slipping through my fingers

i typed this whole post about how im so sad about gaining weight. but why waste your time with convuluted explanations for my never ending failures.
ill just stick to the main points. tonight i stood in the mirror and cried. i seriously hate the way i look and every day it kills me a little more because i have to act all confident and silly. my bf knows but he doesnt know how horrible i feel.

ana is calling me back to her. and im scared to go. i worked so hard to be healthy and go to the gym and it came back so fast. 3 days of stupid eating after weeks of hard work. and it ruined everything. im scared right now. because im hungry. because i like it. because ana is coming back. i can feel her. i just want it to stop. i liked being in control of what i ate, how lonbg i worked out, my emotions. with her. there is no control. im her little bitch. i starve myself until im sore. passing out in the shower. nauseous at the gym. cant focus in class. im scared to go back to all of it. but i might not have a choice. i refuse to get back to where i was.

keep dreaming skinny dreams my lovelies.

spending money & losing weight.

im definetly not at my dream size but im proud of what ive accomplished sofar. and seriously, all of you guys are sooo sweet and sincere. i realllly appreciate it. ive been eating right 95% of the time. and working out every single day, burning between 600-966 cals a day. its hardwork and i hate waking up early and going to the gym but its totally worth it to see positive results.

in other news ive just spent sooo much money on vitamins, hair, and facial products. i think im completely addicted. i watched the documentary Food Matters and it was sooo freakin good. it gives you a good prespective on how to go about taking care of our bodies and living a healthy abundant life. so a few weeks ago i got so involved with being completely natural. its been going good with using natural hair products and ive almost completely transitioned from eating processed foods. but i had a mini binge on cereal after all my hard work this weekend.

i hope you lovelies are doing well, im off to catch up on your blogs.

busy days & long nights.

ive been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. which makes me stress which makes me want to binge. but im doing good so far. im really trying to train myself to resist temptation and not use food as a reward or a problem solver. which is so ironic because food is the root of all my problems (yes, i am being melodramatic. no, i dont care.) eating a cookie or cupcake will not make me happy it will make my thighs spread.

i went down like 4 more pounds but today i me and the bf celebrated Valentines day ..sort of. we're really not big on holidays other than xmas and thanksgiving. so of course we went to an all you can eat buffet. as usual i got full after 5 bites, but i kept eating. i knew i was destroying all the hard work id put in this morning at the gym. but i am not discouraged or even angry. disappointed maybe but thats it. ive decided not to beat myself up because i know when it comes to my bf ill toss the diet and try to just have a normal date. but im usually so obsessed about calories, carbs, sodium, etc that my bf is like are you going to eat that? and i just said fuck it. we hardly go out to eat anymore so i know itll be the last time until spring break. which is like a month away.

the last week ive been half zombie because i wake up at 9 for the gym and then i have class all day then im up til 3 or 4. its crazy how ive managed to not implode. im sooo exhausted but i feel like theres so much to do or learn. im constantly researching recipes, workouts, kitchen appliances, hairstyles, nutrition facts..and the list goes on. i just love the internet, the world is literally at my fingertips.

anyway, i hope you ladies have been doing awesome. im off to catch up on your blogs. And even if i have to staple my eyelids together, i WILL be sleep before 3...fingers crossed.

be safe, strong, and beautiful :)

my new diet.

im constantly changing my diet annd exercise routine. idk why. i get bored very easily.

i ordered an organic hemp protein shake. low cal. i was sooo excited. i know eating protein right after my morning workouts will help me gain muscle. so today i mix a shake with the powder, almond milk, a banana, and rasberries. lets just say it was less than pleasant. i know its good for me and what not. its just an acquired taste. it really isnt nasty. but im not a banana fan and i hate the seeds that the rasberries leave. so im sure that contributed.
 went grocery shopping yesterday:
lettuce head
cherry tomatoes
rasberries
bananas
bluberries
water
grapes
flat bread
brown rice
kidney beans
bell peppers
avocados
skinless/boneless chicken breast

yumm! ive constucted a healthy eating plan with my nutrionist.
and im going to the gym 6 days a week. and doing 2-4 miles per day. along with resistance training. and core strengthening. im realllly trying to get healthy. i hope this workds. if not, i just wasted a shit load of money.
oh, speaking of money. i filed my taxes with H&R. all my fellow college students if your parents dont claim you, you can file your own taxes. and if you have a student loan of $4000 or more you can receive $1,000 back. its freakin awesome. but it costs $140 upfront. not too bad, especially for what you're getting back.

me and the bf are fighting again. hes really annoying me. and as much as i love him. i really do. i know i can be cold at times, and its easy for me to cut people out of my life. so if he doesnt get it together like..now. idk what will happen. im also mad that were fighting right before my parents have agreed to pay for both of our plane tickets home so my family can meet him. they're quite expensive. and i dont want them to waste their money on him if hes going to be an asshole right now. i know hell act right when were there, but still. ughh!

any way i have class in 33 minutes. so let me shower. try to force feed myself a few more ounces of this shake. and throw a semi-decent outfit together.

have a great day ladies and gents!! :)

taxes!

are a mother loving bitch!

i need a kind gentle soul to teach me how. im heading over to H&R block in an hour.
hopefully they dont try to scam me.
idk why im nervous.
but seing as im a poor college student. emphasis on poor.
i could really use all the extra change i can get my hands on.
i guess i have a give a little to get a little.

ahhhhhhhhhh, wish me luck.

rainy days

make me want to stay in with natalie portamn/julia roberts movies and binge. and im about to have a reallly unhealthy before school snack. probably because i didnt get to the gym this morning but im going right after class. i find that when i dont go in the morning i kinda slack for the rest of the day. my hair is awful today and i have no idea what to wear. but i must get up and face chemistry.

i need a freakin job, too. like im pretty broke right now. hopefully my parents feel like being generous.

i hope you guys are being thin and beautiful. cuz right now, im realllly not feeling it.

motivation

watching lifetime. oh, how addicting. i should be studying or doing laundry. instead im sitting on my brand new pink carpet (i looove it) and im stretching. im trying to gain my flexibility back. as long as ive been dancing, ive never been able to do the center splits.

today is the super bowl. so im making beef nachos for the bf. luckily im not a beef fan so i wont be tempted. but i might indulge on some chocolate chip cookies. i know im a bad girl. i promise ill do my best to refreain. im so close to my goal i can feel it . just a little longer and a little more strength.

a tid bit of thinspo to keep me focused :

God i wish i was her..sarah jessica/carrie bradshaw. fucking loooove her/them!

i wish i knew how to tag people, but i got the MK&A pictures from a fellow blogger.

my wonderul friday night

i spent the majority of it sleeping. And since ive been a complete lard ass alllll week. my bf hauled my ass into the gymdespite the tsunami outside. i really love him. he really kicked my ass into gear tonight. iwas like babe i dont feel like going to the gym tonight my weight is fine and ive had zero cals today. and he was like fine you dont deserve to lose weight. you'll never meet your go if you stay in bed being a bum. so this is how ended up out of bed.

weight: 172.0

ive basically been maintaining. but i need to really start going at it. especially since ive shitted away week 1 of my "hardcore" six week program. ugh.

Imperfection at it's best

I wish my boyfriend thought i was perfect. who doesn't, right? it's just really sad that he doesn't. i think im pretty good at making him happy and being supportive and all that good stuff. but mostly i just want him to think my body is perfect. i know he genuinely loves me and he constantly tells me im beautiful and sexy but i wish i was his ideal of perfection. we just rated each others body parts. he rated certain body parts lower than i expected him too. but of course i took it all in stride and acted really nonchalant about it. i just want him to be pdroud of my body. he likes to show me off to his friend cuz he thinks im pretty but thats not enough. i just really want to be skinny so bad. im doing good on my fast. im craving pepperoni pizza with stuffed crust and chocolate chip cookies (my ultimate weakness) but everytime i think about caving in i think about my bf and how badly i wantt o be perfect for him. its such a slow process though. i spend so much timetalking abput how thin i want to be and how fat i feel. i know hes fed up with it. he just says if you want it so bad stop talking about it nd do it. so thats what im going to do. im not going to eat And then feel the entire weekend being depressed. im going to starve until all the intertube around my stomachand thighs are gone. i want to look fragile and delicate. i want to stroll along the beach in a bikini and for him to be able to lift me with ease.

ill get there. i promise.

Going strong..kinda

well im still doing well i would lose one pound and the next hour it would be back hanging happily on my hips. ahhhh well. im still basking in the glory of everything that im not too upset about it. my fast isnt over until the 5 th but im thinking about extending it til the 7th or 8th. we shall see if i can muster up the will power.

im currently sitting at the salon waiting toget my hairdone as per usual. im actually kind of pissed. i chose this hair salon because they did sucha good job with my roomies hair that i decided to foronce give myself a week off and let somebodyelse deal with it. they're website said no waiting....and im fucking waiting. ithoroughly explained to the receptionist that i had to be out by 12:30 because i have 1 p.m. class. but shes such a sweetie that i cant bear to get an attitude with her.

ok so once again ive slacked in the gym department. i know ima failure. but i had a chem and history test this week so in the mornings i had a quick cram session. butt im going tomorrow and saturday. hopefully

great day...not so good night

well that statistics test i was so worried about last week was returned today....i gotta A!!!! and i got my first chem lab paper back and i got a A!! take that academic probation.

so all in all today was pretty damn fantastic i chatted with my buddy Eager Enid, i know its the first day. but shes so supportive and a sweet girl. i love her already, we have sooo much in common. its really great.

i also had some chiken lettuce wraps, they were sooo delicious and under 500 cals i called in to pf changs and picked it up. i cant wait to start making them on my own. ive already got a few simple recipes planned to get me started. of course the inevitable happened. i had a small gain because of the food. but im confident it will be off by morning. its only 1.6 pounds. yesterday i had a midday gain and it was gone by the next morning.

the bf and i are fighting....i think. hes acting all moody and silent and weird. but he wont leave hes in my room studying. if i were mad at someone id want to not be around them. but hes ass backwards. hell just stay here studying at my desk all night making me feel awkward. i swear to god i love him. but hes weird and annoying sometimes. wait, i just found out hes mad that i accepted a friend request from my ex bf from 2007 and hes upset. im just gunna deactivate my accnt. stupid boy.

February Goals !

I went to the gym this morning and had a terrfic workout!!! ive never had more energy in my life! i dont even need my B12 vitamins this morning. I've decided since im doing so well right now i really want to prolong this feeling so im gunna make goals for this month both for weight and school, here it goes:

stick to mini fast until feb. 5th
TRY to weigh in only once a week (saturday)
Gym every morning 6 days a week
stick with air alert
have a protein shake daily
have a lettuce wrap for once (starting feb. 6th)
study for each class atleast 1 hr a day

thats pretty much it, if i add anything ill update it in a new post :)
Oh, and i have two buddies M. and Eager Enid. im wayy to excited right now!

a few tips:

when youre fasting remember you're losing mostly water weight and stay away from salt. itll make you gain it back super quickly.
working out in the morning is better than the night because while youre sleeping your body in using your food from that day to get energy. and once you wake up those carbs are pretty much gone, so when you work out in the morning (before eating) you'll burn mostly fat!
try to have more protein during the day. particularly after working out. i ordered mine from Vitacost.com (only $16 with tax/shipping included). It's chocloate flavored, organic hemp protein shakes, from Nutiva.
If any of you watch the kandeejohnsonshow on youtube she recommends them as well.

stay positive ladies, success is just around the corner :)
sending all 56 of you the best karma in the world!

ok, just a itsy bitsy tiny post, promise.

weight: 172 lbs

i lost 2 pounds in 1 day.

fuckkkk yesssssss!!!! :)

buddy search and good news :)

hi beautiful ladies and gents.

yesterday was soooo good and today is even better.
yesterday's intake: two low fat strawberry yogurts =340 cals.
buuuut  i didnt go to the gym. so technically i wont lose a significant amount. ill just maintain.

today's intake: ZERO ! and its 4:30 p.m.

once again i didnt go to the gym this morning seeing as i was up till 4:30 cutting my roommates hair, doing my hair, and then we chatted for like 2 hrs. i love her shes seriously th best. and shes soooo thin. shes only 5'1 and 90 lbs. so shes so petite and fragile. id kill to have her waist and thigh gap. but that is a discussion for another time. im going to go to the gym after gossip girl goes off and burn at least 1,000 cals.

my current weight: 174.4. (fully clothed)
thats a 5.5 lb weight lost in 4 days!!!

 seeing as its Day 4 of my super low cal diet. and Day 1 of my intense six week program. im really  excited to be seeing results so soon. for the next six days i will continue the low cal diet. staying under 500. and from then on out ill start my high protein diet.
a few of the things im picking up are:
blueberries
hummus ( i hope its good )
bagles
lots and lots of eggs
possibly a protein mix
cherry tomatoes
lettuce
skinless chicken breast
and another lean meat

im going to eat lettuce wraps and spinach salads. and snack on fruits and veggies in between. im also thinking about having a protein shake once a day. im really trying to tone and build muscle and have well defined abs.
since my stomach is so flabby, im going to concentrate on cardio before i start toning my abs, but ill continue toning my arms. im really starting to see some results there. i can wait to have then strong arms.

my workout consists of:
squats
push ups
planks
this super strenuous ab work out
air alert III (mostly for male basketball players to help them get a higher vertical leap, but i want to increase my jumps for cheer so im going to give it a try. my bf has done it in high school and hes doing it now. he thinks im soo weird for wanting to do it lol)

but on to the reason i was posting in the first place. id love to have a few buddies. just some encouraging words and a non judgemental person to talk to when you're feelin weak. we can keep each other motivated and focused. hopefully itll be harder to quit when you know you have someone depending on you. we can either text or email. whichever you're more comfortable with. ive had one buddy in the past, an old friend from high school. we would text each other through the day. wed send each other thinspo or things that were trying to achieve. like, "remember, only __ calories today so you can get that thigh gap." you get the idea. anyway, i think it'd be neat. let me know if you're interested.

im sooo motivated guys. im going to succeed. besides, whats Six weeks of a little hard work for a lifetime of skinny :)

new day, new beginnings.

& another shot at success.

 these last few pounds that i regained are slowly but surely shedding off. of course, they're taking their sweet ass time. but atleast they'll be gone soon. i still have not done my chem hw and im blogging once again. i think im turning into a blogaholic. and these posts have all been rubbish. im just rambling about nothingness. I have 40 days left before my friend comes to visit. i havent set a goal weight because im scared that i wont make it. but ive decided to take the risk. maybe seeing it here will be shame enough to actually accomplish something for once. seeing that i have 40 days. if i work out 6 days a week from 60-90 minutes.burning a minimum of 500 cals. stay under 500 cals per day. and throw in a 10 day fast along the way. i think 160 is reasonable. thats 17 pounds. i think i can do it. omg getting to 160 would be amazing. its so pathetic id never thought id weigh this much. but anyway no time for complaining.

you lovely angels stay strong. your kind words keep me going in my darkest hours.

stir crazy.

i think i did well today. although i ate skimpy meals and snacks im sure my calories are through the roof.

Breakfast:
yogurt (170 cals)
boiled egg (80 cals)
half apple (50 cals)

300 cals total.

Dinner:
peaches (300 cals)
noodles (150?)
yogurt (170)

620 cals total.

ive consumed 920 cals. and i barely ate anything. ive lost 2 pounds today. which still sucks. because i had a 3 pound gain yesterday! im soooo frustrated. its almost sunday so hopefully i wont have anymore cravings. i officially have NO more food in my house. well nothing binge worthy. i have some canned peaches and yogurt. which are soo unhealthy. i need fresh fruit.

im really discouraged right now. i need to pull myself up by my boot straps and get to work. i have been horrible this week. NO gym time. but low cals. and no lost other than today. i have soo much homework and studying to do. but all i can do is count calories and think of ways to lose weight faster. im being so unproductive right now. my online chem hw is due tomorrow and im blogging. wtf is wrong with this picture?!

i start my 6 week program on monday. im going to really work at it and give my all and by March 13th im praying that i see some kick ass results. wish me luck ladies.

Quick post.

Just a few words.

my weight has been so weird this past week. i was progressively losing for a while and then all of a sudden it just stopped. my bf told me its because im gaining muscle which is heavier than fat. if that's the case, im thoroughly pissed. he says i should be happy. since my arms are much more defined than they used to be. but gaining weight is the exact opposite of what im trying to do. im going to start a six week program hopefully ill see some results. mostly abs, cardio, and core strengthening. i really want to be skinny. but i also want to be healthy and strong. i want to be beautiful. lol im such a cliche.

hope this is as inspirational to you as it is to me.

"We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons." - Jim Rohn

stay skinny & always positive :)

life didnt deal us a bad hand.

im guilty of this thought process. and im sure a lot of you are too. but it isnt true. life didnt decide to fuck with us and destroy our self esteems. we did that or we gave the power to someone else. its the nature of people to see things as right or wrong. black or right. victim and culprit. but, unfortunately. we are the culrpit in this scenario. we have raped our self image and destroyed any possibly of repairing it in the immediate future.  but we CAN repair it. it'll just take a little work and a lot of love...for ourselves. sound insane right?

i constantly berate my self for eating. for doing something that we need to do to SURVIVE. what made me this way. im trying to think back to the day when i first became aware of my many flaws and im drawing a blank. i  dont think it happened over night. i think there was always a little voice inside that told me i wasnt good enough. pretty enough. smart enough. thin enough. i started this journey of self destruction a long time ago. i made myself feel better about the cutting. starving. extreme exercise. everything. by telling myself i needed to do it to be comfortable. because i was scared of what people thought about me. scared that they hated me. in all reality i was scared of myself. i hated myself. i was my own victim. there's like a separate entity within me. ironic, right? how can i be so scared of myself. i mean come on now. i know i have a flare for the dramatics. but its true. my biggest fear is myself. im scared to let myself down. to accept failure. to ever give myself a break. im constantly under attack. i hardly ever give myself a pat on the back for the little things.

i dont know where the sudden enlightenment came from. maybe its exhaustion. im tired of the inadequacy. shame. disgust. i shouldnt feel this way towards myself. i mean, im going to be stuck with me for the next 70 or so years...hopefully. i might as well try to make this an enjoyable time.

i want to be healthy. i want to one day be able to not disect every calories in every morsel i think about putting into my mouth. i dont want to cry everytime i look at myself naked. i want to be confident and sexy. i want to be able to make eye contact with my bf when he tells me im beautiful. i want to believe him. desperately. i just want to be happy. i spend so much of my time thinking about other people. helping other people. but i never help myself. im going to do my best from this day forward to say atleast one positive thing about myself. im going to work harder than ever. in school. in every aspect of my life. im tired of being an under achiever. i always hear how i have soooo much potential. well its time to cash that baby in. no more excuses. no more denial. i will make my life better.

im going to continue to go to the gym 6 days a week. regardless of how groggy i feel at 9 am.  im going to cut meat out of 90 % of my diet. im going to eat healthier. and eat for sustenance not for calories. im going to stay below 1000. that may not be uber healthy. but thats good for me. because despite my weight i dont have a large appetite. i just have a sometimes uncontrollable need to binge. its quite ridiculous.

i hate to be a hypocrite. to post this self inspiring memo. then completely ignore it tomorrow. im honestly going to pray that that wont happen. im going to encourage myself to be my very best. i know i sound like a commercial. but its whats best for me. this cycle of down 2lbs up 5 has to END!! i dont have the mental strength to do this forever. i need a light at the end of the tunnel. and i think this is it.

now i am off to take my statistics test. im down right scared. but ive truly been working hard, studying, and turning in all my assignments. despite my ADD ive been paying attention in class also. i will speak positivity into existence. i will ACE this final. fingers crossed.

i hope you girls have a magnificent day. i certainly will try.
Stay Strong & Positive.
Im sending so many good thoughts and wishes to you all :)

Taco Bell

so my bf is told me that Taco bell is getting sued because they advertise that they use 100% beef when in actuality their packages say 35% beef and  the rest is "meat filler". that is disgusting. but thee worst part is after hearing that i ate taco bell. two hard tacos. they were soo good. and it probably took 2 years off my life expectancy.

my bf got me the cutest engagement ring!!! im sooo excited! its absolutely beautiful.he couldnt wait til V day so he gave it to me now. typical. hes so impatient lol. ive been staring at it all day.

i didnt go to the gym this morning. i know im such a cunt. and i wont go tomorrow because i have sooo much studying to do for my big stats test manana. and i've gained weight. those damn tacos.  but other than that i havent had any meals in 3 days. ive only had green tea and snacks. what the fuck is wrong with my body. maybe its gone into starvation mode. ughhh!!!!!!!! im soooo frustrated. im trying really hard here. why wont my body cooperate. i need to look amazing by the time my friend gets here. i feel like crying. all this studying makes me nervous and anxious. whichmakes me want to snack. i cant win for losing. its not enough that im starving myself. but im starving AND gaining weight. FML

id also like to thank the lovely ladies that commented on my last post. im going to try to pick up some of the things you guys suggested. thanks :)

green tea.

today i was doing good. i woke up at 10 and went to the gym then was in class from 1-7. i love tuesdays. they're my busiest so that means....no time for food!!! until i get home :(.

i had a roll of ritz crackers and like 20 or 30 cheez-its. im sure thats like 300 cals...at least. i suuuckkkkk.
now im about to drink some green tea with honey while i study for my stats test on thursday. hopefully its sits well with my tummy. the last time i drank it i was vomitting. but i know its good for skin and metabolism. im going to try to gulp it down.

there was a lot of good things about today:
GREAT hair day
nice outfit
i applied for a job in the student center at my school
and my room is nice and tidy :)

i have a question, how do you guys like your tea and what are your favorite low cal snacks??

i hope you guys have a lovely day.