slipping through my fingers

i typed this whole post about how im so sad about gaining weight. but why waste your time with convuluted explanations for my never ending failures.
ill just stick to the main points. tonight i stood in the mirror and cried. i seriously hate the way i look and every day it kills me a little more because i have to act all confident and silly. my bf knows but he doesnt know how horrible i feel.

ana is calling me back to her. and im scared to go. i worked so hard to be healthy and go to the gym and it came back so fast. 3 days of stupid eating after weeks of hard work. and it ruined everything. im scared right now. because im hungry. because i like it. because ana is coming back. i can feel her. i just want it to stop. i liked being in control of what i ate, how lonbg i worked out, my emotions. with her. there is no control. im her little bitch. i starve myself until im sore. passing out in the shower. nauseous at the gym. cant focus in class. im scared to go back to all of it. but i might not have a choice. i refuse to get back to where i was.

keep dreaming skinny dreams my lovelies.