i feel beyond stuffed. but this time that didnt happen. weird. so i ate the other half. and i felt like death. my stomach was rejecting it. i was in pain for about 20 minutes. then i had to run to the bathroom. it was like i took a handful of laxatives. idk what happened. but my body did not want that delicious sandwich in me. which is fine by me.
so today im not eating anything. its 4pm nnow and im just now starting to get hungry. but i stare at thinspo for a few minutes and im ok. its so easy to not eat when i have class everyday. last semester i only had class 2 days a week. so the other 5 days i just layed in bed consuming as much food as i could. now im always in the car or class or exhasuted. i love it. keeping myself busy does wonders for my intake.
im trying to decide if i should go the gym in the mornings or evenings. my afternoons and evenings are so busy. monday thru thursday i dont get out of class until 645 then i rush to the gym. but thats not going to work because GOSSIP GIRL is coming back on monday. and i dont want to miss a single second of it. my other choice is to go to the gym in the morning but id have to wake up around 9 or 10ish. which isnt that bad. but its my first semester in a long time where all my classes start at 12 or 1. so i finally get to sleep in. and i dont wanna have to wake up. this ladies, is what you call a rock and a hard place lol.
i have some newfound motivation. my bestfriend is coming to visit in early march. shes much thinner than i am. but she isnt ecxactly skinny. my ultimate goal is to be way thinner than her. shes not my competition or anything. i just dont want it to be sunny and she wants to go the beach in a bathing suit. and i have to wear jeans and a sweater. plus, she never thinks i can lose weight or stick to a diet. and she'll "innocently" poke fun at my weight. its just annoying. so i have exactly 40 days to lose as much weight as humanly possible. wish me luck.
rememeber, self control is the only thing standing in the way ofwho you are and who you deserve to be. you can do it!
okayyyy!!! now i can go back to me normal self.....hello, everyone, i hope your day is going splendid. since mine is destroyed. i hope you guys are thin and using control.
ive been doing good this week as far as my intake. but i have not been to the gym once this entire week, PATHETIC! im going to go tomorrow morning if i can drag my fat ass out of bed. ive been trying to ease back into eating. because ive been having horrible abdominal pains. i think the layers of my stomach are rubbing against each other..well thats my theory. anyway, to help with the eating process im doing what i like to call intake bootcamp. im basically training my stomach to want less food and liquid. they say all it takes is 3 days to make or break a habit. which i believe because when i first started cheering i really wanted to do the splits. and i practice for 2 days, hardcore. and i got it. i was so thrilled. so i plan on applying that technique here. ive been eat around 200-300 cals a day. but last night i was congratulating myself on my will power and pumping my head up. so i decided that i deserved a treat. i got a footlong sub. and ate the ENTIRE thing. at first i only ate half, and i was waiting for the full feeling to kick in. it usually does when im doing "intake bootcamp". because i barely eat anything so when i finally eat a normal serving of food i feel beyond stuffed. but this time that didnt happen. weird. so i ate the other half. and i felt like death. my stomach was rejecting it. i was in pain for about 20 minutes. then i had to run to the bathroom. it was like i took a handful of laxatives. idk what happened. but my body did not want that delicious sandwich in me. which is fine by me.
so today im not eating anything. its 4pm nnow and im just now starting to get hungry. but i stare at thinspo for a few minutes and im ok. its so easy to not eat when i have class everyday. last semester i only had class 2 days a week. so the other 5 days i just layed in bed consuming as much food as i could. now im always in the car or class or exhasuted. i love it. keeping myself busy does wonders for my intake.
im trying to decide if i should go the gym in the mornings or evenings. my afternoons and evenings are so busy. monday thru thursday i dont get out of class until 645 then i rush to the gym. but thats not going to work because GOSSIP GIRL is coming back on monday. and i dont want to miss a single second of it. my other choice is to go to the gym in the morning but id have to wake up around 9 or 10ish. which isnt that bad. but its my first semester in a long time where all my classes start at 12 or 1. so i finally get to sleep in. and i dont wanna have to wake up. this ladies, is what you call a rock and a hard place lol.
i have some newfound motivation. my bestfriend is coming to visit in early march. shes much thinner than i am. but she isnt ecxactly skinny. my ultimate goal is to be way thinner than her. shes not my competition or anything. i just dont want it to be sunny and she wants to go the beach in a bathing suit. and i have to wear jeans and a sweater. plus, she never thinks i can lose weight or stick to a diet. and she'll "innocently" poke fun at my weight. its just annoying. so i have exactly 40 days to lose as much weight as humanly possible. wish me luck.
rememeber, self control is the only thing standing in the way of
Monday, January 17, 2011
Im Hungry.
my stomach is growling, i want something sweet and fattening, and i want a burrito. maybe ill go pick up something from subway after i finish during my hair. i havent eaten anything today. ive been doing really good this past week and i lost 4 lbs. im thrilled, its nice to know that my hours upon hours at the gym are finally paying off.
school is going well, its only the third week, but still. i love all my professors and classes. i can already tell Chemistry and stats are going to be the most difficult, obviously.
im watching knocked up. still as funny as the first time i saw it. its a freaking classic.
i want to lose 5 more pounds by the 22. wish me luck ladies :)
im sending positive vibes to all 53 of you!!
school is going well, its only the third week, but still. i love all my professors and classes. i can already tell Chemistry and stats are going to be the most difficult, obviously.
im watching knocked up. still as funny as the first time i saw it. its a freaking classic.
i want to lose 5 more pounds by the 22. wish me luck ladies :)
im sending positive vibes to all 53 of you!!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
thanks are in order..once again :)
Me and the bf are back on good terms, or atleast getting there.
you guys are phenomenal!!1 like, seriously! idk what i would do without you. all of you that commented are sooo sweet. But i should know by now that you girls are amazinggg :)
For all of you who havent seen Black Swan, you have to go. & i think im going to start fasting today.
my email is : marsh.sara@rocketmail.com
I just attempted the salt water flush. it was horrid. i drank half a cup and about 10 minutes later i was vomiting all over the place. i have a really sensitive stomach, but i thought i could take it. apparently. i was wrong. maybe ill try a laxative tea? or just a laxative? any suggestions?
yesterday&today. ive had a snow day. all schools and businesses have been closed. its soooo much fun. me and the bf have been cuddling and watching movies and discovered a new tv show. prison break. looove it. and the fact that the lead actor is beyondddddd gorgeous doesnt hurt either. the only downside about this mini vaca is that i havent gone to the gym in 3 days in a row. i dont go on sundays. but i wasnt expecting to skip these last two days. its throwing my routine out of wack.
i just wanted to make a quick post to say thank you, your kind words made me smile. lately, i need every smile i can get :)
you guys are phenomenal!!1 like, seriously! idk what i would do without you. all of you that commented are sooo sweet. But i should know by now that you girls are amazinggg :)
For all of you who havent seen Black Swan, you have to go. & i think im going to start fasting today.
my email is : marsh.sara@rocketmail.com
I just attempted the salt water flush. it was horrid. i drank half a cup and about 10 minutes later i was vomiting all over the place. i have a really sensitive stomach, but i thought i could take it. apparently. i was wrong. maybe ill try a laxative tea? or just a laxative? any suggestions?
yesterday&today. ive had a snow day. all schools and businesses have been closed. its soooo much fun. me and the bf have been cuddling and watching movies and discovered a new tv show. prison break. looove it. and the fact that the lead actor is beyondddddd gorgeous doesnt hurt either. the only downside about this mini vaca is that i havent gone to the gym in 3 days in a row. i dont go on sundays. but i wasnt expecting to skip these last two days. its throwing my routine out of wack.
i just wanted to make a quick post to say thank you, your kind words made me smile. lately, i need every smile i can get :)
Saturday, January 8, 2011
fights&food.
And not necessarily in that order.
i feeel sick. both emotionally and physically. me and the bf are fighting horrribly. i made myself a drink and got pretty tipsy. then i got a pizza and ate almost the whole thing. after i had such a awonderful day at the gym this morning. ughhhhh!!!! im sabotaging myself. why????? i must not really want to be skinny. maybe i think i cant handle it. for the first time in a while i didnt cut because of my emotions. but i ate and drank.and ate some more. i had 2 bowls of cereal and half a pizza today. that pizza fucked up my intake for the day.
but on the bright side im doing the salt water flush in the morning and goin to try a 7 day fast. its been a while since ive done one. and im scared i wont be able to stick to it. finger crossed.
i really want to purge. im a binger. but have never purged in my life. i hate this fat in my stomach. i dont want to be full of pepperonis and cheese. i want to be light and feathery. and i think im lactose intolerant. i never was before but i get such an upset stomach when i eat dairy.
Oh, i saw Black Swan yesterday. one word. unforgettable. i could totally relate to nina. but it is a complete mind fuck. youll leave the theatre confused, scared, and happy. all at the same time. i loved it and definetly want to see it again. im sure there were 100 things that went over my head.
i am watching Everybody loves Raymond. and i can not stop laughing. he is so hilarious. ive loved this show since it first premiered. anywho, i hope you ladies have a great day, and even greater nights!
ilove all 51 of you!
i feeel sick. both emotionally and physically. me and the bf are fighting horrribly. i made myself a drink and got pretty tipsy. then i got a pizza and ate almost the whole thing. after i had such a awonderful day at the gym this morning. ughhhhh!!!! im sabotaging myself. why????? i must not really want to be skinny. maybe i think i cant handle it. for the first time in a while i didnt cut because of my emotions. but i ate and drank.and ate some more. i had 2 bowls of cereal and half a pizza today. that pizza fucked up my intake for the day.
but on the bright side im doing the salt water flush in the morning and goin to try a 7 day fast. its been a while since ive done one. and im scared i wont be able to stick to it. finger crossed.
i really want to purge. im a binger. but have never purged in my life. i hate this fat in my stomach. i dont want to be full of pepperonis and cheese. i want to be light and feathery. and i think im lactose intolerant. i never was before but i get such an upset stomach when i eat dairy.
Oh, i saw Black Swan yesterday. one word. unforgettable. i could totally relate to nina. but it is a complete mind fuck. youll leave the theatre confused, scared, and happy. all at the same time. i loved it and definetly want to see it again. im sure there were 100 things that went over my head.
i am watching Everybody loves Raymond. and i can not stop laughing. he is so hilarious. ive loved this show since it first premiered. anywho, i hope you ladies have a great day, and even greater nights!
ilove all 51 of you!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Refreshed.
i hate that i have been absent for so long. but i really needed the time to recuperate. i honestly was driving myself crazy. and i didnt feel it was right to drag you guys down with depressing anecdotes. but now im back and ready to start again. the second semester of schhol starts on Wednesday. and im very nervous. theres so much i need to get done. i need to get straight A's. im going to need to focus and harness some control. i cant sleep and slack like i did last semester. i did horrible, to say the least. sooo inevitably in my depression, i drowned my self in high calorie foods and little exercise, if at all. but i was conscious of the impact of my decision the entire time. if that makes any sense... i knew id be mad at myself for gaining my weight back. but i did it anyway. im not sure why. a part of me likes to fail....it gives me this weird motivation. strange huh?
im going to speak with my academic advisor tomorrow morning. fix my schedule. then im going to type up and print out a very detailed schedule for the semester. every little detail will be in black and white. studying, sleeping, gym, my tv shows, everything. i work so much better when im on a tight schedule. i need to force myself to focus. i dont want to be in school for the rest of my life. i need to get this together. i have a younger sibling and cousins that i need to set a positive example for. i got caught up in being on my own and i seriously slacked. the biggest sacrifice ill have to make is time with the bf. were always at the movie, mall, dinner, basically antyhing but studying. were serious under achievers. well i guess him ore so than me. he was on honor roll all throughout high school. and maintained a 3.5 gpa the first two years of college. but we got comfortable and put studying on the back burner. that has to stop.
on a positive note. ill be starting the gym again on wednesday after a 10 days. im sure the cardio will be the toughest. but im looking forward to it. i need to lose this weight. i still havent done my salt water flush. i want to do it tomorrow but i have to go talk to my counselor. maybe ill wake up extra early and do it. but i dont want to be in her office and then have to go to the bathroom. that would be awful. i wake up at 5 am and do it. that should give me plenty of time, hopefully.
i hope all of you guys are doing wonderfully, you all deserve it. :)
im going to speak with my academic advisor tomorrow morning. fix my schedule. then im going to type up and print out a very detailed schedule for the semester. every little detail will be in black and white. studying, sleeping, gym, my tv shows, everything. i work so much better when im on a tight schedule. i need to force myself to focus. i dont want to be in school for the rest of my life. i need to get this together. i have a younger sibling and cousins that i need to set a positive example for. i got caught up in being on my own and i seriously slacked. the biggest sacrifice ill have to make is time with the bf. were always at the movie, mall, dinner, basically antyhing but studying. were serious under achievers. well i guess him ore so than me. he was on honor roll all throughout high school. and maintained a 3.5 gpa the first two years of college. but we got comfortable and put studying on the back burner. that has to stop.
on a positive note. ill be starting the gym again on wednesday after a 10 days. im sure the cardio will be the toughest. but im looking forward to it. i need to lose this weight. i still havent done my salt water flush. i want to do it tomorrow but i have to go talk to my counselor. maybe ill wake up extra early and do it. but i dont want to be in her office and then have to go to the bathroom. that would be awful. i wake up at 5 am and do it. that should give me plenty of time, hopefully.
i hope all of you guys are doing wonderfully, you all deserve it. :)
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