major fuck up

dammit! i have no will power. i caved. my friend was eating something delicious and i caved. i decided to make a little snack and i ate a whole can of tuna, 1 1/2 packs of Ritz, and a can of peaches. What is wrong with me! im sooo pissed. i feel fat and disgusting im trying to keep myself busy. but its been a zillion years since ive fasted and i suck! i really thought i could do it. i need to restart but its gunna be hard cuz once my bf gets back hes gunna wannna eat and stuff. its hard for me to not eat when i have to cook him dinner.
My evil scale went up 4 pounds, that is impossible, i could not have gained that much. (Lord i hope not!)  its always fluctuating but its sooooo unreliable. i need to get a new one asap.


i haaate foood, im never gunna be skinny. i hate it! i hate this disgusting blubber hanging all over the place. i haaaate this. i feel fat in my legs, arms, neck, face, hands. my body is 99% fat! i want fucking visible collar bones and hip bones, is that too much to ask for? ahhhhhhhhh!!!!! foood  is the enemy! i hate that it haves all this control over me, why cant i stand up to it. its been manipulating me for 20 yrs. btw, my birthday is in 16 minutes and im sooo not feelin it, ill be 20 yrs old....and fat!!! i haate this. im a slave to food. why cant i escape it its harassing me. i want to press charges.
morbidly depressed.night guys.

MUSiC & little tidbits ♥

I forgot to mention one of the huuuuge loves of my life! music, of course!
i loove music everything about it: how it sounds, how it feels, how it tastes (yes, i have tasted music before #dontjudgeme lol). It sends electricity through my veins, granted i normally wouldn't appreciate that, but this is the only exception. Speaking of exceptions, i looooove Paramore, Hayley is one kick as red head! Oh and another tid bit about me. i want to be a red head so bad, but unless i want to look like lil kim (who btw i loove her music, mostly the 90's and early 2k stuuf) i better stick with black. i have been known to tamper with blondes, blues, greens, purples, and burgundy's.

A few of my ALL TIME favorite artist who i literally cant get enough of:

Paramore..duh!
Bob Marley...kick ass'
The doors..jim morrison's voice makes my heart smile
The police
tupac
lady gaga  (im borderline fan/borderline annoyed)
katy perry..her music is soo lightt and carefree, but u can still get something from it..know what i mean?
Madonna..duh
Rollingstones...
Beatles...this list would be an epic fail without them
beach boys..they induce this beachy, sleepy, nostalgic feeling. love it
John Lennon ...Imagine blew my mind, still does.
Hall & Oates...id sooooo go to this concert if id been born in the 70's
The pretenders
erykah badu ....shes soooo...unexplanainable & great at the same time'
Lauryn hill... if you havent heard her youre crazy
fugees
The saturdays..idk how i even heard of them but theyre cool
The veronicas
Journey
Green day..im either sad (the good kind) or rebellious after listening to them lol
Earth, Wind, & Fire...ammazinggg
the cure
Sly & the family stone
Aaliyah
Alicia Keys
Afroman
 Jayz
Amy Winehouse
Anthony Hamilton
Avril
J. cole
Lupe
dixie chicks
Dr. dre
eminenm
dj quik
suga free
dwele
a fine frenzy
gabriella climi
gin wigmore
heather headley
janelle monae
john mayer
leona lewis
marsha ambrosius
marvin gaye
maxwell
al green
Me'shel Ndegeocello
miguel
miley/hannah
cheetah girls
mozella
panic at the disco
relient k
sam sparro-back&gold. inredible
She & him
TAYLOR SWIFT!!! cant wait til oct. 25th :)
tracy chapman. liusten to fast car, you wont regret it :)
sade
ATCQ
Van Hunt
Willow smith...yes, as a matter of fact, i do whip my hair :)
yellow card
jeezy
3 doors down



....ok so, i know i said a few, but i started looking thru my iphone and i lost track of tme..but when it comes to music, you cant blame me for getting carried away...can you? I looove discovering new artist. I loooove mostly all genres of music. off the top of my head a few i cant get into are: metallica, classical, and jazz (which i hate to say because my dad is a huuuuuge jazz fan)

If you guys ever wanna share music that you think ill be into, websites for undergound stuff, or anything relating to music..PLEASE FEEL FREE!!

Oh, i also looove hippies and everything about them, that era, everythhinnggg! im sort of a fanatic (although i do have my violent outbursts lol) i loove the 70s, 80s, and 90s. thats where all the good shit went down. i loove movies about that time period. school daze, woodstock, etc.

Peace, Music, & Love ladies. :)

Random

Just a word of advice, 99.9% of the time my blog titles have little if any relativity to the blog itself.
What can i say, i like to keep it funky :)

Bittersweet .

Here I am in my room asking my self the age old question. Should i do laundry or not? ehhhh, I'm really not in the mood to be stared at by people i do not know in my apartment's wash room. On the other hand, i do have five fingers. so really when you think about it anything's possible :)

But on to other serious issues, I went running today again and it went rather well. Seeing as I despise running I'm proud i made it out for a second time. But I did not go to the gym today  (bummer). my bf wanted to get on the road home so i skipped out. and ill admit that at the time i was a little happy to skip, but now i realized im only hurting myself. BTW, my fast started today so Iv'e had 1 apple so far and its going on 3 p.m. I need to find something to distract me if I get hungry. I wish it was Sunday so desperate housewives could be on, ive been a slave to that show since season 1. But im also gunna catch up on some goosip gilrs (havent watched since season 1, i know im wayyyyyy behind lol), veronica mars, (i never found out how that ended), pretty little liars, and SLAT. I loove those shows. but when i sit down to wtch them i always think i wish i had some ______ (insert fattening food here). so, maybe ill bite the bullet and do laundry afterall.

Ive never really confirmed on whether i had a ED. id say yes and no. I dont want to admit it, denial is not just a river in egypt. i like to think that i control my ED not the other way around. Im sooo backwards when it come to food. like seriously we have a love/hate relationship. I hate what it does to my body. But being black i think i have a predisposition to being slightly more curvy than the average gal, i wish it would freakin go away. i want suttle curves. I wish I could post a picture so you could see what Im talking about but Im nowhere near ready for that yet. I mean Im not like super curvy but im not skinny either. its hard to explain, i give up.

I wish I had a friend to keep me motivated, but its not like I can walk around  with a sign that says "Need help with ED, any volunteers?", if only the world was that easy...omg i just had a huuuuge craving for french fries. You see this is what im talking about, I get crazy cravings like a pregnant person, which im def. not.

TGiF! preparing myself for a groovy ass night, let the music downloading & movie watching begin!

stay strong my pretties (AND i have another follower, who woulda thunk it? =D

I did it!

today is a good, wait scratch that, its an Amazing dayy! for 2 reasons. 1) I had a great workout and 2) I got my first follower! ok, i know its not a friday but in the words of ice cube "today was a good day" lol im wayy too corny.

My workout was orgasmic I ran at top speed for 20 min, jogged, then ran top speed for 30 min, then walked. Which is huge for me since I hateeee running, but i love the way it makes me feel. i know im completely backwards, but im ok with that. OH, and i even wore a 20 pound weight vest, picked it up from walmart last night. that thing is ridiculously heavy serioulsy i thought i was gunna die. Then I went straight to the gym, i did weights, treadmill, leg press, the elliptical, and 2 weird thigh machines that worked great! so i felt the burn today, and i lost 3 lbs, im thrilled. its not a lot but its less than yesterday, hopefully this starts a pattern. im soo excited i have to give a huuuuge thnks to my bf for goin with me and pushing me the whole way :)

On to other news, im thinking of joining the pre med club at my school, i just haaate going to meetings. but it will look great on grad school apps so im in there like swim wear. oh and the best news of all the cheer team is having tryouts on the 20th (which is like a sign from God because they had one in late august but i punked out) so i def wanna do this one. and its kinda perfect timing cuz it will give me the extra incentive to work my ass off and drop as much weight as i can in 14 days. I dont wanna be the fattest person on the team, and i know my thighs will look ginormous. i def wanna lose 20 pounds by Nov. 1st and 20 more by thanksgiving, since im going home with my bf, i wanna look my very best.

the only downside of trying out is, i have to go to everyyy game and once i get a job id have to schedule around them. ehhhhh, ill think it over.

i feel soooo great i think ill start my fast today and quit tuesday, well not a fast really ill just be eating raw baby carrots, celery, and drinking aqua. if i do that for 14 days, i should drop at least 10 pounds, hopefully more. and i wanna learn to flip, but i wont get ahead of my self lol. i mean i have experience in dance i did modern, ballet, and jazz for like 6 yrs till i broke my knee and everything got shot to hell. i havent done cheer exactly, more like step/drill team. im from la so our step team had a little less cheer and a lot more booty shakin and what not. i mean i can dance, but these girls can do a fucking full twisting lay out.

 ummm brb!

 im back, i took a little break to practice my toe touch which is sloppy as hell. ughhh lord give me strength.

wish me luck, follower (gosh, im way to happy to say that lol)
stay strong, and remember food is the ENEMY!

ohh, you're givin me a rush!

So, yesterday went pretty well last night my bf surprised me with a meal from wendys and was encouraging me to eat! He knows about my diet, to a certain extent. So, i ate just the sandwhich then i felt like shit afterwards even tho it was the only thing i ate all day :) . i kinda feel like shit now.today ive had 1 reeses cup, a bite of his cheeseburger, 2 sips of lemonade, and a kit kat. ughhh im pretty sure thats still like a zillion calories. I should do pretty great this weekend though, seeing as ill be alll alone, which is both good and bad.

Not eating gives me sucha rush, it makes me feel like i can do anything. i love that feeling, and instead of food i will crave that feeling.

My bf is going to his home town this weekend to visit some friends who are home from school. buuut my 20th birthday is on saturday, so ill be all alone :( and no hes not an asshole. i totally gave him permission i want him to go have fun for once since we only hang out with each other 99.9% of th time. i think hes leaving thursday night and returning sunday evening. im letting him use my car so that means no food runs for me even if im starving. im sooo thrilled about that because when im super weak in the middle of the night i get cravings for cereal, my favs are of course the most fattening, lucky charms and captain crunch.

i wish i had friends sometimes, but im sooo antisocial. this is my junior yr in school but im a transfer student currently so this is my first semester here. neither of us has really shined in the social department so far. all my friends are at my old school which isnt far at all but i probably wont be seeing them this weekend seeing as i wont have a car. another plus is ill get some much needed studying done, i have a huuuuuge midterm on friday. and i have to do extremely well, im talking 90 percentile people. because i just withdrew from my history course, i know im a failure in life. im really beatin my self up about it.

i guess i like feelin sad an/or angry at myself because it gives me the fuel i need to stay away from food. which is of course the enemy. everytime i get hungry i chant incessantly, "think skinny, think skinny" which surprisingly helps. i keep telling myself that hunger is a state of mind. i look at my thinspiration poster everyday, i even touch the pictures for a minute. i know, creeeeepppyyy  but it helps me to stay focused. my new goal weight is 120, i just wanna see if i can do it. at first it was 140, but this will give me 20 lbs. for "weight gain:" in case my bf notices anything. im sure he will and im not sure how ill explain to him how i lost weight so fast. i go to school really far from my parents so the only person i see everyday is him. hes usually with me at all meals, hopefully he wont notice if i dont eat :/ which might happen because i dont keep ANY food in the house. wait im lying, i have 2 boxes of mac n cheese, 2 boxes of rice, 2 cans of soup, and 4 cans of vegetables and LOTS of water. i never cook those things anyway because im too lazy.

I've decided to go on a 4 day fast. and drink only water, maybe tea if i make it to the store before he leaves. ill estart thursday and hopefully, not a morsel of food will past my lips until monday. i think my reward will be half a can of chicken soup. oh, and maybe ill stock up on gum. which im chewing now (orbit, the best!) it get rid of all hunger. im not sure of the calorie count but it cant be too high. \

wish me luck, ummmmm..non existent followers :)

Inspiration

I hope you guys, if anyones there lol, dont get spoiled by this 2 a day entry but i just am really pumped about this right now. Anywho ive just finished my inspiration board!!! yay im sooo excited. Maybe ill post a pic later, if i learn how . Anyway I have a section on my wall dedicated to my eating habits. i have lots of fun inspirational quotes, and of course THINSPIRATION! which include pics of ballerinas that i admire, swimsuit models whose body id KILL to have, other role models, and bikinis. This should be good for now but if anything inspires me ill be sure to tack it up there :) I have the biggest midterm (anatomy :/ ) of my life on friday and im here blogging lol its kind of addicitng i see why people do it now. i mean even if nobody reads this i feel encoiuraged just by putting my thoughst into the air..errr keyboard :) I wish all you pro-ana's luck and will power because i know ill need it. I ate scrambled eggs with sausage, eggs, and cheese this morning with a bottle of water. im sooo disgusted with myself, i feel heavy. but ive been good hungerwise up til now. im getting the urge to go on a rampage, i want food and its only 5 oclock (east coast time) idk how ill restrain myself til tomorrrow. I have the worst eating habits on the weekends. i generally have classes back to back on weekdays (both early morning and evening) so im too busy to even think about food or stop to consider eating some.to  its actually kinda funny because i absolutely hate food. i hate how its prepared, i question the cleanliness, im scared of improper cleaning. actually thats kinda makin my hunger pains go away. remember, hunger pains are fat leaving the body. well not literally, but soon enough it will. i know you guys may be thinking that because im a biology major i should know better or atleast be hyper aware of the harmful health risks. to answer truthfully i am i think more so than others but i cant help how i think outside of the classroom. i repulse myself. spring break is coming up soon (mid april to be exact) and i wanna surprise my bf by wearing a sexy black 2 piece. I KNOW i can do it , just gotta stay focused! ive been takin all sorts of supplement and other pills. not anything for weight loss or fat bruning. because i honestly dont belive in those. they just convince people that they can lose 30 pounds by just sitting on their ass. FACT: the only way to lose weight is to monitor your intake, regular AND consistent exercise, and burn more calories than you consume. although i know all this it still doesnt make it any easier to drag my fat ass out of bed and go for a run. anyway, i digress, the supplements and other pills i take are to help balance my immune and hormonal systems and eliminate some of the side effects of not eating. I take pills and use oils and drink lots of water to keep my skin stay supple because lack of food and the nutrients it provides can leave your skin dry and cause breakouts. I also take pills to keep my hair thick, and growing, and prevent breakage or other damage such as thinning. because not eating can definetly make your hair thinner and more prone to breakage, trust me i know from experience. i take calcium to keep my bones and nails strong (lol i sound like a nutrionist) . as u can see i take quite alot of things, but i am by no means consistent, i might take it twice a day for a week and then forget for a month.  but i just made a promise to myself, everytime i get hungry im going to blog. its already working.

good luck ladies, stay strong! :)