so my bf is told me that Taco bell is getting sued because they advertise that they use 100% beef when in actuality their packages say 35% beef and the rest is "meat filler". that is disgusting. but thee worst part is after hearing that i ate taco bell. two hard tacos. they were soo good. and it probably took 2 years off my life expectancy.
my bf got me the cutest engagement ring!!! im sooo excited! its absolutely beautiful.he couldnt wait til V day so he gave it to me now. typical. hes so impatient lol. ive been staring at it all day.
i didnt go to the gym this morning. i know im such a cunt. and i wont go tomorrow because i have sooo much studying to do for my big stats test manana. and i've gained weight. those damn tacos. but other than that i havent had any meals in 3 days. ive only had green tea and snacks. what the fuck is wrong with my body. maybe its gone into starvation mode. ughhh!!!!!!!! im soooo frustrated. im trying really hard here. why wont my body cooperate. i need to look amazing by the time my friend gets here. i feel like crying. all this studying makes me nervous and anxious. whichmakes me want to snack. i cant win for losing. its not enough that im starving myself. but im starving AND gaining weight. FML
id also like to thank the lovely ladies that commented on my last post. im going to try to pick up some of the things you guys suggested. thanks :)
Self Control is the only thing standing in the way of who you are and who you deserve to be.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
green tea.
today i was doing good. i woke up at 10 and went to the gym then was in class from 1-7. i love tuesdays. they're my busiest so that means....no time for food!!! until i get home :(.
i had a roll of ritz crackers and like 20 or 30 cheez-its. im sure thats like 300 cals...at least. i suuuckkkkk.
now im about to drink some green tea with honey while i study for my stats test on thursday. hopefully its sits well with my tummy. the last time i drank it i was vomitting. but i know its good for skin and metabolism. im going to try to gulp it down.
there was a lot of good things about today:
GREAT hair day
nice outfit
i applied for a job in the student center at my school
and my room is nice and tidy :)
i have a question, how do you guys like your tea and what are your favorite low cal snacks??
i hope you guys have a lovely day.
i had a roll of ritz crackers and like 20 or 30 cheez-its. im sure thats like 300 cals...at least. i suuuckkkkk.
now im about to drink some green tea with honey while i study for my stats test on thursday. hopefully its sits well with my tummy. the last time i drank it i was vomitting. but i know its good for skin and metabolism. im going to try to gulp it down.
there was a lot of good things about today:
GREAT hair day
nice outfit
i applied for a job in the student center at my school
and my room is nice and tidy :)
i have a question, how do you guys like your tea and what are your favorite low cal snacks??
i hope you guys have a lovely day.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
food is thy enemy.
time: 4:34 p.m.
intake-Zero calories!! not a single morsel has passed these lips. and im not even hungry.strange. but ill take it.
ok, heres an instant replay of my day.
woke up at about 11. went to the gym with my roomie. then came back and crashed on my floor for like 2 hrs. i was freezing so i woke up and took a 30 minute steaming shower. it felt sooooo good. now im typing this. after, im going to study then watch the episode of Desperate Housewives that i missed last week.
im not exactly fasting, i dont know what im doing. but i have 51 days to look absolutely awesome before my friend comes to visit. that should be plenty of time. i dont have an exact plan. i know my diet will consist of tuna & crackers, carrots, water, and green tea. thats it. i have enough to lst me for a good bit.
my roommates have been cooking for the past few hrs and everything smells so good. but ive been breathing out my mouth so that the aroma doesnt make me hungry. im so weird lol. the gym was soo good today. i felt the burn. no gym tomorrow. that day is dedicated to cleaning and doing my hair and nails. but im back at it bright&early monday morning.
have a fantastic saturday night ladies :)
intake-Zero calories!! not a single morsel has passed these lips. and im not even hungry.strange. but ill take it.
ok, heres an instant replay of my day.
woke up at about 11. went to the gym with my roomie. then came back and crashed on my floor for like 2 hrs. i was freezing so i woke up and took a 30 minute steaming shower. it felt sooooo good. now im typing this. after, im going to study then watch the episode of Desperate Housewives that i missed last week.
im not exactly fasting, i dont know what im doing. but i have 51 days to look absolutely awesome before my friend comes to visit. that should be plenty of time. i dont have an exact plan. i know my diet will consist of tuna & crackers, carrots, water, and green tea. thats it. i have enough to lst me for a good bit.
my roommates have been cooking for the past few hrs and everything smells so good. but ive been breathing out my mouth so that the aroma doesnt make me hungry. im so weird lol. the gym was soo good today. i felt the burn. no gym tomorrow. that day is dedicated to cleaning and doing my hair and nails. but im back at it bright&early monday morning.
have a fantastic saturday night ladies :)
Friday, January 21, 2011
financial aid.
i did bad today. im upset. i had an entire box of cheez-its. in two sittings! what the fuck is my problem? while i was eating them i kept telling myself to stop. clearly it didnt work. idk why i do this. is it just us, or does everyone have this bizarre relationship with food? like, im sick of being controlled by calories. why cant i simply say no. the thought of food will haunt me until ive consumed as much of it as i can physically stand. i just want to be thin. why wasnt i born thin. why did i have to be fat and bloated and jiggly and disgusting. i want to be beautiful. i want others to approve of me. everyone is always telling kids that other peoples opinion doesnt matter. bullshittttt. it matters to me. i dont want people to look at me like im some whale. i want to be thin. nobody sees how much i suffer. how much i hate myself. i want to hurt myself about 90% of the time. ive toyed with the thought of suicide a few times. but im too much of a punk. sadly, i only wanted to do it to see if anyone would care. i quickly decided not to do it because i couldnt possibly see their reactions if i was dead. duh.
anyway, i need more financial aid. it pays my tuition. but i need more money. ill be 21 soon. i need to start saving for my future. i cant spend the rest of my life depending on my parents. they are retired and living on a fixed income and paying their own expenses and my younger sisters tuition. luckily mine is covered. but still, i need spending money and eventuallly ill need a house and a new car. i cant run back to them everytime something goes wrong. i need to assert my independence. im so used to working, making my own money, and depending on no one. i feel like a huge burden when i have to ask my mom to transfer me money.she cant give me much. and i feel so horrible for asking. i stay in campus apartments . i have 3 roommates and their all in there mid/ late 20's. one of them is 27 and she has thousands in the bank. shes so good at saving money. and she works right now. i need to get another job. im just so sick of customer service. but im going to apply for the manager position of the student center at my school. hopefully, that goes well.
i want to be financially independent and start saving up for my future. ive always had expensive taste and a shopping addiction. 2 very bad things when you have NO money and BILLS. i have to credit card. one of them is maxed out and i really need to pay it since i got my refund today. but if i do that ill be broke again. this whole "life of a college student" is really starting to get played out. im stressed. im going to the gym in the morning and burning off these calories and negative energy. then me and my roommate are going to the library for about 5 hrs. were pretty much going to move in and not leave til weve memorized our books. chemistry requires so much time and energy. that i dont have. correction. dont want to give. but i need to suck it up and stop whining. im academic probation. which means i cant get below a C in any of my classes or i wont be able to register next semester. and if i cant register, i cant stay in student housing. and since im from out of state, id have to go back home. my parents will be beyond disappointed. i dont want to do that to my mom. shes so proud of me. id hate to sabotage her perfect image of me.
i need perfection. not just in my body. but in every aspect of my life. i want to be flawless. i want control. i want consistency. i want happiness. i just want things to go my way! i know i sound like a brat. but i dont care. this about wraps up my ramble. im going to fall into a nocturnal coma or what you normal people like to call sleep. goodnight. stay strong ladies.
anyway, i need more financial aid. it pays my tuition. but i need more money. ill be 21 soon. i need to start saving for my future. i cant spend the rest of my life depending on my parents. they are retired and living on a fixed income and paying their own expenses and my younger sisters tuition. luckily mine is covered. but still, i need spending money and eventuallly ill need a house and a new car. i cant run back to them everytime something goes wrong. i need to assert my independence. im so used to working, making my own money, and depending on no one. i feel like a huge burden when i have to ask my mom to transfer me money.she cant give me much. and i feel so horrible for asking. i stay in campus apartments . i have 3 roommates and their all in there mid/ late 20's. one of them is 27 and she has thousands in the bank. shes so good at saving money. and she works right now. i need to get another job. im just so sick of customer service. but im going to apply for the manager position of the student center at my school. hopefully, that goes well.
i want to be financially independent and start saving up for my future. ive always had expensive taste and a shopping addiction. 2 very bad things when you have NO money and BILLS. i have to credit card. one of them is maxed out and i really need to pay it since i got my refund today. but if i do that ill be broke again. this whole "life of a college student" is really starting to get played out. im stressed. im going to the gym in the morning and burning off these calories and negative energy. then me and my roommate are going to the library for about 5 hrs. were pretty much going to move in and not leave til weve memorized our books. chemistry requires so much time and energy. that i dont have. correction. dont want to give. but i need to suck it up and stop whining. im academic probation. which means i cant get below a C in any of my classes or i wont be able to register next semester. and if i cant register, i cant stay in student housing. and since im from out of state, id have to go back home. my parents will be beyond disappointed. i dont want to do that to my mom. shes so proud of me. id hate to sabotage her perfect image of me.
i need perfection. not just in my body. but in every aspect of my life. i want to be flawless. i want control. i want consistency. i want happiness. i just want things to go my way! i know i sound like a brat. but i dont care. this about wraps up my ramble. im going to fall into a nocturnal coma or what you normal people like to call sleep. goodnight. stay strong ladies.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
venting!
ughh! im so fucking agitated right now. and i realllly need to take it out on someone. it'll most likely be my bf. mean, right? he just irks me so much sometimes. actually, to be honest, its not even him. i just get so pissed at my self that i have to find someone to blame it on before i implode. this fucking statistics class is stupid. the fact that i ran over my iphone is really fucking stupid. and the fact that my tutor for math is never there is outrageuosly reallllyyyy fuckinggg stupidd!!!! ugh. i wanna blow this bitch up.
okayyyy!!! now i can go back to me normal self.....hello, everyone, i hope your day is going splendid. since mine is destroyed. i hope you guys are thin and using control.
ive been doing good this week as far as my intake. but i have not been to the gym once this entire week, PATHETIC! im going to go tomorrow morning if i can drag my fat ass out of bed. ive been trying to ease back into eating. because ive been having horrible abdominal pains. i think the layers of my stomach are rubbing against each other..well thats my theory. anyway, to help with the eating process im doing what i like to call intake bootcamp. im basically training my stomach to want less food and liquid. they say all it takes is 3 days to make or break a habit. which i believe because when i first started cheering i really wanted to do the splits. and i practice for 2 days, hardcore. and i got it. i was so thrilled. so i plan on applying that technique here. ive been eat around 200-300 cals a day. but last night i was congratulating myself on my will power and pumping my head up. so i decided that i deserved a treat. i got a footlong sub. and ate the ENTIRE thing. at first i only ate half, and i was waiting for the full feeling to kick in. it usually does when im doing "intake bootcamp". because i barely eat anything so when i finally eat a normal serving of food i feel beyond stuffed. but this time that didnt happen. weird. so i ate the other half. and i felt like death. my stomach was rejecting it. i was in pain for about 20 minutes. then i had to run to the bathroom. it was like i took a handful of laxatives. idk what happened. but my body did not want that delicious sandwich in me. which is fine by me.
so today im not eating anything. its 4pm nnow and im just now starting to get hungry. but i stare at thinspo for a few minutes and im ok. its so easy to not eat when i have class everyday. last semester i only had class 2 days a week. so the other 5 days i just layed in bed consuming as much food as i could. now im always in the car or class or exhasuted. i love it. keeping myself busy does wonders for my intake.
im trying to decide if i should go the gym in the mornings or evenings. my afternoons and evenings are so busy. monday thru thursday i dont get out of class until 645 then i rush to the gym. but thats not going to work because GOSSIP GIRL is coming back on monday. and i dont want to miss a single second of it. my other choice is to go to the gym in the morning but id have to wake up around 9 or 10ish. which isnt that bad. but its my first semester in a long time where all my classes start at 12 or 1. so i finally get to sleep in. and i dont wanna have to wake up. this ladies, is what you call a rock and a hard place lol.
i have some newfound motivation. my bestfriend is coming to visit in early march. shes much thinner than i am. but she isnt ecxactly skinny. my ultimate goal is to be way thinner than her. shes not my competition or anything. i just dont want it to be sunny and she wants to go the beach in a bathing suit. and i have to wear jeans and a sweater. plus, she never thinks i can lose weight or stick to a diet. and she'll "innocently" poke fun at my weight. its just annoying. so i have exactly 40 days to lose as much weight as humanly possible. wish me luck.
rememeber, self control is the only thing standing in the way ofwho you are and who you deserve to be. you can do it!
okayyyy!!! now i can go back to me normal self.....hello, everyone, i hope your day is going splendid. since mine is destroyed. i hope you guys are thin and using control.
ive been doing good this week as far as my intake. but i have not been to the gym once this entire week, PATHETIC! im going to go tomorrow morning if i can drag my fat ass out of bed. ive been trying to ease back into eating. because ive been having horrible abdominal pains. i think the layers of my stomach are rubbing against each other..well thats my theory. anyway, to help with the eating process im doing what i like to call intake bootcamp. im basically training my stomach to want less food and liquid. they say all it takes is 3 days to make or break a habit. which i believe because when i first started cheering i really wanted to do the splits. and i practice for 2 days, hardcore. and i got it. i was so thrilled. so i plan on applying that technique here. ive been eat around 200-300 cals a day. but last night i was congratulating myself on my will power and pumping my head up. so i decided that i deserved a treat. i got a footlong sub. and ate the ENTIRE thing. at first i only ate half, and i was waiting for the full feeling to kick in. it usually does when im doing "intake bootcamp". because i barely eat anything so when i finally eat a normal serving of food i feel beyond stuffed. but this time that didnt happen. weird. so i ate the other half. and i felt like death. my stomach was rejecting it. i was in pain for about 20 minutes. then i had to run to the bathroom. it was like i took a handful of laxatives. idk what happened. but my body did not want that delicious sandwich in me. which is fine by me.
so today im not eating anything. its 4pm nnow and im just now starting to get hungry. but i stare at thinspo for a few minutes and im ok. its so easy to not eat when i have class everyday. last semester i only had class 2 days a week. so the other 5 days i just layed in bed consuming as much food as i could. now im always in the car or class or exhasuted. i love it. keeping myself busy does wonders for my intake.
im trying to decide if i should go the gym in the mornings or evenings. my afternoons and evenings are so busy. monday thru thursday i dont get out of class until 645 then i rush to the gym. but thats not going to work because GOSSIP GIRL is coming back on monday. and i dont want to miss a single second of it. my other choice is to go to the gym in the morning but id have to wake up around 9 or 10ish. which isnt that bad. but its my first semester in a long time where all my classes start at 12 or 1. so i finally get to sleep in. and i dont wanna have to wake up. this ladies, is what you call a rock and a hard place lol.
i have some newfound motivation. my bestfriend is coming to visit in early march. shes much thinner than i am. but she isnt ecxactly skinny. my ultimate goal is to be way thinner than her. shes not my competition or anything. i just dont want it to be sunny and she wants to go the beach in a bathing suit. and i have to wear jeans and a sweater. plus, she never thinks i can lose weight or stick to a diet. and she'll "innocently" poke fun at my weight. its just annoying. so i have exactly 40 days to lose as much weight as humanly possible. wish me luck.
rememeber, self control is the only thing standing in the way of
Monday, January 17, 2011
Im Hungry.
my stomach is growling, i want something sweet and fattening, and i want a burrito. maybe ill go pick up something from subway after i finish during my hair. i havent eaten anything today. ive been doing really good this past week and i lost 4 lbs. im thrilled, its nice to know that my hours upon hours at the gym are finally paying off.
school is going well, its only the third week, but still. i love all my professors and classes. i can already tell Chemistry and stats are going to be the most difficult, obviously.
im watching knocked up. still as funny as the first time i saw it. its a freaking classic.
i want to lose 5 more pounds by the 22. wish me luck ladies :)
im sending positive vibes to all 53 of you!!
school is going well, its only the third week, but still. i love all my professors and classes. i can already tell Chemistry and stats are going to be the most difficult, obviously.
im watching knocked up. still as funny as the first time i saw it. its a freaking classic.
i want to lose 5 more pounds by the 22. wish me luck ladies :)
im sending positive vibes to all 53 of you!!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
thanks are in order..once again :)
Me and the bf are back on good terms, or atleast getting there.
you guys are phenomenal!!1 like, seriously! idk what i would do without you. all of you that commented are sooo sweet. But i should know by now that you girls are amazinggg :)
For all of you who havent seen Black Swan, you have to go. & i think im going to start fasting today.
my email is : marsh.sara@rocketmail.com
I just attempted the salt water flush. it was horrid. i drank half a cup and about 10 minutes later i was vomiting all over the place. i have a really sensitive stomach, but i thought i could take it. apparently. i was wrong. maybe ill try a laxative tea? or just a laxative? any suggestions?
yesterday&today. ive had a snow day. all schools and businesses have been closed. its soooo much fun. me and the bf have been cuddling and watching movies and discovered a new tv show. prison break. looove it. and the fact that the lead actor is beyondddddd gorgeous doesnt hurt either. the only downside about this mini vaca is that i havent gone to the gym in 3 days in a row. i dont go on sundays. but i wasnt expecting to skip these last two days. its throwing my routine out of wack.
i just wanted to make a quick post to say thank you, your kind words made me smile. lately, i need every smile i can get :)
you guys are phenomenal!!1 like, seriously! idk what i would do without you. all of you that commented are sooo sweet. But i should know by now that you girls are amazinggg :)
For all of you who havent seen Black Swan, you have to go. & i think im going to start fasting today.
my email is : marsh.sara@rocketmail.com
I just attempted the salt water flush. it was horrid. i drank half a cup and about 10 minutes later i was vomiting all over the place. i have a really sensitive stomach, but i thought i could take it. apparently. i was wrong. maybe ill try a laxative tea? or just a laxative? any suggestions?
yesterday&today. ive had a snow day. all schools and businesses have been closed. its soooo much fun. me and the bf have been cuddling and watching movies and discovered a new tv show. prison break. looove it. and the fact that the lead actor is beyondddddd gorgeous doesnt hurt either. the only downside about this mini vaca is that i havent gone to the gym in 3 days in a row. i dont go on sundays. but i wasnt expecting to skip these last two days. its throwing my routine out of wack.
i just wanted to make a quick post to say thank you, your kind words made me smile. lately, i need every smile i can get :)
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