busy days & long nights.

ive been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. which makes me stress which makes me want to binge. but im doing good so far. im really trying to train myself to resist temptation and not use food as a reward or a problem solver. which is so ironic because food is the root of all my problems (yes, i am being melodramatic. no, i dont care.) eating a cookie or cupcake will not make me happy it will make my thighs spread.

i went down like 4 more pounds but today i me and the bf celebrated Valentines day ..sort of. we're really not big on holidays other than xmas and thanksgiving. so of course we went to an all you can eat buffet. as usual i got full after 5 bites, but i kept eating. i knew i was destroying all the hard work id put in this morning at the gym. but i am not discouraged or even angry. disappointed maybe but thats it. ive decided not to beat myself up because i know when it comes to my bf ill toss the diet and try to just have a normal date. but im usually so obsessed about calories, carbs, sodium, etc that my bf is like are you going to eat that? and i just said fuck it. we hardly go out to eat anymore so i know itll be the last time until spring break. which is like a month away.

the last week ive been half zombie because i wake up at 9 for the gym and then i have class all day then im up til 3 or 4. its crazy how ive managed to not implode. im sooo exhausted but i feel like theres so much to do or learn. im constantly researching recipes, workouts, kitchen appliances, hairstyles, nutrition facts..and the list goes on. i just love the internet, the world is literally at my fingertips.

anyway, i hope you ladies have been doing awesome. im off to catch up on your blogs. And even if i have to staple my eyelids together, i WILL be sleep before 3...fingers crossed.

be safe, strong, and beautiful :)

my new diet.

im constantly changing my diet annd exercise routine. idk why. i get bored very easily.

i ordered an organic hemp protein shake. low cal. i was sooo excited. i know eating protein right after my morning workouts will help me gain muscle. so today i mix a shake with the powder, almond milk, a banana, and rasberries. lets just say it was less than pleasant. i know its good for me and what not. its just an acquired taste. it really isnt nasty. but im not a banana fan and i hate the seeds that the rasberries leave. so im sure that contributed.
 went grocery shopping yesterday:
lettuce head
cherry tomatoes
rasberries
bananas
bluberries
water
grapes
flat bread
brown rice
kidney beans
bell peppers
avocados
skinless/boneless chicken breast

yumm! ive constucted a healthy eating plan with my nutrionist.
and im going to the gym 6 days a week. and doing 2-4 miles per day. along with resistance training. and core strengthening. im realllly trying to get healthy. i hope this workds. if not, i just wasted a shit load of money.
oh, speaking of money. i filed my taxes with H&R. all my fellow college students if your parents dont claim you, you can file your own taxes. and if you have a student loan of $4000 or more you can receive $1,000 back. its freakin awesome. but it costs $140 upfront. not too bad, especially for what you're getting back.

me and the bf are fighting again. hes really annoying me. and as much as i love him. i really do. i know i can be cold at times, and its easy for me to cut people out of my life. so if he doesnt get it together like..now. idk what will happen. im also mad that were fighting right before my parents have agreed to pay for both of our plane tickets home so my family can meet him. they're quite expensive. and i dont want them to waste their money on him if hes going to be an asshole right now. i know hell act right when were there, but still. ughh!

any way i have class in 33 minutes. so let me shower. try to force feed myself a few more ounces of this shake. and throw a semi-decent outfit together.

have a great day ladies and gents!! :)

taxes!

are a mother loving bitch!

i need a kind gentle soul to teach me how. im heading over to H&R block in an hour.
hopefully they dont try to scam me.
idk why im nervous.
but seing as im a poor college student. emphasis on poor.
i could really use all the extra change i can get my hands on.
i guess i have a give a little to get a little.

ahhhhhhhhhh, wish me luck.

rainy days

make me want to stay in with natalie portamn/julia roberts movies and binge. and im about to have a reallly unhealthy before school snack. probably because i didnt get to the gym this morning but im going right after class. i find that when i dont go in the morning i kinda slack for the rest of the day. my hair is awful today and i have no idea what to wear. but i must get up and face chemistry.

i need a freakin job, too. like im pretty broke right now. hopefully my parents feel like being generous.

i hope you guys are being thin and beautiful. cuz right now, im realllly not feeling it.

motivation

watching lifetime. oh, how addicting. i should be studying or doing laundry. instead im sitting on my brand new pink carpet (i looove it) and im stretching. im trying to gain my flexibility back. as long as ive been dancing, ive never been able to do the center splits.

today is the super bowl. so im making beef nachos for the bf. luckily im not a beef fan so i wont be tempted. but i might indulge on some chocolate chip cookies. i know im a bad girl. i promise ill do my best to refreain. im so close to my goal i can feel it . just a little longer and a little more strength.

a tid bit of thinspo to keep me focused :

God i wish i was her..sarah jessica/carrie bradshaw. fucking loooove her/them!

i wish i knew how to tag people, but i got the MK&A pictures from a fellow blogger.

my wonderul friday night

i spent the majority of it sleeping. And since ive been a complete lard ass alllll week. my bf hauled my ass into the gymdespite the tsunami outside. i really love him. he really kicked my ass into gear tonight. iwas like babe i dont feel like going to the gym tonight my weight is fine and ive had zero cals today. and he was like fine you dont deserve to lose weight. you'll never meet your go if you stay in bed being a bum. so this is how ended up out of bed.

weight: 172.0

ive basically been maintaining. but i need to really start going at it. especially since ive shitted away week 1 of my "hardcore" six week program. ugh.

Imperfection at it's best

I wish my boyfriend thought i was perfect. who doesn't, right? it's just really sad that he doesn't. i think im pretty good at making him happy and being supportive and all that good stuff. but mostly i just want him to think my body is perfect. i know he genuinely loves me and he constantly tells me im beautiful and sexy but i wish i was his ideal of perfection. we just rated each others body parts. he rated certain body parts lower than i expected him too. but of course i took it all in stride and acted really nonchalant about it. i just want him to be pdroud of my body. he likes to show me off to his friend cuz he thinks im pretty but thats not enough. i just really want to be skinny so bad. im doing good on my fast. im craving pepperoni pizza with stuffed crust and chocolate chip cookies (my ultimate weakness) but everytime i think about caving in i think about my bf and how badly i wantt o be perfect for him. its such a slow process though. i spend so much timetalking abput how thin i want to be and how fat i feel. i know hes fed up with it. he just says if you want it so bad stop talking about it nd do it. so thats what im going to do. im not going to eat And then feel the entire weekend being depressed. im going to starve until all the intertube around my stomachand thighs are gone. i want to look fragile and delicate. i want to stroll along the beach in a bikini and for him to be able to lift me with ease.

ill get there. i promise.